Gender Identity, Self-esteem, and Depression

Dialogue between Laura and Susan

I have difficulty writing an article concerning mostly "transsexuals", partly because what I have to say almost invariably is misunderstood and seen as arrogant, but also because I don't recognize the distinctions that the word "transsexual" represents by implication and inference. Transsexual identification, as I understand it, makes quarters of the bipolar world. If no male ever sought to live as a woman, and no female ever sought to live as a man, according to the commonly adopted scripting, there would only be two sexes and both genders would agree. There would be males who as adults become men and females who become women. With the construct of transsexuality we extend that concept to include males who grow up to become women and females who grow up to become men and the world is, by virtue of such distinction, "quadripolar." However, is the concept of a quadripolar world an improvement over the bipolar society or a perpetuation of the same dysfunctional perspective? When a gender variant, gay male, lesbian, or some other comes into the world they are handed a pile of extra baggage in addition to the ordinary baggage that everyone has to carry. Consequently, to one degree or another, their self-image and sense of identity suffers. During the growing-up process gender variants often seek remedies to address the anxiety and depression that seems an almost integral part of their life. Sometimes the solution is rebellion and certain gay males march naked in parades feigning anal sex because they know it will be offensive to the society that has wounded them. Or you find women isolating themselves in countrified settings where they don't even have to lay eyes on a man. Wounded and vulnerable, they hide. Some find solace in suicide, or become would-be saviors like Applewhite of Heaven's Gate, leading lonely people with them into oblivion. Others seek out wanton and promiscuous sex, burying their pain in hedonistic pleasure. Some live solely in the gay community, never leaving it unless absolutely required. Some address their differences and the depression it causes by believing they can slip unnoticed into mainstream society, or by joining the opposition, or even by recreating themselves in an image they believe will grant them a certain tacit acceptance. "Republican gays", "lesbians for Christ", and, yes, transsexuals seeking bodily transition and who view themselves as heterosexual women qualify. Does this sound harsh, mean-spirited, cruel? I suppose superficially it does. However, I try not to avoid an uncomfortable hypothesis concerning myself, or others, and certainly not when examining potentially explosive issues in which self-deception is characteristic. My explorations aren't meant to be cruel, they are meant to open objective discussion. Do I seem to be attacking vulnerable people? Deepening depression in a people who already have suffered too much? If we cannot square off and examine the "transsexual phenomenon", just as we would with any other subject, then we may never discover the reality. First of all, identity is of paramount importance and all people have to discover who they are before they can begin to lead confident and happy lives. Gender variants, however, not only have to discover who they are, but what they are, and role models are neither plentiful nor of sterling quality. My own particular path led to transsexual transition. Thus I can speak with some degree of confidence on the subject. Most males who have a strong feminine inclination discover something of what is going on inside them at a very early age. I was certainly no exception to this rule. Yet, because of the denigration and disgust at "abominations" such as myself I reacted to type. I married, had children, and lived in continual conflict against a very essential part of my identity. When I "indulged" that essential part I felt good, alive, like something special was transforming me, and when I fought against it I felt bad and like a part of me was missing. The fallacy of positive instances applies here in that examination of my body, mind, and heart all led me to believe that I was a woman. After all, each fetus essentially begins female, does it not? All males have nipples, do they not? We who conceive of ourselves as women can point out anomalies in our male bodies which indicate femaleness, can we not? Never mind that these things are true for other males and do not automatically lead to feelings of being a woman. On our part we want a justification for our identification as a woman so we latch on to everything that can give us comfort, anything that might support our somewhat delusional self-concept... delusional only if we insist on presenting as a female woman. After many years of battle with these issues I was exhausted; most of us experience something similar. I had already found that I wasn't a man, none of my feelings or reactions inclined in that direction. I had also found that I was neither a homosexual, nor a transvestite. When I heard the term "transsexual" I was ready for it. I knew I was much more comfortable among women than among men and many of my interests were those typical of women. Once again the fallacy of positive instances comes into play. Because I fit in better among women and because women are generally more accepting than men, I believed that I was a woman, a woman trapped in a male body but nonetheless a woman. I was young and naive and bought into this concept hook, line, and sinker. How not? It relieved me of guilt feelings, shame, and allowed me to restore some shred of my self-esteem. I wasn't mentally unbalanced, I was "only" an anomaly, a freak of nature, not much different from a hermaphrodite. It was a giant step up from being an abomination to the Lord God and fit only for stoning. Yet I still had to accept that there was something "wrong" with me, something that needed fixing. My body didn't agree with my self-identity and needed alteration. Some of us come to despise our bodies and at the same time think it is healthy to do so. Some of us have a pathology so severe we do outlandish things to emulate the most uncomfortable aspects of being a female. Urinating in sanitary napkins to simulate the menstrual period, deliberately making ourselves constipated and then ingesting laxatives in some confused simulation of pregnancy, painfully forcing a male body to appear female through various contrivances, submerging anything that opposes our idealized fantasy, and on and on. I began living as a woman at first only part time and then more and more fully until I only appeared as a man if absolutely necessary. I began female hormones, grew my hair long, developed breasts and hips, and even began to work as a woman. For a time I had intercourse with countless men, trying desperately to establish my identity as a woman. I had fantasies of finding a man to love me, to want me so much that he would help me obtain SRS, and then we would live happily ever after. I had yet to learn that men who want women such as myself are searching for the erotic and exotic, not for wives. Eventually I had an orchiectomy, removal of my testicles, and would have had SRS, having fulfilled all the criteria for same, except a cardiac condition precluded the final procedure. Often transsexuals who obtain the goal of SRS, think they should be deliriously happy and are surprised to discover the depression they had hoped to alleviate has not disappeared. At the risk of being simplistic, part of this occurs because a male is not a female, can never be a female, and only has a vicarious and limited perception of what it means to be a female. Males, first and foremost, do not have female bodies. They neither menstruate, carry babies, nor experience the bodily dialogue that goes on between a female and her body from the time of birth until the grave. Males don't experience growing up as a female, neither the fears nor the joys, the delights nor the torments, and it isn't something that can be simulated. But I was willing to try because it was the closest I had come to finding a niche where I could fit in. As time went on I found more and more reasons to identify with the feminine world. Having made immense sacrifices, chemically and surgically altering my body, making changes in my vocation and avocations, I had a vested interest in believing I was little different from any other woman, except I had been born with a male body. It came as an immense shock to discover that I was not as close to the sought-for goal as I had hoped and, in many ways, no closer than when I had started. This is not to say there wasn't some closeness in the beginning. Obviously there was or that wouldn't have been the direction I, or any of us, would have chosen. But with all the changes, modifications, and adaptations it comes as a harsh awakening that not only doesn't society view us much differently than before, but that we, ourselves, don't see a whole lot of difference either. The end result is that our tendency to depression from a lifetime of censure is not relieved when we reach what we had hoped was the beginning of a new life. Perhaps it might be healthier if we didn't attempt to fit ourselves into the niches already in place and that represent the paths of other people. Heterosexual men, heterosexual women, gay males, lesbians: pick one and tack the label "transsexual" in front of it. Now we can fit in, can be accepted and everything will be right in the world, right? Only it doesn't work that way. Not a single one of those groups is ready to embrace us without reservation. Heterosexual men, for the most part, aren't interested in a "transsexual woman" and, if they knew about it, wouldn't want a "transsexual man" as a drinking buddy. Heterosexual women, gay males, and lesbians, as social groups, are not all that comfortable with us either. Everyone possesses some aspects of diversity, but most of the people we encounter think of us as more "different" than themselves. And we are! We embody a little bit of each group. We are a composite of humanity, a blend, and we have to find our own way in the world, not pigeon-hole ourselves into roles and identities that are ill-fitting and uncomfortable. We need to establish our own identity, an identity that is ours and ours alone and one that lends us self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-appreciation. Perhaps this will open up a meaningful exploration of what it means to be gender variant and contribute to clearing away the walls we have so laboriously built. I hope that my postulation will not be seen as a hostile attack on vulnerable people, but rather as a means of searching for answers. When one is confronted with an ambiguity, a "conundrum", as Jan Morris put it, one can trivialize the hurt and say, "Oh well, our 'arrival' wasn't what we expected, so let's just get on with life." Or, we can widen the search for new answers, better solutions, in hopes of helping others like ourselves in generations to come. From my past experience I have concern that my words might be wrongly perceived as an attack upon those who have already endured years of suffering. It is with much trepidation that I present an article such as this, knowing that it could be a source of distress to people essentially like myself. There was a time, in fact, when I might have felt pain reading words such as these. However, one of the foundations of my life has been the realization that only through objective truth can we ever hope to attain mastery of ourselves; that a path of illusion must be examined and corrected. To ignore this challenge is to condemn ourselves, and others like us, to perpetually follow in footsteps too often ending in depression and sorrow. Article End Susan responds: I agree in basic principle with what you are saying, for example, the fallacy of switching roles and believing that one can disappear into society without trace. Particularly in England with the Birth Certificate issue I am still legally male although all my other legal and state issued ID says female (passport, drivers licence and medical card - I even get reminders to have smear tests) so I will be constantly "tripped" up with such matters as applying to be on a local authority housing register (where I am asked to provide an original long-form birth certificate), any dealing with welfare, and other matters such as life insurance cover (classified as a male in the proposal document), my retirement age, when I am sixty five rather then sixty - as if I would decide to go through all this just to be able to retire five years earlier; and of course the big one, not being able to marry - or rather not being able to marry a male (and if I did marry another woman, I would not be able to consummate it so it would not be legal !!! Got both ways !!! Also the problem with disappearing into the new gender role is that a new past has to be constructed, based on lies and deceit. Given that few people seem interested in us as potential life partners, I can't even begin to think about the repercussions of being involved in an intimate relationship with the other person not knowing. If my list of stress factors is daunting, just that one could be more than the rest combined. And when they find out ??? I do consider myself a heterosexual woman, a queer heterosexual woman. Prior to transition I was attracted to females, and whilst not upset by the thought of involvement with a male, I was not interested in that form of expression. When I started transition I assumed that I would remain attracted to females, but to my surprise I find that my interest has changed, and I am now attracted to males (okay, only a couple have interested me - not as a group) and no longer interested in females - although I don't have any aversion to a relationship with one - and those that I used to find attractive sexually no longer interest me in that way. Within the definition of bipolar / quadripolar you miss out the male to androgyne and female to androgyne. At which point the whole thing becomes so tortuous that it is better to dump the whole concept of xx/xy polar and try for something different. Poles are after all extremes and only serve to reinforce the distinctions of isolated groups rather than a holistic continuum of life expressions. I have a problem with your use of the word 'presenting' in the sentence "... delusional only if we insist on presenting as a female woman". Personally I present as a woman in society. I do not try to pass, nor do I go overboard in trying to hide any possible signs on my past. I feel comfortable living in a female way, wearing female styles of clothing, using and being addressed by female name and pronouns. I am aware that I may well be seen as a transsexual when out in public, and to be honest I don't care as long as I am not harassed or otherwise messed with. I agree that the simplistic viewpoint, thrust on us by the medical profession perhaps, of swapping one role for the other is not satisfactory. But by the very same token that there are not simply pure males and pure females, but a wide overlapping variation; so there must be a similar spread in transsexuals. Whilst I don't like to do "labels" I also feel that people do need some forms of definition for themselves, for their own identity and need to create a stable platform from which to sail through life. I did actually feel very much a woman in a genetic male's body. Instead of a silent stranger I now see a woman reflected in the bathroom mirror, and she smiles and laughs with me. Since my orchidectomy the woman stepped forward and now I have had my operation the body image I see is congruent to the inner feeling. Despite this I do agree in principle with you direction of thought. I feel perhaps that you are presenting it from a fairly radical viewpoint, which will if nothing else hopefully provoke thought and self examination. Such was my thoughts when I read Bornstein's Gender Outlaw in the days following my orchidectomy, and wrote the following: WHO AM I? I am no longer male, yet not female. I have no testis, I have no womb. I do have breasts, and a penis still. Who am I? In transition our therapy is lies, We make a past that is false. We reject ourselves, to find ourselves. Who am I? I was a man, who would be woman, I have made my choice this time. I step aside from my birth gender. Who am I? I am neither, I am both, I am somewhere to the side. I must not exchange walls, but Who am I? I have freed myself from that which kept me prisoner inside. I face the future with new hope. I am myself! by Susan, 21st November 1995 In the end we are all people, and that should be the primary consideration. Laura's Response to Susan: There are a number of excellent reasons for not hiding our pasts. First and foremost it is dishonorable and each thing we do that is dishonorable lowers our self-esteem, leading to deepening of any depressive tendencies. This doesn't mean we have to wear a badge or wave a flag, but in any activity where we are in close contact with other people we should be open. Even more so in any personal relationships because any deception would create a wall between yourself and a prospective lover. I didn't miss out on the androgyne, my comments were directed to the androgyne and the reality that, whether we admit it or not, we (transsexuals and other gender variants) are androgynes. We adopt the role of women in our bipolar society because it is dangled before us like a carrot. Certainly we identify more with women than men, but the only reality we actually know intimately is that of an androgyne in a society where you are told you should be either a man or a woman. Being proud of ourselves because we are androgynes is rare, but that is a goal we should all pursue whether we view ourselves as queer heterosexual women, transsexual lesbians, or homosexual males living as women. Thus, my comment of "presenting" as a heterosexual woman was directed solely at anyone denying their androgyne nature, not just those who would designate themselves as "female" women. It is this lack of pride in what we are that I see as essentially destructive of self-image and the foundation of much of the depression relative to our gender identity. Too many of us are ashamed we were not born female ... and that is a denial of the rightful pride we should have in our nature as gender variants. It is a shame that (O)ther is not a viable option in society. It should be! When we use labels we have a certain leeway to define ourselves, but it should not redefine words already in use to define others. Thus the word "female" refers to a person born with certain physical characteristics, a body potentially able to experience menstruation and bear children, and who is raised and grows up to become a woman as a female. The word female is one we "need" to co-opt for legal purposes but it is a word that fits us only poorly in that after hormone therapy and an orchiectomy we can say we have become hormonally female, but there is the end of it. The word woman, however, is more flexible and relates to a lot of societal issues which does allow us to make use of it in a more extensive manner. To be realistic a person born with a physically male body, however it may have been altered, loving another person born with a male body can justifiably be called a homosexual. Words, quite the contrary to the popular opinion that words should be defined helter-skelter by each person's desire, are all labels of one sort or another and, if we intend to communicate with others, we need to use them as precisely as possible. Goodness knows they are enough of a problem when used with precision, let alone when used without it. I thank you for you response and it is my hope these exchanges will encourage others to express their ideas, thoughts, and opinions. Maybe together we can learn new perspectives about ourselves. Gender variance has largely been unexplored and it has become apparent that if we don't do it, then it isn't going to be done. I also think that at this stage in our understanding the ones who may have a few keys are the ones who have been through it and, at the end, discovered an immense and satisfying pride in simply loving ourselves not as what we might become, but as what we are, gender variants. Difficult, perhaps, in a society that would label us deviants, perverts, and abominations, but not impossible I assure you and it is the only honest option available.