Black - cold like death, didn't I just yesterday have that emotional reaction to a color? Just yesterday, when Shayna was still living. Just yesterday, before . . .

The day before, Shayna didn't go to her Spanish class. She'd been working so hard in that class. She was even learning the Printmaster program, so she illustrate a children's story about Mamacita Celestina and her six kittens. That was the final assignment of the class, to write and illustrate a children's story in Spanish. She had three pages already done of the Mama Cat who would educate her children. How Shayna loved cats.

She didn't go to her Spanish class yesterday because one of her cats had taken sick from eating flies which had been poisoned with bug spray. Eentsy was taken to the vet and given atropine, and spent the day mostly sleeping.

Today the cat got sicker, dehydrated. Shayna said the cat felt 'lightweight'. Around 5:00pm, Shayna talked to the vet, who advised the cat should be administered glucose solution. Shayna had some of such medical supplies when Shakti, another one of her cats, died earlier. The last we knew, she'd asked Laura where that bag of cat supplies was. Laura was certain she'd put it in the library.

That was the last we knew. We didn't hear another word from her. Laura and I were busy at the two computers, each in our respective Erathias, getting our heroes built up.

A couple of hours later, we wondered where Shayna had gone. She'd taken the white Pontiac and not told us where she was going. We called Serena, her Mother. No, she hadn't been by.

The three of us, Laura, Julia and I sat in the living room, trying to figure out where Shayna might have gone. It wasn't the first time she bolted all upset, without telling us where she was going. She could be extremely reactive. Yet Laura had done much to help her gain better control of her emotions and better self esteem.

Why didn't she tell us where she was going? We'd have comforted her over the kitty's illness. Laura was sitting in the sofa, aching to give her comfort. But she had just disappeared.

At 9:00 o'clock, Laura told Julia and I to go to bed, she'd nap on the sofa until Shayna got home. I no more than got in my nightgown and crawled in with Julia, when I heard sobs in the living room. "Come, Joan and Julia. Come and get up. I have bad news."

I stumbled out into the living room to see two policeman with Laura. There's been a bad accident. She had been going very fast. Her car hit the edge of the road where it'd been partially repaved, and landed on the lower unpaved portion. She lost control, which made the car flip over and hit a pole. One of them asked to see a picture. I fumbled my way to the computer, and brought up her best picture, the one at her graduation, when she'd been so happy. That's her. He asked me to print it out, and I apologized for only having a black and white printer.

They asked where her parents lived, and told us not to call Serena until they had a chance to deliver the news.

It all still seems so unreal.

 

I chose Building Out Of A Mystery for the title because it's similar to the title of one of Sarah McLaughlin's songs, Building A Mystery. Shayna loved that artist's music. She had rather specific music tastes, 'no singing children, no country and western', but what music she liked, she really liked.

We've been building out of a mystery what those last moments of her life were like.

Here's the police record and the short article, page 2A, of the Casa Grande DISPATCH, Thursday, December 9, 1999:

5:35pm - Peart and Kortsen roads, responded to one-vehicle rollover accident with one fatality, a 25-year-old woman who was pronounced dead at the scene. Her vehicle had rolled an unknown number of times and hit a telephone pole. Woman dies in rollover (from Staff Reports) A 25-year-old woman died Wednesday after she lost control of her vehicle on an unpaved road near the northeast ege of Casa Grande. Police said the vehicle rolled several times and hit a telephone pole. Shayna G. Gray, the driver, was pronounced dead at the scene. There was no address or city listed for the victim. The accident occurred at 5:33am on Peart Road between Cottonwood Lane and Kortsen Road. Police are seeking witnesses who are asked to call Sgt. Dennis Mercer or officers Brian Ramirez or Jeff Palmer.

 

So what were those last moments like? Laura said they did kiss each other maybe a half hour before she left. She did say to Laura in a calm, quiet voice, I'll be back, before she took off without giving her destination. She was not in any way distraught.

The location of the car gives hint. Shayna loved to use the dirt roads so she could go faster. Down from that dirt road, Peart road becomes paved. At its intersection with Florence Blvd is a Walgreen's drug store. She was in rescue-mode, on a mission to get hydrating supplies for Eentsy, the sick kitty, as none could be found here. While she'd neglected to take her purse, and her driver's license, her checkbook was not in the purse, and therefore with her. She was in a hurry. Perhaps as she took that road at eighty miles an hour, she thought the few minutes saved in travelling time would save the cat's life.

Laura said she always drove too close to the edge of the road. She'd tell her to go slower, be careful. She'd get a little huffy under admonishment. Then she'd comply. But there was no one with her to caution her. She was intent on saving that kitty.

In the hours waiting for her to come home, we'd wondered if she was upset at us because we weren't taking the kitty's illness seriously enough. Somehow it helps knowing she wasn't angry at us.

The policeman said she died instantly. The blood that flowed from her wounds was not congealed. If she had died later, the blood would have congealed. So she didn't suffer long. She perhaps had just enough time to realise what what happening.

Side note: Oh the cat was ailing, all right. It died later that evening.
 

Shayna had, in the section of the living room claimed as her personal space, this light she decorated with a hodge podge of odd items. Tiny little Christmas boxes, metal twirlies, a keychain, a couple of skeltons, a strand of beads and long iridescent streamers. She asked us what we thought of the latest addition, those streamers. Julia and Laura said they liked it. I didn't. "It's a . . . COLLECTION." was the best I could muster. Yup, I found it rather a childish assembly. It kind of amused Shayna that I didn't like it.

It's strange. After I took the skeltons off, the streamers were pretty. Shayna had a habit of finding beauty in odd places. Oh, how she loved nature. Before she met us, she'd led a rather insular life and not been many places. When we took her to the arboretum, how she loved the roses. She often went on nature hikes around the campus where her classes were. With great enthusiasm, she'd show us all the seeds she'd collected. She wanted to plant them all, in our small yard. Right now, the front yard is full of trees and bushes she planted.

This little 'guy' wouldn't have been here if not for Shayna.

Her joys, they were intense. The sadness and the anger, they too were equally intense. But no one laughed as much as her. How she loved The Simpsons. Every weekday, 6:30pm, that show was on. She never missed it. Sunday, she watched the new edition, King of the Hill and Futurama. It's no doubt, the house is going to be a lot quieter, now that she's gone.

The world itself is a little darker, now that the light that was Shayna's is out. But as long as she's remembered, she can't ever really die. She won't be forgotten.

One of her happiest times was the day she got her GED diploma. She was at the top of her class, and gave the speech. She tells of the struggles she went through in that speech. See, the words live. She will not die.

I learned much from her. Some of it, like learning to share and not being jealous, wasn't easy. She and I were in a running competition for attention from Laura. Had I known her time would be so short, I wouldn't have begrudged her those hours. I certainly don't now. Perhaps some of the epiphanies I've had would have never happened if I'd never met her. The thing that clicked in my brain wouldn't have stirred.

And SHE grew a lot. Laura had a way of reaching her that no one else before in her life could do. She saw Shayna's potential and encouraged her to blossom. One day in June, both Shayna and I came to new realizations about ourselves. She learned to love and forgive herself. I learned to bring all of myself to another in sexual union. We learned from each other.

Shayna bought this little norfolk pine. She was so excited when she told us about it. She'd seen these trees at the Albertson's back in November, but she had no money. She hoped there'd be one, come a new influx of money. That day came, and exactly one tree remained. HER tree!, she exclaimed. Touch it!, she implored us. See how soft its branches are! I gave it a cursory feel, agreed it was soft, but mostly was amused at its scrawniness. Leave it to Shayna to find it beautiful . . .

It wasn't until she was gone that I went over to this humble tree, and felt its branches. SOFT, yes, and right now I'm crying again.

Oh, I've written before of how the 'grim reaper' comes often unexpected. Truly, we can never know. So, as the tears fall, I am grateful for the time I did know Shayna.