December 25, 2004

"A Series of Fortunate Events"
7:52pm

The movie we watched this afternoon was satifying. I was fearful Jim Carrey would mess up his role of Count Orloff with his manic behavior, but he kept it restrained to the role. The Lemony Snickets movie is delightfully gothic. I loved the scene of baby Sunny playing with the big, huge but harmless snake.

The meal we ate later was satisfying. I've never seen the Mandarin Palace so packed. The traditional foods of roast beef and turkey were fresh and tasty. The pumpkin pie didn't look appealing, but I had a generous portion of chocolate pudding.

But after we got home, I felt awful blue. A sort of let down infused me. I wanted to call my Mother and tell her about our delightful day. And then the weepies began. After indulging them for awhile, I decided the best thing would be to get out of the house for a walk in Smucker's Park.

The first sight and sound that greeted us was a drummer drumming on top of a ramada table. He wasn't a little drummer boy for Christmas, but he was a drummer, and we enjoyed his music:

We then turned our attention to the Christmas decorations on the street across from the park. Santa is either waving goodbye or pointing to the moon:

As the sun went down, the nearby street's Christmas lights shone brightly against the sky. Here's one last late wish for happy holidays!

By the time we walked by the drummer again, still steady with his beat, I felt in much better cheer.

December 26, 2004

"Treasures of the Heart"
11:22am

Yesterday's fortune cookie was quite thought provoking:

"Write your name on your heart, and not on marble."

I pondered its meaning out loud to Julia. On marble, it is a cold thing, a grasping thing that seeks fame and recognition as an essential thing to prop up one's flagging self-esteem. But this is a false pride. The true pride finds all of its justification WITHIN: "I have done this. I have done that. I am a happy person. I create beautiful things. I am working on my communication skills. I am learning what I can and can't change via direct action and magical action." These are some things I take pride in. These are not dependent on a large admiring crowd. They may or not be there written in marble for others to see, but they are there on my heart.

Thus, the pride remains in matters of the spirit. I think too, of my material possessions. I enjoy these beautiful items very much. But what if thieves were to break in and steal them? How would I react then? There would be a certain element of mourning. I must consider the possibility, for in truth, all this stuff is temporary. Yet, I rejoice in my ability to enjoy these things. But the important thing is my enjoyment of these things, not the things themselves. The power must always be in me, not outside of me.

Thus it is, even in the material, our strength lies with the spiritual. And what of matters of the heart concerning LOVE? Many religions command their fellowers to love one another. But does love really work under a command? All real love arises from a natural font, without command. And then there's the flip side of this. If love from us can be commanded, then we can attempt to command love from others. But this only leads to misery. The love from me must exist for its own sake, not demanding from others a reply. Then it is free and not 'attached'.

And I feel better for saying so, for this release. Then I can regard everyone with an equanimity of spirit. I feel so much freer.

Without this realization I am helpless and dependent, needing people's approval. I was like this as a teenager. Even while I had fought so hard against my family's restraints, a part of me still hungered for their approval.

There will be those who disapprove of me, and this is okay. They are free to have their own opinion. There will be some who 'approve', who are able to rejoice in what ever I am able to contribute, and this is fine at that. I will not make demands on the number or who they are. It is simply sufficient that there have been those people. I can never be the true 'orphan', for love has found me, as I am and taken me in.

Even though I am now without a mother, I am not a true 'orphan', for I remember that she did love me. She used to say that her two kids were the best things in her life. Her life might not have gone the way she wanted it to. She often struggled with sadness, and yet she rejoiced in being parent to two children and all the promise of our lives. Yes, I carry her love with me, I do.

And I carry Laura's love with me, always, as well. She communicated it to me often: "I can never, if I lived to be a thousand years old, tell you enough about how special I know you to be." I carry her love with me in my heart, and thus it cannot be lost.

And I have Julia along beside me, now. Her present love is precious. We have a good life together.

With these treasures of the heart, I am among the wealthiest indeed.

December 27, 2004

"Treasures of the Hearth"
9:41pm

The new bookcase arrived today, and I filled two shelves with the new treasures and a few pieces I'd had from before. I judged my picks well, finding places through out the house for each of them, except for one which was put into storage. It is curious. At the time, I thought it would likely go there, but the bell labeled CYMRU at the top, and with three 19th century Welsh ladies below it was quirky enough that I wanted it anyway.

A couple of the bells have Christmas deco on them. This will be year round deco!

December 28, 2004

"Ruminations On A Quote"
7:27pm

I found this quote at interluderetreat.com, and it provoked a bit of thought:

To develop understanding, you have to practice looking at all living beings with the eyes of compassion. When you understand, you love. And when you love, you naturally act in a way that can relieve the suffering of people.

Thich Nhat Hanh

What is 'love'? Isn't it that sense of natural attraction? I think he's talking about something different. LOVE can not be 'commanded'. Empathy, now that's something different. If someone hurts their toe, we can have some sense of what it feels like for we remember times in which we've hurt our toe. To develop understanding, one needs to develop empathy. But empathy is not 'love'. Empathy is a way to understanding the objective universe. But it begins first with understanding our subjective universe. If, say in the example of the person with the hurt toe, we cannot imagine how it felt when we hurt our toe, we can have no understanding of what that person might be experiencing. THAT understanding leads to compassion. But compassion is not 'love'. Compassion, however, does lead to ways of acting that might relieve the suffering of others.

With that said, I can't imagine the great devastion from the earthquake and tsunami that has claimed more than 25,000 dead, and which may claim that many more due to complications from the aftermath. Coastlines were swallowed all the way from Indonesia to Africa. "Images from around the region presented a tableau of unrelenting grief. Fathers and mothers wailed over drowned children." One third of the victims are children. It's hard to wrap my mind around that much death. I know what it is to lose my Mother, Laura, Gramma . . , and I try to multiply that by 25,000. But I am not good at math. I only can understand that this trajedy, one of the worst natural disasters in recent history, is really, really, Really awful.

Note of December 30, 2004:
CNN newsreports now say the death toll is at 118,000 after Indonesia reported 80,000 people were killed in that country alone.

December 30, 2004

"The Unknown"
11:58pm

The Unknown...

December 31, 2004

"Happy New Year, I Hope"
7:22am

When I felt the call of a mandala last night, I didn't know what I would get. As I played with the color selecter, none of the colors seemed right for the background. Then I clicked on black and it was the only color that felt right. Next, I played with the spray tool, and I drew a question mark. Why was this symbol calling to me? But it did. There's something in that mandala saying the Unknown can be scary. It can be exciting, but it can be scary.

What does the new year hold for us? More senseless war and devastating natural tragedy? The Unknown can be scary. It's perhaps even sane to be a little wary.

I'd like to keep it there, at a little wary. Otherwise anxiety gets out of control. But if we don't acknowledge our fears, they eat at us in a hundred unseen ways. I want to get them out where I can keep an eye on them.

So what of the new fears? Was it a load of crappy Googling that brought forth the news story that a tsunami similar to the one in the South Asia disaster could hit our West Coast? I sure hope it was. What of the PBS special which spoke of how the earth's poles are in a process of shifting? As more and more anomalies occur, the earth's magnetic force field weakens and more of the sun's radiation gets through. The scientists who have studied this have fed lots of data into huge computers and apparently this shifting of the poles happens every 250,000 or so years. We're definitely due for a change. The process won't be immediate. Our children's children, however, will likely know the worst of it.

Scientists reassure us that any damage wouldn't be permanent. Animals and birds who use the earth's magnetic field to navigate will adjust to the new polarity. So, although "The picture that emerges may not be up to Hollywood disaster standards, but considering that human civilization has never had to cope with such a situation before, it could be an interesting and challenging time." Interesting and challenging? Let's hope we're up to the challenges.

January 1, 2005

"Whatever Mindfulness"
8:12am

I tell about the image above in my other journal. It is an amulet of protection, a fitting thing to begin the new year.

I have already written many paragraphs in my private journal, working myself from a state of wariness to joy regarding what I did accomplish in the year prior and ideas about how to create more positive change in 2005.

Yes, it is, as I'd said earlier in a post to the local pagan group:

Does it seem in looking back at meditations and workings I return to old themes, old issues, old thorns in the flesh? Ah, but it the path ever spiralling upwards and for each return to a theme, I find an increased ease of understanding and skill concerning it. I am at once the same as I was many years ago and yet very different for such increase. All the seeds of what I will become are contained within me now. Nuturing healthy self development, these seeds spring forth from the hidden depths to emerge into new growth and creativity. These are the joys, sometimes difficult, but always rewarding for those of us who awaken to our potential.

Old themes, old issues? Yes, of course, one of them is the Weighty Matter which prompted the beginning of this journal. If I look back to its beginning, there I am lamenting that I am 187lbs. Six years later, here I am lamenting that I am 193lbs. Although it is a five pound increase since six years ago, it is a five pound decrease since one year ago.

I renew my intention of mindfulness regarding reducing sugar consumption and increasing fruit and veggie consumption and add to it reducing saturated FAT consumption. Also, I add to this plan a desire for exercise, and I will look for opportunities to get out for walks more often.

This is one goal, one clear plan. I know that whatever mindfulness I give to it, will result in that amount of success. And that will be that much more success that I would have had without that mindfulness.

Those of us who awaken to our potential really DO have within us the power to make Change! And isn't this a much happier thing to contemplate than the gloom and doom? Challenges there are and will be, but as I posted to a favorite forum regarding new year's wishes, "May we rejoice in our ability to overcome what ever challenges present themselves and rejoice in our ability to have FUN!" Along with all the work related goals, let's not lose 'play'.

Let's Play!