In the thought is the beginning. Let's see what we can find. My hitherto unseen quarters given air, do I shrink back, or come closer to look? What in me is born of fear? Why the instinct to run? 'Shy', the word is. Bunny Rabbit Scared is another. Why? Can this too, meet with Xeper and change? When I meet someone new, why do I feel so strange? No light of patter, no joke of joy, I am 'all business'. Estraño, to be sure. Humbly admitted, no pretense. But WHY? ********** Stop the fear midstream? Can I stop it before it begins lightning fast, between impulse and reaction? That's what I'd like to know What do I wish to communicate? Can knowledge of that come before the shy impulse? Look people in the eyes, and show that fear? Something needs to be changed. I don't want the darting fear, the darting eyes. But can it? Is it something I just have to live with? Can I think of something to communicate fast enough before the lightning fear? I have a slow mind. I need space and time to think. I don't see any way around this. Too many variables in the 'strange' situation. Can I just be this way? Is it easier to resign to shyness? After all, I've done it for forty five years. I am the thing devoid of skin, I shrink back into the quiet. "Are you trying to please others, or are you trying to please yourself?" I don't know. I didn't like the veil off the unconscious motive of raw shy fear. "What didn't you like about it?" I felt incapacited for the brief moment it struck me. I had to wait for it to pass, then my head clears only enough 'for business'. "Is it bad to wait?" No, it isn't 'bad', it's just that... I wish I could be like those of easy chatter? Those women never shut up! Do I? Not really. Most often I am content in my quiet. "So what's 'wrong'?" Certain parameters of operation that others have are unavailable to me. I feel 'retarded'. "Why is that 'bad'?" It means I operate on an entirely different wavelength. Am I human? (Ah, of course I'm human.) But am I a mutant? "And WHY is that 'bad'? So you have to think before you speak, so idle conversation comes not easy to you, just what more could you do with this that you don't do now? That is, of WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO?" I just want to make 'pretty' pictures and poems and share them with others, who receive them in the same solitude in which I created them. "If that's what you REALLY WANT TO DO, then why are you bothering with frustrations over shyness?" Because I thought I should be different, taste the world of politics and intrigue, know these subtle machinations, in which those princes reside. Why? Maybe I was just curious. "Is that all?" Maybe. Yes, that's not 'my drummer', is it? "No, it sure as hell isn't! You have so MANY talents, do you know how many people are envious of you? No, you don't. You waste your energy on trifles. Let THOSE princes rule in THEIR realms, You rule in yours. Paint your pretty pictures, poesy your flowered words, sing songs to Me, and whoever you wish. And don't forget to SING THEM TO YOURSELF. You WILL NOT be ALL others expect. Only a fool tries. There be many fools on certain well trod pitiful paths, leave to them the 'rightness' of their delusions. YOU know better." Yes, I do, Thank you for cleaning out the 'snakes of Illusion', once again! "No problem! Hah!"

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