I Must Answer My Own
May 26, 2004

Mellow piano music is playing. I am all of a faintly melancholy mood. It's just the slightest tinge of muted tone creeping into the clear, bright.

Mellow music is nice, and invites introspection, perhaps an opening of the door. There are things I want to know, yet don't want to know. How can I be so cowardly? Others wouldn't. To heck with what others would do. All this shite and am I going to get into 'the mood' for accessing deep self? There is something I want to do. But I find myself strangely flat for that project.

I wish I knew why. I'll try the switch....

quiet now, there is the turning of a key.
Notice now the quiet passage,
rise and swell with music.
You cannot impress others.
why do you hope to?

This is 'lost cause',
he who seeks it gets LOST.
I should seek to return to the center.
and what do I find there?

Odd collection of this and that,
I strip it all away,
every vain hope.
Return to center.
Sages long, long ago
have said that.
A new sage can hardly disagree!

Returning to self, getting off the bus, and taking one's luggage and sitting waiting for destination unknown. If I do not know I am good my own self, what can a thousand voices extolling me do? I would not believe them. Piles of 'prizes', just junk trinkets, if I do not know how good I am my Own Self.

No, that is not the way to receive such insight. The clear mirror is in my own hand. I like what I see. I do not ever do things 'on time'. I speak too soon, too late, or not at all. But I still embrace myself for what fleeting sight of brilliance I saw in that mirror.

I know it's not illusion. And so I sit on the bench, waiting for inspiration to take me. But that particular bus has its own schedule, and won't operate to please anyone else's schedule.

So I wait. Cross legged me looks in the mirror and likes what she sees. That will have to do. This 'movie of me' will play as it does. I embrace me. Every flaw, every virtue, every tear stained hope of 'immortality', this and that, I embrace it all.

Today I am not answering anyone else's questions. I must answer my own.

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