Weighty Matters:
Diary of a Compleat Gourmand
Joan Lansberry
So enough blather. Herewith begins the:
Joan Lansberry
5:00am - mug of water
7:00am - large glass cranberry juice.
11:15am - small banana
My head is floating about in cottony emptyness. I should make a meal. No, I'm not aiming to be anorexic. It's just that I KNOW there's a 38-28-38 somewhere deep within this 45-35-45, somewhere.... Off to make a meal....11:40am - kippered herring sandwich. (wheat bread), glass of milk
Okay, the twenty minutes that it takes for the brain to get the nutrients that tell it its full aren't up yet, but I STILL feel so hungry. This isn't going to be easy. Not at all. . .afternoon - 2 mugs of waterOh well, nothing worthwhile ever is....
5:03 - serving corn, serving canned green beans with italian dressing, half sandwich of feta cheese on wheat bread and a glass of 7-up spiked with a capful of lime that I'm savoring like it was my last drink ever.
Maybe I'll get some understanding here. Maybe I won't hate thin people anymore. Well, HATE is a strong word. Definitely, I've been filled with envy and resentment towards them. Jealousy. In this thin-conscious society, including a family background of thin-conscious people, I've built up such a pile of resentment. The 'pile' began since reaching puberty and has grown into a veritable mountain. So I want to understand all of this. Maybe I can unload this mental garbage. No, it can't be as simple as "It will all go away once I obtain that 28 inch waist." It never would. Somehow I have to get rid of that envy even if I get to be 287, or 387 pounds. I've spent far too much energy on this.7:00 pm - four swallows of Julia's wine, two mugs water.It's so stupid, for clearly thin people do not, by virtue of being thin, have it all made. Their struggles may be merely just less visable to the naked eye and strangers on the street.
Maybe that's another reason why the web is so neat. Minds, freed of the limitations of the body, meet in a place where exchange is equal, no matter one's age, sex or body. There's something sacred about that.
I'll sip the remainder of my 7-up in a deeper peace. . .
9:00 pm -Going to bed slightly hungry. But am I really hungry? Is it just the appetite which makes me get fatter and fatter when I follow it?
This thin stretch marked skin pulled taut over the belly of my anger, just one pin prick and the whole thing explodes. I'm so close to bursting . . .7:00am - cup of tea Julia made, Nilgari with milk, honey and nutmeg - tasty!
7:10am - medium sized banana
. . . So just what am I so angry about? Am I angry because I want to eat every damn thing I feel like and not think about it? There's some of that, I'm sure. I want to eat three Dreyer's Sundae Ice Cream Cones in one sitting. I want to eat two huge bowls of Rocky Road Ice Cream. I want to eat what ever the hell I feel like! But, the evidence shows I can't do that and be slim, too. Hell, the evidence shows I can't do that and be even moderately overweight. I thought my weight would sort of level out at a certain point. But it hasn't. Life is just so damn unfair! Yes, I'm a self pitying ninny at times. In a poorer culture, people never are faced with such self-centered debates. They are lucky to get enough to eat to barely keep them alive. So, yes, I'm self indulgent. Yes, my inner-child appetite has been spoiled ROTTEN! Yes, I feel so sorry for myself at times. I'm just so damned good at that. And you know, the world doesn't care. The world just doesn't plain give a rat's ass. And it shouldn't. I'm not even asking it to care. This is my own head trip. And I don't expect any passengers. I just wish I could get over feeling like a hurt, wounded child because I can't have anything I'd like.10:02am - Both Laura and I felt like we were starving, so we shared a meal - I had two pieces of Groton's fish (with a dash of lemon,) a serving of mixed vegetables( with a pat of butter), and I'm still savoring my glass of cranberry juice.Like maybe, at 40, it's time to grow up.
Happy contentment! I'm purring inside like a kitty. All's right with the world, now.2:24 - I caught myself on route to the kitchen, and reminded myself, Oh, yeah, I'm not supposed to eat! Tonight we are having a big party at the Chinese Restaurant. Nothing but WATER until then. . .
How is this so easy for thin folk? Cynthia's Mother said she didn't eat anything until 3:00 yesterday. I'm more like that stupid dog we used to have. Buster was a reddish cocker spaniel mix. He'd been a vagabond dog and he learned vagabond ways. Whenever food was put before him, he'd eat it. Laura was demonstrating the phenomenal ability of this dog to chow down to Mother and Glen. She fed him first one heaping plateful of spaghetti. This would be a large portion for an adult human. He devoured it in a few minutes. Then Laura set another such plateful before him. Did this dog walk away, spurn the food? No-o-o! This dumb dog tried to eat the second mound of food. Even this was a bit much for the wonder dog. He puked his guts out.8:00pm - gathering at Lucky's. (I'll show and tell about this in A Tale Told With Time)Maybe I'm just like that dog. As long as I know there's food in the house, I want to eat it. My Mother says there's two kinds of people in the world, Those that eat to live, and those that live to eat. I'm clearly of the latter catagory. What am I going to do about it? Fortunately I have a wee bit more intelligence than that poor dog. And hopefully I can do something about it.
An odd serendipity. A favorite web site, http://www.interluderetreat.com/, has as their meditation for the week, Lightness of Being.The author speaks of how overstuffing ourselves is bad for the spirit as well as the body. In any case, this is going to require a discipline. I hope I have it. I hope I don't give up. It's SO easy to just be like that dog. Don't think, eat.3:51pmOne online journaller said he started a journal "because he was lonely". I understand that. My explorations in "Weighty Matters" may help me. All three of us are supposed to be losing weight. Julia's doctor is having her see a dietician. Laura's struggling. We're all in this together? Yes, . . .and . . . no. Granted, that we won't be seeing each other pig out is going to help each of keep our resolve. But there's another aspect about this that seems very lonely. Ultimately the struggle is within my own head. I feel the little voice telling me, EAT, EAT, Eat. . . It's all there inside my head, and I feel its call so strongly. The "No!" must come from deep down within me. It's that hypothamus, animal nature I'm fighting. It doesn't care that the people I love the most in the world are also struggling with this. All it wants is that sensation of fullness. And I can't give it that. And for some reason, that makes me feel lonely. It's NOT a rational feeling, to be sure. But there's these parts of life you cross the line by yourself. I have to decide within myself to do or not to do certain things. Right there, over at the other computer, sits Laura. She's going through the same inner battle, also. HER battle is also a lonely battle. Julia, at work, fighting the lure of the doughnuts, has a lonely battle, too. Maybe just recognising this helps.
(Laura and I shared an appetizer platter) I had:
one shrimp, wrapped in batter, one chicken wing, two fried wontons, one scrumptious egg roll(no one makes them as good as Lucky's does!
For the main entree, we split an order of chicken egg foo young. I normally get the pork egg foo young, but Laura won't eat pork. No big deal, it's the egg patties I like anyway. We each got one of the savory patties, covered with the meat and veggies with a small amount of rice.
Also, glass of 7-up, glass of iced tea
While my fork was plunging into the patty, one of our party group (there were fourteen of us!) said, "I'm glad I'm not on a diet!" I looked at my food momentarily with a tiny twinge of guilt. Then thought, "I'm NOT on a diet!" That's not what this is. This is not a regimen of almost literally starving myself, only to resume 'normal' eating habits when weight loss is achieved. That only results in a worse health problem. Doctors have discovered it's far worse to lose, gain, lose, gain, lose, and gain it all back plus, than it is to simply remain at a steady obese level. The "yo-yo" route puts the system through some terrible trips. No, WHAT THIS IS ABOUT IS THE PATH TOWARDS WISDOM! Thin people do not fear the restaurant like it's devil spawn. No, they find a way to balance these things in, so their weight stays constant. What sort of life would it be, if we can not join, and rejoice with friends and eat together? No, this is one of the joys of life, and I'll not deny myself that.
10:30pm - mug of water with ice (I was REALLY thirsty!)
11:00am - mug of 7-up
I'm all in a dither. Earlier, Laura had a bad morning. She drank too much last night and it hurt her heart. The angina subsided, then Laura couldn't find her wallet. We tore the house apart looking for it. She drove up to Florence to look in the Pontiac and see if it was there. She tried to recollect her memory after four beers and some brandy. She recalled handing her wallet and gift to James while she unlocked the car. He gave them back to her, and then she sat them on the car roof while she opened the door. The most likely scenario is she drove away, with wallet and the gift of tea sitting on top of the roof.12:45pm - We've done all we can with the lost credit card situation. I'm feeling some settled and hungry.What a panic, as I searched for all the information to report lost or stolen credit cards and handed each paper to Laura, reading numbers out loud that are tiny. Only now am I sitting down with a cool drink. I'm too stressed to eat.
But, in the past would I have eaten anyway? Right now, it seems wrong to, like the food would turn against me and be a poison. When my nerves settle, I'll eat.
1:00pm - one chicken patty, large baked yam, glass cranberry juice.
Am I full? I don't know. I'll wait until later, and if I still feel hungry, I'll make a piece of toast.1:30pm - On further recollection, I'm just pooped. It was a late night, and I didn't sleep in.
2:18pm - We forgot about the book of checks in the wallet. I was able to figure out what numbers in the sequence she had, from examing our cancelled checks. So I had them do a stop payment on the remaining numbers left in that book. Whew! I'm feeling woozy.
6: 05pm- Two pieces of toast with gooey peanut butter and apricot jelly, cranberry punch (half 7-up mixed with cranberry juice)
It was the tastiest thing I ever ate, it was heaven. The bite of the substantial toast combined with the ooze of the peanut butter and jelly, Oh, I LOVE food!9:10pm - two or three mugs of water. I'm THIRSTY!
Well, I don't know if I was a piggy or not today. Some of you might be thinking, she's eating Peanut Butter!!! But, trust me, this is MUCH less than I usually eat. I feel good, not overfull, just comfy.
7:14am - mug of water
As I was rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher this morning, I looked at the plates and bowls, still with evidence of yesterday's food. While I happily remembered the peanut butter toast, my eyes laid claim to a half of a can of peaches. Those golden orange half rounds promise delight later today.8:50am - Two peach halvesIt's so incredibly liberating to acknowledge just what a gourmand I am. Half my thoughts are the deep, sublime, important kind you see in the other journal, and the other half is devoted to my basic animal nature. Maybe by embracing this part of me, I can increase my enjoyment of food, while at the same time moderating my appetite.
After a healthy addition to the toilet, I weighed myself. 183! My, I'm so terribly self-obsessed, and I don't even care!
Peaches, glorious peaches! So cool, somewhat firm, yet yielding to my bite! The syrupy juice is so sweet, so good!9:45am - glass of milk - mmmmm, meow, kitten likes her milk, purr-r-r-r.
This recipe (scroll down to find it) for "Satay-Style Beef & Pasta" found at Cerebrations, one of my usual journals haunts, got my mouth watering. My imagination of what this marvelous combination must taste like teases me. "Food, Glorious Food!"11:50am - half a can of seasoned pinquito beans, chicken breast with barbecue sauce, glass of cranberry juiceIn another of her entries, Julie speaks dispairingly of how "Cookware in today's kitchens are sleek and shiny, metal and brushed aluminum, techy-looking." She wouldn't like my favorite set of dishware. We originally brought these stainless plates (aka pie plates) and mugs for the SCA Renaissance feasts. But they've become my favorites. I like the 'sleek and shiny' look of the things. I LOVE the durability of the things. They will not break. No matter how many times we drop them, they will absorb the damage with nary a scratch.
This cannot be said of the myriad of other plateware we've had in the nearly dozen years we've been together. A plate or cup is lucky if it lasts three years without ending up in the trash in several pieces. Are we unusually hard on them? Possibly. Julie's depression-era glassware would be endangered around us. I do cherish the things that have managed to survive. Throughout my lifetime, I've been gifted with three mugs personalized with my name. I love the one that has lasted. It's absorbed a lot of memories through the years.
A favorite material object becomes more to me than its physicality. Invisably bonded to it are all the memories I have associated with it. I think of how I'll be eating on these mighty steel plates (which are also wonderfully lightweight,), when I'm eighty, and remembering all the good meals I've eaten and shared with loved ones. That, I tell you, is priceless!
I can't help wondering what I could do with a chicken breast if I could really cook. Anyone can take a frozen chicken breast, nuke it for two minutes, cut it into small pieces and nuke it for another 2 or so minutes. Nevertheless, it was nutrious and belly filling. I'm content.Sorry, December 18th's bytes have been scattered to oblivion, as well as part of the 17th. I rather doubt the last thing I ate was at 11:50am. . .
The 19th is also lost. It's a mystery. The only thing I can think of is when I was working at the other computer, its file hadn't been updated yet.
Go Forward...
Go Back to Archives...
Go Back to Beginning Page...
Go to Index of Joan's pages...