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Department of Historical Review Current Assignment: Christian Progress
Ruler of Earth, Master of the Universe Heavenly Heights, Paradise Your Magnificent Majesty, King of Heaven, Master of the World, and Distinguished Lord of Unbelievable Greatness and Inconceivable Preeminence,
IN 1231 C.E Heresies, from the beginning, were a problem for your kids. Early on there were the Arians, Manicheans, and Montanists. Although the Montanists were dealt with relative ease. Montanism, by the sixth century has covered most of North Africa and a large portion of Europe. It was, in fact, becoming much too popular. Cooperating with the state, your kids, went forth and discovered these heretics in the tens of thousands. Wherever they were to be found, force was used to sequester them in their churches, which were then burnt to the ground. The screams, wailing, and gnashing of teeth would have warmed your heart for many of these atheists converted on the spot before succumbing. In the Middle Ages there were the Cathari and Waldenses, and in the Renaissance there were Hussites, Lutherans, and Calvinists, and Rosicrucians. So many heretics so few devices of blessed conversation. Church Councils and Church Fathers, throughout history, have wisely prompted secular rulers to prosecute heretics, disbelievers, and anyone who refuses to conform. But it was in 1231 that Pope Gregory IX decreed life imprisonment and salutary penance for anyone who confessed and repented, as well as death for those who didn't confess and repent. Pope Gregory, surely another of your favorites, relieved the bishops and archbishops of this obligation and made it the duty of the Dominicans. This took the disquieting stench of blood off of the hands of most of your kids, placing it on a select body for that single purpose. Gregory was not hiding in the fields when you passed out intelligence. With these thing in mind, let us turn to the Inquisition. In his bull of Excommunicamus, Gregory not only instituted the Inquisition for the good of the heretic, but maintained that charitable, although convincing instruction, should be used before execution. In order that the soul's of the wretched might have one last opportunity for salvation. To that end certain apparatus was devised and follows a brief description of some of these contraptions. Toe wedges: Toenails were slowly pried out with wooden skewers tipped with boiling sulfer, then driven into the sensitive quick, while at the same time slowly tearing the fingernails out with red hot tongs. This was often adequate to bring those with only minor transgressions back into the fold. Tongue Slicer: A heretic's mouth was forced open and the tongue was painstakingly sliced into shreds by serrated iron blades. This has the unfortunate side effect that confession and repentance were difficult to determine. The Holy Inquisitor often had to simply guess whether contrition had taken place. This procedure was usually followed with death by burning which enabled you, Lord Jesus, to sort out the penitent from the unrepentant. The Bench: Tied naked to this device the prodigal, immobile had his skin removed by an inquisitor wielding a sharp knife. Once the skin was removed, salt was rubbed into the raw flesh to spice things up a little. Even though these rituals were accomplished with reverence and love, many screamed obscenities at their saviors. Many of your kids turned away with tears in their eyes, their feelings quite injured. Torture by Fire: A favorite of the Inquisitors. The wastrel was tied to The Bench, his feet immobilized. The soles of his feet were liberally smeared with lard and then slowly broiled over red-hot coals. Periodically fresh coats of lard were applied to insure the baking process was excruciatingly slow. The goodness in the hearts of your kids, prompted this to be a favorite. Confession and repentance, when it transpired, was not garbled by the destruction of the tongue, death by infection was much reduced over the skinning process, and, while the sinner would never walk again, there was little other harm. Thus, given a choice, a great many of your Inquisitors, having soft hearts and love, utilized this method to save the soul's of the forlorn. The Copper Boot: Another favorite for much the same reason as above. A copper boot was fitted over the naked foot and slowly filled with boiling oil or molten lead. Alternatively the boot could be then cooled with water and reheated over a fire. The Lead Sprinkler: Immobilized, molten lead drops could be sprinkled over a the body of a sinful soul. This was not a favorite, however, because sometimes the drops would spray to far afield and an Inquisitor might be burnt by one. This was quite painful and thus fell out of favor. The Water Torture: The heretic's nostrils were clamped shut and quart after quart of liquid was poured down his or her throat by means of a funnel. Water and or vinegar, mixed with the plentiful supply of urine and diarrhea to be found in the dungeons was used. This also fell out of favor ... it was certainly sufficiently disgusting, sickening, and nauseous, but the pain element, as determined by decibels of screaming, was not thought to be severe. Not to mention the aroma was offensive to the delicate nostrils of our Inquisitors and upon occasion some of the slop might splash on their fine robes. The Nut Cracker: A set of toothed pincers used for slowly squeezing the testicles. Even Inquisitors have some imagination and, being men, the idea behind this was often too much for them. True, they were used, but often only after the Inquisitor left the dungeon during actual application. There were many more, the Thumbscrew, the Venetian Foot Breaker, the Iron Spider (red-hot spiders to tear off the breasts of females), the Mouth Pear (to muffle screams, and obscene epithets, when they offended the Inquisitors), The Tabillas (immobilizing the toes for individual torture), The Rack, (sometimes used to tear of limns, at other times supplied with spikes so that a face down sinner would have his guts ripped open), The Crocodile Shears (heated red-hot and used to rip the penis off.) All these righteous and holy mechanisms devoted to saving the soul, for what does the body matter, the agony of the flesh compared to the fiery flames of hell applied to one's immortal soul. Praise be to the devotion of your kids, many souls that had been lost were brought back into the fold, confessed and repentant and imprisoned for life in the lowest, deepest, filthiest part of the dungeons to remind them of the eternal fate from which they had been saved. Lord, Most High, your kids can be classified into two groups, both entirely devoted, but unfortunately not to each other. The first group, "Bible Literalists" are represented most accurately by Christian Fundamentalists, the other group, "Religious Authoritarians" allow chosen men to their final authority. The latter is represented most precisely by Roman Catholicism. The Catholic Fathers have boldly stated that they are not dependent upon Scripture alone, but also on tradition as a second pillar of truth. Where there is a conflict, tradition receives the greater acknowledgment. Arbitrator over what is given as truth, accepting no authority higher than itself, the Catholic belief system constantly evolves to fit changing times. This also explains the fierce antagonism between Catholic and Fundamentalists. When the Pope presents religious modifications which involve disputing the timeless and unchanging Word of God, Bible Literalists go crazy. There has often been a large flow of conversions from Catholicism to Fundamentalism, as the latter system requires only simple minded, even childlike, faith, whereas the former requires a modicum of thought. Both are your kids, but they rarely recognize their kinship. Catholics, having divorced from Biblical absolutes sees herself as the church founded on Peter (as per my earlier letter) and she and she alone is empowered to bring salvation to the world. Furthermore she believes herself, and herself alone, to be assigned the task of bringing your kingdom to earth. Catholics seek both secular and religious power and when she attains it she is willing to wield it against any adversaries to her designs. This is why, down through the centuries, your Catholic kids achieved and held absolute power, inculcating the Dark Ages and bringing forth the Great Crusades. Jews, Moslems, pagans, atheists, and others have always felt the wrath of Rome, but a particular intense rage has always been reserved for her staunchest and most effective challengers ... the Fundamentalists. In more recent times the Church has found it expedient to soften her appearance, to seem more lenient. Yet in countries where Catholicism still holds power, the degree of persecution is determined by the degree of control. Bible Literalists are no less harsh to Catholics in countries where they hold power. The conflict in Ireland that has been waged interminably is between Catholics and Protestants, neither side willing to compromise, each side hating the other. Sometimes my Lord, although I know you work in mysterious ways, I wonder why you don't return to earth and settle their differences. How can either side establish your Kingdom when they are eternally at way with each other? Please, I sincerely apologize if I have overstepped my boundaries. I recall the punishment you handed down the last time I got out of line, and I certainly mean no disrespect. My only concern springs from the deepest respect for you and with the most profound love of your kids uppermost in my heart. The wanton slaughter of the despicable heretics, Jews, heretics, pagans, and other malefactors continued unabated for nearly six hundred years, embracing a large portion of what is termed the Dark Ages. "Saint" Thomas Aquinas supported the idea that if forgers and thieves could be imprisoned and executed by secular authority, than there was much more reason to torture, imprison, and kill those who refused to believe in Holy Mother Church. Oh my Dear Lord, those were the halcyon days of yesteryear, would that we could return to that marvelous age. Your kids were at their best, invincible and irresistible they dominated every aspect of every life. The "persecution" of Catholics in the arenas of Rome was mild and humane, compared to the persecution of pagans and heretics. We showed the world what persecution was really all about. Art, science, industry and even commerce was arrested by the Holy Inquisition. Our only misfortune is that we weren't quite able to bring it to a standstill. We compelled multitudes of families to abandon the kingdom. We instigated the expulsion of Jews and Moores, and immolated on the flaming shambles of their city more than 300,000 sinners. Between 1227 and 1492 the most conservative estimates of sinners tortured and put to death is millions. Millions of wretched, wicked, disbelievers and this doesn't even count the various wars and other conflicts instigated over the centuries your kids, the Catholic Fathers. Nor does it count, at a later time, the account of the Holocaust, wrought on Jews by the Nazis, led by Roman Catholic who used their own religious history to justify their actions. Making every allowance for error, my Lord, we must rank the Inquisition, against all other periods of history, among the brightest gems of our march to world domination. We demonstrated a ferocity of devotion unknown to the in any man or beast. Torquemadada, your first Grand Inquisitor, was a worthy and accomplished predecessor of Heydrich and Eichman. We have fallen on bad times, Lord. This is true! But the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith still waits quietly, silently, and patiently. It is grandchild of the Holy Office of the Inquisition and, if the opportunity presents itself, stands ready to stamp out heresy and disbelief, at your command. Heresy is a crime against you, Dear Jesus, and those who are guilty are traitors to the human species, betrayers of the Church, and enemies of God, the Father. Beside me stand your Heavenly Hosts; Gregory VII, Innocent III, Boniface VII, Alexander VI, Gregory XIII, and Pius IX, they will not abide the insufferable blasphemies from those living abominable lives. They are ready to bestow their blessings on your Holy Crusaders and Your Holy Inquisitors, ready to righteously destroy, virtuously pillage, chastely rape, and morally murder the iniquitous. Even now, I hear the screams of those inhuman monsters who would blaspheme and defile your name, defying the Holy Father and the Cardinals. The glorious racks, the dungeons of divine intervention, the sublime stakes, those majestic fires of Smithfield, the grand butcheries of Bartholomew, that august Spanish Armada, those unspeakably divine dragonnades, the endless train of Holy wars, the multitudes of merry massacres ... I see it all before me, in your name and with your blessing, billions will perish. But give us the word, a sign, the power, and we will weave a new tapestry, sing new songs, dance to new tunes of death and destruction, a matchless melody from which none shall ever again escape.
Praise in the Highest,
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