August 31, 2003
I do not want to go, the trip seems arduous. And I would need to make it without Julia, for she does not camp well. Also, late October in the southeastern high mountains of Arizona is a wee bit COLDER than in our low elevation abode. The nights will be more than chilly, and I would need my warm cuddle partner. More than likely, I'd be packing it in to look for a motel room!
But I remember when Laura and I visited there many years ago. She was younger then, and we crawled over huge rocks. She helped me get out of a rock ring that was higher than a person. The green trees reached tall in those mountains, and easily the Indians could have hid in that rocky sanctuary that was Cochise's Stronghold.
Our friends wisely noticed that maybe it was too soon after Laura's death to go there. More than a year has gone by, I thought the worst of the tears had passed. I sniffled up yesterday morning, and later in the afternoon, I had a good long sob.
After the gathering with friends, we went to the local pagan shop, as I felt drawn there. I found the snake pendant 'Charlie' had been wanting me to get. 'He' feels aligned with the snake, and later to confirm this, I have learned his 'Father', Set, is also associated with snakes. It is a beautiful and powerful necklace, I will photograph it soon.
My scarab pendant arrived too. I had to pick it up from Fed Ex. Yes, it came all the way from Egypt, but, my, it is huge. It's nearly 2 inches long. I should have sent for one half that large, though it is designed to be lightweight. I will still wear it when moved. I am better off to SEE and feel the pendant to know it is the right one.
Nearly as big as my index finger!
A time of change of endless nightBut here is the chorus that really makes me cry:
The sea grows dark, swallowing the light
I walk alone, high above the shore
I count the days till you sail home once more.A time of prayer no matter where you are
You'll find my love will guide you like the stars
I'll be with you to keep you from the cold
No greater love could watch over your soul.
And I long for, how I long forThe sweetest memories of Laura came to me, when she was young and our love was young, and each experience so fresh to my very sheltered soul.
The sweetness we have known
And I long for, how I long for
The wind that brings you home.
The crescent moon lays still against the skyI sobbed, remembering her kisses, and the all encompassing way she'd look into my eyes. I know the only place for her 'ship' is the safe harbor of my heart, where she does not die, but lives.
A veil of mist plays tricks upon my eyes
Your ship appears like whispers in the wind
My heart awaits the passing of Samhain.
I scribbled quickly these words as they came to me, affirming that she is in my heart. Then I played Samhain Madrigal three times, standing as the singer, singing along with the singer, before a shore in my mind, moving my arms in a circle drawing Laura's spirit into my heart. I know the WIND that brings her home is my LOVE for her, and my WILL to draw her near. My heart felt very full yesterday afternoon.
The following poem has no great merit poetically as a poem, but it is a affirmation of what I know Laura would tell me about my present spiritual journey.
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Oh how in hurt and woe my heart goes, tears fall, dropping readily. Oh how in hurt and woe! Laura, you left your love behind, I know, I feel it all around me. I know your love is in my heart. And I know how you bid me see my bright, shining face. But you are not here now. and I miss your arms so. I miss your lips, your kiss so pulling me in, drawing me in. I cry, how in hurt and woe, but you are not here now. I know how you used to bid me see my bright, shining face. So I take the mirror, and I am not afraid to look. I will carry on your work in ways you could not then imagine - to the fine evolution of souls - heart and mind in unison, to the fine uniqueness of each human, each living thing. I know you would your efforts be continued, if you could continue. so I do it for you.
I carry the torch high,
passions quite hid but through his arms the power streaks, electricity to engage the circuits Illuminaria has ordered. Laura, you would look on all this and smile, you'd tip your leathered hat and wink. How I know you would, to the power and glory of the individual, for it is only in being ourselves we reveal the great pattern. See Diversity's many colors, the pattern ever changing, ever evolving, it is the pulse of life. Laura, I can see your empowered smile You'd say ''well done!'' I can hear you, I can see you, I can feel your embrace in my heart, your young vision of me coming true. It will be born anew daily. I will strengthen myself, I will strengthen us all - Each one's voice rising unique in a powerful harmony. I carry you in my heart, Laura and you will not die as long as I have breath. I embrace You, I embrace Me, I will sing our song. So I will it, and thus it is.
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The lines 'powerful harmony' and 'great pattern' do not mean the submergence of Self into the 'Whole', as in right hand path philosophy. One keeps their awareness of unique self, but is at the same time aware of one's relation to others. This makes an overall 'pattern', composed of each person's uniqueness. My perspective of this 'pattern' is unique to me, and thus it, too, retains its individuality. I am never submerged, I always hear how my voice harmonizes with the rest in this 'choir'.
While Laura insisted she was an atheist, or at least agnostic, this is because she did not want to be a subservient child dependent on big daddy and mommy Gods. The concept of one being Equal to the Gods, one's own SELF Divine, I think would resonate with her. She did allow for the 'Mystery' that she did not understand. The psychic drama of my two archetypes she would understand.
She would understand Charlie is a objective emanation of those masculine characteristics in myself she often recognized. She knew this is partly how I could understand and appreciate her own transsexuality, one much different than the 'traditional' transsexual model which involves only embracing the energies of one's adopted gender. Laura fully embraced the masculine within herself and saw it not dichotomy that the two should co-exist.
Okay, it becomes a 'dichotomy' of sorts to give the two elements two archtypes, but these, as related to psychology have a basis in the culture and psychology at large, as expressed by Jung and others. The child figure, Charlie, is my Heart, and Illuminaria, the parent figure, is my Mind, and in their union is the SOUL that makes me whole. Laura would find the imagery complex, but I don't think she'd poo poo it.
It's not so much that her approval means so much to me that I require it. I have been stubbornly going my own way for 30 years now, since I reached the age of reason, that path only gaining greater clarity each step along the way. It's just that I feel I'm carrying on Laura's great PASSION for life, and respect of the INDIVIDUAL. This characteristic, native to me, and present in Laura, was part of Laura's shining Divinity.
I do myself honor in this respect, and I do her honor, as well. I also give honor to all those who harken to humanity's potential and truly worship the consciousness we can possess and all our emanations of beauty evolving into new forms and presenting in familiar, reassuring forms as well.
Laura would like this. As she said herself:
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From The Book Of LAURA: ''If I had but one message to pass on from the accumulated wisdom of a lifetime, it is that life is short and at the end there is naught but oblivion. Live your life to the fullest, think your own thoughts, be your own person and if you must believe in something, believe in yourself and believe in those you love and who love you.''
LDL, 1939 - 2002
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That I will do, Laura, as long as I possess consciousness, so long as I live.
Onwards and upwards to the 'full life'!
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