November 24, 2002 - A

"A Simple Gift"

Answering Serena's recent email, I confessed to more weepies over Laura. She, after telling me she'd made her last visit to Richard's apartment, having turned the keys in to the landlord, made this comment:

''Now he, Laura and Shayna can have all the time they want, they never really had that here!!!'' I cried, as I thought of them visiting in the after-life.

But Laura would be proud of me, I know. She would be glad Julia and I got out early to see the magnificent hot air balloon festival yesterday. As I stood before her photos yesterday, I could FEEL her spirit being glad for me. And I cried.

And this morning, after I sent up the SECOND chapter to my vampire story, as I called up our home page and beheld Laura's smiling face in that picture at the pages top, I FELT her spirit tell me, ''I'm so proud of you, and what you're accomplishing. You WILL make it 'big' some day. You just remember when that time comes, who believed in you all along, when even YOU didn't believe in you. You remember me!'' And I cried, ''Yes, Laura, I WILL remember you, I will!''

Tearing streaming, I cry now. ''Yes, Laura, I will remember you, each and every moment of my life. How you would have enjoyed the sight of those amazing balloons, all thirty of them ascending into the heavens. Yet how glad you are that I got to enjoy them. I know. And I know you're thrilled as I explore the depths of what I can do with my writing skills, turning fantasy into a reality of its own. I can feel your thrill. I can feel you! Damn it! I may wish your flesh and blood arms were here, and your flesh and blood lips, but I can FEEL your spirit! I do! I don't know how, but I do. I love you, Laura! I love you. Death can't take that away, not even MY death. I love you!''

With that, my typing and crying slows, and I pause for gratitude of this simple gift.

 

November 24, 2002 - B

"Eager To Learn"

Evening has now come to the house. I am bathed, and my hair is clean for the beginning of the work week tomorrow. We've had a happy day today, as well. Julia and I made it barely in time for the 11:15am showing of Harry Potter and the Chamber Of Secrets. Our fancy cappucino drinks had to wait until after the movie. It was a most satisfying movie, on par with the first one.

An excellent choice of actor was made for Malfoy's Father. With his long pale blond hair and skin, he looked as though he could be the child actor's REAL father. I even combed the web, but young Tom Felton does not seem to be related to Jason Isaacs. However one sad thing clouded the movie. Knowing Richard Harris, who played Professor Dumbledore, was suffering from Hodgkins Disease, a form of cancer, I could see he did not feel well. The seventy-two year-old actor died on October 28th of this year.

I could think only of one thing. Julia has always identified with the brainy Hermione Granger, I've always identified with Harry Potter, just learning about his powers, and Laura 'chose the seasoned magician Dumbledore'. Both Laura and Dumbledore are no longer with us. But we have Laura's 'spirit', and they will find a new actor to play the rest of the Harry Potter series.

And afterwards, as I was sipping my creamy chocolatey coffee rich drink, all I could think of was returning to my OWN adventure. I told Julia, ''Writing a novel is like watching a movie unfold in your mind. You merely write as you 'watch', eager to learn what will happen next.''

I thought I'd relax with Anne Rice's Marius this evening, but as he started his tale, I put the book down. I didn't want to listen to HIS tale, I wanted to find out what was in store for MY Michael! And I did! Chapter three is now complete. His father has died, and he wonders what the future holds for he and his mother.

 

November 25, 2002

"Awakening?"

Monday it is, and I'll do my best to not let it be a draggy day of let-down, like LAST Monday was! I feel fairly awake, so this is a good sign.

While I'm at work, I'll ponder possibilites for my new vampire story. In it, I'm attempting to show how vampires turn evil. They don't learn how to handle the very powerful emotions they are capable of once they are turned, and are swallowed up by them. Michael finds himself driven to act upon ferocious anger and inappropriate lust, for instance. His kind mother gives him good advice:

'' 'You MUST learn! Managing one's emotions is like riding a tiger. You used to have a tame tiger, and now you've been given a huge and wild tiger. The tiger needs taming!' Martha wisely advised. 'How do I do that? How do I learn?' Michael begged.

'How is an animal tamed? At first you must respect the power of the beast. You must know what it can do. From there, you can work on gaining the animal's trust. Yes, you have to trust yourself. You have to believe you can do this thing. At first your successes will be small, but they will grow. I love you, Michael. I believe in you.' ''

Yet, not all of his changes are unpleasant:

''Not all of his new emotions were frightening. He felt a most luxurious sensuality, too. It was to this he submitted completely. He submitted and would never fight it for a harsh asceticism. No, he would enjoy his new keen senses, and what each of them brought him. From this decision came a deep peace and he soon drifted off to sleep, where he dreamt of angels . . .''

I was wandering my usual webstops this morning, when one of them had a pleasantly surprising poem which relates to Michael's epiphany:

Follow your nature and accord with the Tao; Saunter along and stop worrying. If your thoughts are tied you spoil what is genuine. Don't be antagonistic to the world of the senses, For when you are not antagonistic to it, It turns out to be the same as complete Awakening. The wise person does not strive; The ignorant man ties himself up.... If you work on your mind with your mind, How can you avoid an immense confusion? ~Hsin-Hsin Ming

 

November 26, 2002 A

"Easily Amused"

I got an e-mail from someone in Australia (.au is Australia, right?) which read as follows:

''I honestly do not believe thou is a vampire. If thou is lying do not answer this email, if u r telling the truth plz reply.''

Their attempt at trying to sound 'ancient' failed by the unconscious inclusion of modern abbreviations. It amused me, none the less. I amuse easily these days.

Another thing amused me recently. A URL was going around on one of my e-mail lists, which gave me a chuckle. You plug your name into this 'vampire name generator', and it gives you your possibly sordid history.

Here's what it said:

The Great Archives determine you to have gone by the identity:

Giselle d'Angoulême

Known in some parts of the world as:

Kiku of The Steely Moon

The Great Archives Record:

A child of the Moon Goddess - Cold, determined, but of the light in the night.

I like that it rendered me as one of the 'good' vamps. Now for the part that made me chuckle. It gave me the name Giselle. If you've been reading about my sweet 'Michael', you'll know the woman that 'made' him is named 'Giselle'. I am the one who REALLY 'made' Michael, so it fits.

I am blessed to be so easily amused.

 

November 26, 2002 B

"Small Treats: Easily Amused II"

Surfing, I was, at an online catalog of lovely clothes for those women with um, fuller dimensions, and I sat, gazing upon a lovely skirt with a 'sailor-front' opening. Quite in awe I was of the unobtainable, for it cost 79 dollars! We don't have 79 dollars for such frivolities. Now, I admit, I did recently plop down 95 bucks for some new shoes, but for good SHOES, such a large expenditure seems worthwhile. I cannot MAKE myself a pair of shoes, but I CAN, if I take the time, make a serviceable skirt for the cost of two yards of fabric, roughly five to ten bucks, depending on how expensive the fabric is. So I chaff at such horrid prices and refuse to squander the money.

But, as I've said already, I cannot make myself shoes, so I did make that investment. Still, if I were to win the lottery, which has almost the same chance as the winning ticket just flying into my hand on a breezy day, this is what I'd do with the money. I'd grab Julia, and we'd start at one end of Yuma, and work to the other, wherever generously sized clothes are sold, and we'd have everything that pleases us.

Still, for now, I dream. Yet, I've had some small treats today. A customer who liked the way I hemmed her pants gave me a dollar! I'm on the way to wealth already!

Later this evening, we stopped at Smart and Final and loaded up a cart. We got some treats there, we did. Among the various cheeses, chicken breasts and sundry essentials, we got a huge jar (4 lbs, 6 oz!) of Greek Kalamata Olives. This is a treat which will keep on giving for awhile.

And I gave into temptation! For $6.79 (plus tax), I have a new stainless steel mug! Oh, these mugs are all called 'frothing pitchers'. They're what the baristas at the coffee shops use to make your tasty expresso drinks. But they serve well as cups. I should know, for I've been using them for years. This NEW one, however, is bigger and better than the others, well, chiefly because it's BIGGER! It, for instance, will hold a far greater amount of those lovely frothy drinks Julia makes us.

BIGGER!

I'm getting quite a collection of these. The last one I bought in June of the year 2000 has been documented, as well. On that day, all three of us got new mugs. Sadly, Laura's mug never even made it to Yuma, and Julia's glass mug shattered in the microwave a couple of months ago.

But my shiny mug from back then is still serving me well.

When it was new - not as big, but still SHINY!

Maybe the handle has lost some of its gold luster, but it's just as shiny and serviceable as ever.

I'm indeed pleased to be able to take pleasure in small treats as these.

 

November 27, 2002 A

"Matter Of Focus"

As if the webeditor had read my entries yesterday, ((or more likely because he found himself 'influenced by the same stars', or 'drinking the same collective mind soup', or MAYBE he read my entries?), I found the following thought this morning:

When we focus on abundance, our life feels abundant; when we focus on lack, our life feels lacking. It is purely a matter of focus.

Susan Jeffers

 

November 28, 2002 - A

"Grateful"

"Happy Thanksgiving"

And so another holiday is marked on the calender. It was one year ago that Laura and I visited Yuma and decided to move here. Divisions of time have such neat edges at times. Grateful, I am, for the fates that began their influental changes on us then.

Grateful for friends, grateful for the curious mind which always finds a way to entertain itself, grateful for Julia, my faithful companion, grateful for the life which surges in my veins, this is a good day to declare it.

I do not know what tomorrow brings. All through my pages, you can see me, ever clawing at the future, curiousity brimming over. But I wait for what will unfold.

Meanwhile, today, the morning was spent in happy pursuit of an envisioned Metroon page. Julia had written some lovely words about Mary, the Mother Of God, on an email list of ours, and I knew then our Goddess pages were lacking. I am happy this lack has been remedied.

This afternoon, I feel a peace, and that is another thing to be grateful for. Peace, to all of you who cross these pages, and may the warmth of love soothe your hearts.

 

November 29, 2002

"Rainbow!"

It rarely rains in Yuma. Maybe it's rained five times since we moved here. Rain brings people running from office buildings to view the miraculous sight. Small wonder, then, that a rainbow should be even more of a miraculous sight.

Something told me to bring the camera when we left for Julia's nail appointment. I was glad I did. I ran into the nail shop shouting, ''There's a RAINBOW!'' From there, I ran into the other shops and told the people there. I didn't want this miracle to go by unnoticed!

And so, dear readers, you can't expect me to NOT show you! You may have seen more impressive rainbows and taken more impressive photos of them, in your lands of the many rains. But, here in the desert, ANY rainbow is an extra special blessing.

I had this little message from my 'inner muse' this morning:

From love is born a great gift, From love is borne a great gift.

 

December 1, 2002

"World Aids Day"

Today was the 14th annual observance of World AIDS Day, and Yuma had their vigil for it at Smucker Park, where Julia, Laura and I used to walk often. A good sized crowd came. It was a very nice program. David Rennick, a minister, spoke of compassion and bringing together people, fighting that which divides people. The theme for this year is ''Are You HIV Prejudiced?'' He came up with a new set of words for the acronym HIV: Humanity I Value. Then he sang an original song and accompanied himself on the guitar. His able, strong voice carried far.

The guest speaker was Andy Chaulk, a student of the school which borders the west side of the park. He spoke of speaking out against prejudice, that if you don't do something to counter it, you are almost as bad as the ones causing it, because you're doing nothing to help it.

Then next, there was a balloon release. We each had a white balloon with the Yuma County AIDS Network logo on it, and a red piece of paper attached to it. On one of ours, I wrote the names of those we know who have died from AIDS: 'Silver Owl' (a pagan friend of ours in Tucson), Steve Dietz (the minister who married Laura and I), and the thin red haired boy who sang in the Holy Covenant MCC choir with me. On the other, I wrote: in memory of all the artists and musicians who have died from AIDS. On the signal, we all let them loose, and they journeyed like a big school of flying fish together up high into the sky. Only a couple were 'loners' that didn't travel with the rest.

The candlelight vigil and walk were next. We each were given a white candle, nicely surrounded by a clear plastic cup to catch the drips, and we walked around the park path a little. Having the memories of Laura walking with us on that path earlier, it was easy to feel her spirit with us today.

The program ended with the cutest group of kids called the Junior String Ambassadors, all dressed in white tuxedo shirts, black pants and cummerbunds. Each had a violin of varying size. They had a nice set of songs, some of them Christmas songs. I won't forget the slender brown haired smiling girl in the center. Her smile was a delight. Their mothers came up close at intervals, with mostly digital cameras, to take their pictures. The young violinists were delightful.

But mostly, we have left with somber hearts. Not enough is being done to combat this disease. Worldwide, by the end of 2001, an estimated 40 million people were living with HIV. Five million new infections are predicted by the end of 2002. In the United States alone, 15,000 people died of it last year. Fifty percent of those with HIV now are women. Entire third world countries in Africa are being decimated by it, and not enough is being done.

And all of that just makes me sad.

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