December 4, 2004 A

"A Bit Of Beautiful Newness"
10:00am

Our ring collection has been enriched:

The one on the left in the picture above is an old one Julia had fixed. However, the emerald is a new addition and it looks lovely on Julia's hand.

I also have a new peridot ring and a new jade ring. I'd enjoyed my old jade ring for many years, until it broke. That old one was a gift from my Mother twenty! years ago. The new ones came from her collection, as well. My mother did have an eye for beautiful things.

I am glad, also, to have such enjoyment.

new earrings, too!

December 4, 2004 B

"Glamour From Days Gone By"
11:53am

Dan and Cathy's wedding in 1978

My mother was so pretty in this picture:

This is how I shall remember her.

December 5, 2004

"Alert To The End"
11:22am

When I was putting away the luggage, I found this most recent picture of Mom that Dan gave to me:

Her fascination with flight is illustrated as behind her is a photo of a plane in flight and two plastic models of planes. On one I can make out the brand TWA, and I believe the one in the photo is of that type. (Or does that more accurately refer to the airline and not the type of plane?)

Anyway, she has a bright and alert expression, and that is a joy. She had full mental capacity until the day of her passing and she didn't suffer long.

December 9, 2004

"Farewell"
9:29pm

Farewell...

So many gone...

Gloria Mae Horschler - 2004
Richard Morrison - 2002
Laura Darlene Lansberry - 2002
Glen Billings - 2000
Shayna Gertrude Gray - 1999
Esther Horschler - 1998
Russell Earl Horschler - 1993
Alfred Horschler - 1969

Am I the 'speaker for the dead'? Shall I give their passing a good remembrance? I stand on the sandy shore and wave goodbye. These and many others are all missed.

December 12, 2004

"Bah Humbug!"
5:13am

Eww, my back hurts. I arise with dry throat and sticky eyes, too. I ate all kinds of 'unhealthy' food at last night's Mensa gathering for games that I don't usually eat, chocolate and what not. Whew, did I ever get a sugar rush! Three little pieces of Ghiradelli chocolate, and what a rush! The tiny bit of cocoa in Nutella doesn't even compare. Then I crashed and nearly fell asleep. I could not keep my head up. I tire so easily these days.

And NO! I am not in a mood for the annual Christmas brunch. Normally, I like such a thing. Charlotte's house is so nice, the scenery so nice and I like the fellowship. But Christmas, bah, humbug! I did get a few cards out, but have selected no gifts. All were cheap and cheesy or 'too much' and maybe like trying to impress too much. Or maybe I didn't like the prices. I dunno. That was just one store.

I flaked major after that yesterday afternoon. I came home in such a depressed funk, I got a taste of what Mom lived with on a daily basis. I just didn't want to move. Yet I knew only with action would come relief. After much flakiness, I fixed the Illuminaria picture to stay up (better stabilizer under the bottom), and took a much needed bath. Scrubbing all the dead skin off seemed therapeutic in other ways, too. After the bath, in addition to feeling nice and clean, I was no longer depressed.

Truly, the full regard of self is the only way to happiness. Half way measures, such as that which some RHP religions offer, only lead to half way happiness.

I am amused to read in Crowley's 'Book of the Law' where Nuit tells him, "Ye shall wear rich jewels, ye shall exceed the nations of the earth in splendour and pride." Yes, I adore all that 'purple' 'voluptuousness'. Heh heh, she also declares "My prophet is a fool...", which made me laugh. I guess she did the best she could with the vessel she had! May I do better!

I found some entirely cool SET pictures on the web. (Scroll down to the bottom for 'The Gift'.) I told the lady at Set Sightings about them, as they really capture SET's power. Enough of those fluffy cartoons! More of the power and majesty!

But whoa, I did NOT download the pics into my computer, for the artist warned against it. She'd done something to the pics, which made them 'traceable'. Not wanting to incure the artist's wrath, I wrote and asked permission. It's a fair thing, she wants to know who her viewers are, who likes her images enough to want to do so. I also wonder about who my audience is. However I don't mind downloading. I want you readers to download all you want, the more the better, just so you Don't forget who did them! and claim them as your own. My pictures want to live in your computers! They want to spread and multiply and . .  .

. . . and make little picture babies and . . . Ahh, such fun and mayhem! I happily await my next picture creation. Maybe I shall try my hand at a Dragon pic. Maybe I will even do another tarot card! This is such a pleasing thing to think about in contrast to that depressing stuff.

Christmas? Bah humbug!

December 13, 2004

"Meditations On A Candle Flame"
8:59pm

This quote at "The Old Grey Poet" got me to thinking:

"Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other." - Carl Jung—

Later, I thought of it when gazing into a candle flame:

The flame is in the candle, and the flame is in me. Candle flame like a tree, wick for a trunk. The flame is in the candle, and the flame is in me. The flame also like a tender bud, aching with sweet heat. The flame is in the candle, and the flame is in me. And then with a blink, it becomes again a burning bush. The flame is in the candle, and the flame is in me. Am I the flame of love, and shadow of the power, or am I the flame of power, and love in the shadow? Does it flicker back and forth, with a breeze of my breath? I am a flexible tree. Yes, deeply rooted, but that is not all I am, for I am also the changing wind. I am so many things. The flame is in the candle, and the flame is in me. JAL, 12-13-04 revised 12-24-04

December 16, 2004

"At A Low Ebb"
4:31am

I don't feel so good. Sticky eyes, scratchy throat. Julia's really laid low. I'll probably get through the work week, but I fear my weekend will be hosed. Poor Julia, she's coughing. She's aching. She can't swallow. She'll be calling in sick this morning.

I will plug through the day as best I can. If I had any idea that we were seriously courting bugs, would I have spent last night any differently? I did not study, I did not work on any needful task, but only that which made me laugh. Would I have spent last night any differently? No! It was all I could do, a perfect stress buster to give joy.

(I spent the evening creating a perfectly WICKED cartoon.) Did you follow the link? I warned you, it is wicked!

Take care, all of you! Stay well. If you ain't well, get well soon.

December 17, 2004

"Rest Will Be Healing"
7:33pm

I got through the work week. I had a very productive day yesterday, the results of which please me, and now the weekend awaits. Julia felt much better today, so the bug seems to have a short run. We decided to start the weekend right, and went to Red Lobster. Julia had two different big bowls of soup, to be easy on her throat, while I chose the fish and chips. The batter on the fish was tasty, made with beer.

I will go to bed early, as I feel quite under the bug's influence. Rest will be so healing.

December 18, 2004

"Will I Know?"
11:33pm

Just over three weeks since my mother died, and I have these thoughts:

The morning's light comes through the window, yet I feel heavy. It is because of the call uncallable, "This number has been disconnected." I cannot reach my mother any longer on the physical plane. But can I in the spirit plane?

Do you know, Mother? Are you there to know? Do you know, I still love you? Time and its erosions did not take that away. Do you know? *   *   * All lost, the crimson tide and its beating heart, now you are no more on this fleshy plane. But, oh, what still remains? I address that which remains. Do you remember, Mother? Did the thin limbs of your soul take flight? Did you leave the cares of this life behind? Did you take with you our love? Can you send a sign? Will I know it when you do? *   *   * And then the face of another smiles at me in pictures on the wall - Laura, dear, gone so long - I miss you today, as well. You sought to seal with me your love past death through many messages you gave me. You didn't want me to forget, and I haven't. Can I send that to your soaring soul? Will you take that with you, the knowledge that I haven't forgotten your love? In the remembrance, it still lives. Have you taken this with you? Can you send me a sign? Will I know if you do? beyond the screen...

December 19, 2004 A

"Going To New Zealand"
2:27am

Such a nightmare! I have a whole new type of nightmare now. There's still the 'can't get ready in time for school' nightmare, and the 'can't find the class' nightmare and the 'missed the bus' nightmare, now there's the 'missed the airplane' nightmare.

In this dream, I am at the airport buying tickets. This part goes smoothly . (See, I didn't use Travelocity, heh!) I am going to New Zealand. Why New Zealand? Hardly nobody lives there. Julia said there's more sheep there than people. Anyway, in this dream I am going to New Zealand. I am going to meet up with my mother and father and we're going to go to New Zealand.

I spent time in the airport trying to exchange a bunch of US twenties for New Zealand money. The tall, heavy guy with pale hair at the exchange shop says "Well, we don't have much of THAT type of money. If you were going to Australia, now everyone goes there, and we have lots of that type..." I tuck the few pieces in my wallet, looking at the old quarters and some exotic looking multi colored paper money, and decide to look at the plane tickets to see when the plane boards.

(Yeah, I'm just NOW looking at this?) Well, it says that plane is leaving 1:22pm at gate 0 and it's now 1:15pm. I have no idea where gate 0 is and I try to get someone to tell me. The older Japanese lady is not amused with me. It seems my frantic screaming did not impress her at all. She declares, "Well, you might still make that plane, there's been some delay. However, you were rude to me, you forgot your manners, and now I'm not going to tell you where that gate is! You're on your own!"

Huh? Can't she see I'm desparate? I didn't mean to be rude! So I try my best to find 'gate 0' and notice an EXIT sign. Maybe that's where 'gate 0' is. So I climb the stairs, lugging the heavy luggage, and walk out the door to find a scene that doesn't look very much like an airport at all. It is just a parking lot filled with cars at night. The sky is dark. (Yeah, time goes fast in a dream, the plane was leaving at 1:22pm.) Two young dark haired security men are amused with my frantic behaviour. They both smile as one tells me with a slight Mexican accent, "Oh, yeah, you missed that plane, lady, long time ago." They think I've lost it.

The cold night air hits me, I am stunned...

...and then I wake up.

Full with the horror of that dream upon me. I spent all that money on tickets and missed the plane. I'm so mad at myself. I don't know what to do...

...and then I re-assemble the dream pieces. I was going to New Zealand with my mother and father? But they've both passed on! I was never meant to join them on that flight anyway!