The Strength Comes To She Who Seeks Her Own
February 13, 2004

'Breath deep the gathering gloom,'
a song of pop says.
I want no 'gloom',

but I do want the room,
with or without the 'watchlights'.

If nonsense this,
then quit you this,
and step aside to scratch your head.

(I'll scratch my own head as well.)
Humble, that.
I, who seek the Pride, can know the
throw down hard of humble.
But it can be the throw down gentle
of the Mama Sekhmet teaching her cubs,
as well.

Either way,
sometimes we just need to learn.
I have been to the Wall.
I have learned my own strength.
Once again, lesson comes in the night.

~~~

My spouse Laura died July 31, 2002. Those of you who have not lost a spouse can only imagine what this feels like. Even though all along, I knew her health was fragile, and she did her best to prepare me, death is hard.

It separated me from the familiar comforts, the familiar connecting strands which were so embedded into me into so many ways. I still had the strands, but then there were nothing to which those strands could attach but memory. You cannot know. Until you know. I would wish you never Know. But sometimes, we do not choose. We of the path of Pride, we cannot always choose. Those who think otherwise soon get caught up and thrown down a hard one.

I will not be the one standing by and laughing when it happens. I come here to learn my own wisdom. Wisdom I seek. 'Philosophy' is said to be the LOVE OF WISDOM. What terrible distorted things are often done in its name! But I am not looking at those today.

I would seek a clearer path, all that brings to Nobility the tribe of Man. We can be thrown down low and come back stronger. It has been over two and a half years in learning this since my Laura died.

You cannot know, until you know. And when you know, you then know the anguishing agony of hungers that can never be fed in just the same way as with the skill of the departed One. But I have been lucky. I have known for fifteen years the love of One who was 'an elemental force leashed upon a tame and tawdry world'. Self described, she, that way, and was.

And so it is, in the darkness of night, I must come to know MY OWN 'elemental force', and Become That which I miss. Hard, the severing of unmet ties that were still floundering, still living strands hoping for new source. But I am a woman gone not mad. I am a woman learning My power. I am learning that the power comes to me.

And, so then, in the night, a possible Crone learned her own possible power. Not yet manifest, no, just a pointer of hope.

Mark it be, on that night, early of the hours which belong to February 12, 2004, Joan Lansberry declared her Own power, and earned the right to call herself of Set's own.

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