Part Eighteen

Be What Life Has Asked of You

Joan Lansberry

October 14, 1997

Great abundance is heaped up as the result of brutalizing labor, but a miserable life is the result.

We are born once and cannot be born twice, but we must be no more for all time. Not being master of tomorrow, you nonetheless delay your happiness. Life is consumed by procrastination, and each of us dies without providing leisure for himself.

translated by Eugene O'Conner

It was Epicurus, a Greek philosopher born in 341B.C., who said those words. He discovered this wisdom early in humanity's history. But it has been only now that I read these words, and have come to know the exact meaning of the misery of which he spoke.

Sunday, October 5th, I took a few minutes guilty pleasure away from my labors to do a bit of reading. I had so much work that every minute I wasn't working, the tasks still undone haunted me. So it was that a meditation which appeared in Footsteps, a newsletter of the Mercy of God Community, an ecumenical, Franciscan community, caught my attention. The author spoke of disturbing imagery that came to her when she was swimming. She would swim in the pool at her condominium to relax after work. However this day, she could not shake the image of a shark being in the pool with her. This movie of the mind played itself for several days.

One evening while swimming I suddenly found myself with the frightening awareness that I wasn't in the pool alone but was accompanied in my laps by a shark. I tried to get my mind to shift channels to another object of contemplation; but the image was so powerful that despite my efforts, I was unable to move to some other awareness. I'm not sure that I was even able to swim out the time that I usually committed to this discipline. The fantasy was so powerful that it occupied my thoughts for days and even years later. Unfortunately, it wasn't until recently that I was able to come to an understanding of the teaching inherent in this experience.

I was prompted to reconsider sharks as one of my patients has been troubled by frequent, recurrent dreams about swimming with sharks.

And, thus, she was able to learn the message her non-verbal mind had been giving her.

As you may remember from biology class, the shark is a more primitive fish having a skeleton of cartilage rather than bone. It also differs from other fishes in that it has no air bladder. These bladders enable fish to adjust to different depths and maintain themselves at that level without swimming. Being without this evolutionary adaptation, sharks must constantly swim or they sink. As a consequence, sharks can never rest.

Recently, while sitting in prayer, I was struggling with many thoughts that took me away from the object of my contemplation. I went through everything imaginable such as feeling hungry and tired, being aware of pain in my knee, thinking about needing to clean my house, worrying about commitments, thinking about things going on at work; the list was endless. Finally I got it!...the realization that I was like the shark that was swimming with me that night. All of these obligations, responsibilities, distractions, I allow to take me away from the time that I could spend sitting with an awareness of the Divine; my constant activity keeps me from being able to take time to rest in the company of the Holy Spirit.

Tears came to my eyes when I read these words. I was the shark that can never rest! All of my obligations and responsibilities weighed heavy on me. I tried to remember when it was that I had had a day all to myself. I remembered there was one day in August. August 5, I could remember the exact day. We had went to Tucson and had lunch with Tyan. It was rare, delicious and wonderful. I couldn't remember if I had a day off in September. Every day I toiled long hours at sewing. I had to steal away time to write my journal, see a movie or take a short trip. That Sunday the 5th, Laura and I went to the arboretum in the morning. The brief experience of fresh air was enticing. How I longed to just relax when we got home. But I had so much work to do. I steeled myself for the tasks and worked well into the dark of the evening. The sounds of merry laughter and play in the living room seemed so distant.

Monday after returning from work at the cleaners, I relaxed the rest of the day. I played computer games and had a lovely soak in the big tub. Then this fear seized me as I laid down to go to sleep How dare you have wasted the time today? You have so much to do. You will have to work from early in the morning until time to go to bed! I tossed and turned violently in my slumbers that night. Tuesday I began work early. It seemed as though I were moving in slow motion. I would never finish all I needed to do. Mid-day, my head seemed wooly. I couldn't think clearly. I went to Laura, and could scarcely talk. She led me to the big tub for a leisurely bath and calmed me down. I double steeled myself to do more work. It took all the force of my will, all my concentration, but I had managed to finish all but one of the things for the cleaners. I could not force myself to do anymore. I staggered out to the living room, where everyone was watching a fantasy children's movie about a warrior. I stared at the screen, slack-jawed. I couldn't make sense of the flickering images and words.

The next movie we watched was Volcano. Los Angeles was experiencing strange geological phenomenon. Workers were dying in tunnels beneath the earth. The area's best geological emergency expert was due for his vacation. He called off the vacation and came into work to deal with the problem. I remember thinking.,Oh, if that were me, I couldn't go back to work. I wouldn't be able. The volcano would just have to eat us all. The special effects of this movie were incredible, and images of the red-hot oozing lava filled my nightmares that evening. Everyone was screaming and trying to flee the pursuing menace. I would wake up after each nightmare, seized by violent tossing and turning. I felt possessed, and, frightened, I woke Laura up. She held me as I sobbed. What was happening to me? I didn't understand. I was feverish, had diarrhea, and nausea. Those were the mild symptoms. The violent shaking was the worst. After one more lava nightmare, I woke up, still in this wretched state. Laura said You are too sick to go in to work. I'm not going to let you! I sobbed, I can't fight you. I don't have the strength to say no. Laura and Julia took the basket of work into the cleaners and told them I was very, very sick and wouldn't return until Monday.

Tyan sat with me while they were gone, and comforted me while I sobbed and shaked. I told her of an image that had come to me. I was wearing a vest filled with pins. The densely packed pins poked me constantly. I was walking to the cleaners' door, carrying a basket so heavily laden that I could barely lift it. I struggled with it into the shop, laid it down, took off the vest of pins, and told them, I'm sorry, I just can't do anymore. The nonverbal mind will tell us things long before the reasoning mind can. I knew I could not continue to work for them and do the growing in home sewing business both. This mental imagery pointed the way I needed to go.

The pin metaphor was perfect, for all over my body, my nerves felt "prickly", as though being irritated by tiny pin pricks. I knew the most important thing I had to do was heal.

October 15, 1997

Another one of my icons from youth has met his passing from earth. John Denver, originally Henry John Deutschendorf Jr. was only fifty-three. During the 70's he wrote many songs and recorded many albums. His music has always had a gentle optimism and innocence. According to the Associated Press article: Fourteen of his albums went gold and eight were ranked as platinum, with more than a million copies sold. ``John Denver's Greatest Hits'' in 1973 is still one of the biggest-selling albums in the history of RCA Records, with worldwide sales of more than 10 million copies. John Denver's brand-new experimental Y-shaped plane crashed Sunday in California's picturesque Monterey Bay.``The aircraft was about 500 feet in the air and about 100 yards off the coast itself when the engine quit and it went straight down into the water,'' said Sheriff Norman Hicks. ``It just sort of dove head first, straight down into the water.'' Jerry Weintraub, the singer's friend and longtime manager, said Denver had a passion for flying. However, he had only given this plane three practice touch-and-go landings before leaving on the fatal flight.

I adored his music as a young teenager. I had two of his albums and songbooks of his music. I would often play his songs on the piano. Annie's Song was a mellow song with a rolling left hand that flowed like the easy rocking of a boat on the water. I'd sing "You fill up my senses..." feeling like I was on that gently rocking boat. Calypso, about the undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau, was another favorite I'd belt out with all the enthusiasm I could muster. Leaving On a Jet Plane and Follow You, Follow Me received similar fortissimo treatment. I'd listen to him sing Grandma's Feather Bed, and imagine myself bouncing on such a warm, enveloping bed. Oh, I did enjoy his Rocky Mountain Highs.

October 20, 1997

Tyan likes to give us URLs for various web sites she has found interesting. She has taken the name "Duchess of URL", and has a column in a Tucson magazine called Rubyfruit Journal, in which she shares her web finds. Many of the sites have personality tests you can take. One rather fascinating one at http://www.ullazang.com/personality.html#shapes is a simple personality test with nine designs. You pick the design you like best and it tells you something about your personality. We have taken many such tests using verbal parameters, but this was the first visually based test. We all had great fun with the test. We each had strong emotional reactions to the designs, very much liking some and despising others. When we clicked on the best-liked picture for the analysis, surprisingly the description fit each of us. And my second and third choices also reflect aspects of my personality as well.

The above design is my most favorite. I chose it because of the bright, cheerful colors, and the three-dimensional effect. The red heart and the squiggle float above the 'sheet of paper' playfully. The squiggle seems musical. The 'sheet of paper' would have musical notation for a song on it if I zoomed inside the depths of the picture. Another picture with warm colors and a geometric symmetry is also appealing to me, but is too rigid to be first choice. My third choice is a pastel toned design with comforting circular shapes. It reminds me of a peaceful soak in the tub, away from the world's troubles.

Here is what my first choice says about me, according to the designers, an artist and a psychologist who did not give their names:

You love a free and spontaneous life. And you attempt to enjoy it to the fullest, in accordance with the motto: "You only live once." You are very curious and open about everything new; you thrive on change. Nothing is worse than when you feel tied down. You experience your environment as being versatile and always good for a surprise.

That does describe my basic modus operandi. My second choice reveals

Your momentary sensitivity represents that which is of high quality and durable. Consequently, you like to surround yourself with little "gems," which you discover wherever they are overlooked by others. Thus, culture plays a special role in your life.

That is true, for culture and the little "gems" are but two of the ways I bring enjoyment into my life. The third choice, which reminds me of a tranquil tub soak, reveals

You like to get away from it all and be alone from time to time to contemplate the meaning of life and enjoy yourself. You need space, so you escape to beautiful hideaways, but you are not a loner. You are at peace with yourself and the world, and you appreciate life and what this world has to offer.

Getting away from it all to someplace beautiful and tranquil is indeed yet another way I experience the fullness of life.

Laura, Julia and Tyan all picked designs different than mine. Julia and Tyan both prefer a dark purple quiet swirl design. Julia's second choice is the same as mine. Laura, who never takes such tests, regarding them all with great skepticism, was sitting at the other computer when I was examining the pictures. She looked briefly at my screen, and tersely said that there was only one which looked in any way attractive to her, a design which reminds me of an egg, potato and onions. I was amused to discover that design's profile says You tend to be skeptical toward the whims of fashion trends. Laura countered that she'd have been more impressed if the statement had unequivocally said "You are a skeptic." But then, these tests never go that specific. They are just for amusement, which I find sufficient reason.

October 21, 1997

"Desert Island Discs" *

I like to play mental games with myself. Today I posed a question for myself to answer. If you were allowed by circumstances only five musical albums, what five would you pick? You will never have any others, so choose carefully. I often pose this question, and the answer varies. I have so many favorites, it's hard to narrow them down. Today I would choose:

Capercaillie, GET OUT: This Celtic contemporary album has only eight tracks, but it is the quality of those that earn its space over another Capercaillie album. The 'Puirt-A-Beul' (mouth tune), Pige Ruadh, is the most exuberantly lively tune I've ever heard. The live concert version of Coisich a' Rùin ('Walk My Beloved') preserves that special 'hit' of theirs. Karen's version of Fear a' Bhàta('My Boatman'), a classic Scottish Gaelic love song, is one of the most beautiful and moving ballads I have ever heard. These should be immortalized.

Putumayo Presents: Women of the World: Celtic: This twelve-song compilation features the voices of nine women. Each song is a polished gem. Mary Black's Treasure Island and Song For Ireland are without peer. Karen Matheson of Capercaillie does two songs showing her silky sensuous power. Altan's Dúlamán, their finest piece, is preserved here. I'd choose this album every time.

Virgin Records: Pure Moods: How do you distill the best of new age in one album? Pure Moods is that distillation. Each song is an emotionally moving experience for me. Enigma's Return to Innocence, Adiemus' song titled the same as their group name, Micheal Nyman's tumultuous The Promise; I'd want to hear these and the rest of the pieces over and over.

Bach, Goldberg Variations, as performed by Vladimir Feltsman: Life without Bach is unthinkable. The Goldberg Variations are the epitome of the calm, even-rhythmed almost mathematical precision that is Bach. The variations starts out very slowly and simply with a basic melody line. Through out the thirty-two variations; it builds in complexity, with counter harmonies, it becomes bouncy and bright, it becomes an immense musical journey whose destination is so wonderfully fulfilled.

Narada Collection Series: CELTIC VOICES, women of song: I couldn't ever be without hearing Mary McLaughlin singing her composition Sealwoman/Yundah or her haunting You Saw His Eyes. The Celtic classic Siuil A Ruin('Go, Love'), which seems to have been recorded by almost all female Celtic artists, is ably done by Connie Dover. Connie's three other songs are also worthy, as are those by Mairéid Sullivan and Emma Christian, the other contributors to this collection.

(Julia gets credit for this title, the name of a radio program by Lisa Simeone which airs in Julia's native Baltimore, Maryland.)

October 22, 1997

The personality test I spoke of in the October 20th entry has nine different personality types. This evening I read about one personality categorization system that is even more simplified than that. It is the classical Buddhist system, in which the three categories are: the desirous or greedy type, the angry type, and the deluded type. (As described in Sharon Salzberg's article in the November New Age Journal) "The Visuddhi-magga (Path of Purification) describes each one in detail. Notice if anything seems familiar:

When one of greedy temperament sees even a slightly pleasing visible object, they look long, as if surprised. They seize on trivial virtues, discount genuine faults, and when departing, they do so with regret as if unwilling to leave.

When one of angry temperament sees even a slightly displeasing visual object, they avoid looking long, as if they were tired. They pick out trivial faults, discount genuine virtues, and when departing, they do so without regret as if anxious to leave.

When on of deluded temperament sees any sort of visible object, they copy what others do. If they hear others criticizing, they criticize; if they hear others praising, they praise, but actually they feel equanimity in themselves, the equanimity of unknowing!"

This system was originally designed so people could determine the best sort of meditation for themselves in order to bring balance into their lives.

"The tendency towards greed, for instance, also indicates a willingness to draw near to things, to surrender to experience. So the purified manifestation of greedy types is faith. Faith allows us to face life more fully, and it does so without the stickiness and obscuring intoxication of greed.

Angry types fixate on what is wrong in a situation. They may also be inclined to look more deeply than others and to recognize what is unpleasant or unwelcome. Because of this, anger transmutes to wisdom. Wisdom demands that we go beneath a superficial level of perception that is normally hidden from view, and thus more fully understand all elements of life. Wisdom can function in these ways without the painful and isolating effects of anger.

The deluded type feels disconnected from whatever is happening and doesn't quite know how to respond. With increasing mindfulness, however, this person can transform delusion into spacious equanimity. Their serenity comes not from being insensitive to what is happening, but, rather, from being fully connected at all times.

There's much food for thought there. I see deeper truths in it. As I seek to grow in faith, wisdom and equanimity, increased mindfulness will enable that growth to happen. A poem that was forwarded to an e-mail list Julia belongs to, also increases in me those life-affirming and enriching qualities:

"Cut yourself loose from the vines that claim you.
Grow strong with your own roots.
Find the core of who you are and live with that.
Become that.
Let attachments fall to the ground.
Feel the freedom of yourself.
Breathe fully in the knowing you are you.
Now you can grow, no longer stifled.
Be what life has asked of you."

Blackwolf Jones
The Healing Drum