November 22, 2001
"Indulging The Appetite"
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INNER PEACE I think I've found inner peace. My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started.
Today I finished: I feel better already. |
I had to laugh because that's so true of me. Minus the Jack Daniel's part. The whiskey of choice around this house is 'Southern Comfort', but either brand tastes nasty to me, and even if it didn't , causes sinus headaches the next day. (I remember all too well a certain Halloween celebration and its aftermath.)
I can claim no 'virtue' in that department, as that takes no great will power. I can't claim any virtue in the eating department either, for I've been on the 'see-food' diet, you see. I see food and I eat it. I don't even have to see it, I just have to know it's there. Do you know how hard it is for me right now not to plunge into that pumpkin pie we've got waiting for our Thanksgiving dinner? It's hard.
And you can't imagine what it's like working in a store full of food. Snickers ice cream bars call to me from the freezer clear in the back of the store. If I don't heed their small voice, it's because the voice of the Klondike 'Big Bear' ice cream bar is shouting louder.
I hear their voices and I obey. I didn't really need today's horoscope warning, ''Also, it's time to reform and improve your diet,'' for I ventured bravely onto the scales the other day. I would guess that its been about 30 pounds of temptation worth since I began working at the food emporium.
Seriously, I must try to do better. This is not the five pounds a thin person worries about, a tiny tiny bit of paunch. I'm tempted to, but I shouldn't mock their endeavors, for it's how they stay thin. I wouldn't be 190 pounds right now, if I had had any restraint at all.
So it's a strange thing, on the one day all Americans pig out, that I'm considering my diet. It's not the appetite that's so bad, it's what 'feeds' that appetite.
In another section of today's horoscope, I'm advised to ''Indulge your appetite for greatness.'' I shall ponder how best to do that.
November 23, 2001
"Thoughtful"
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Before the first step is taken the goal is reached. Before the tongue is moved the speech is finished. More than brilliant intuition is needed, to find the origin of the right road. - Mu-mon 1228
Nothing has any power over me other than that which I give it through my conscious thoughts.
Anthony Robbins
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So I'm endeavoring to find the 'right road' concerning my diet. Yesterday I enjoyed a wide variety of Thanksgiving goodies, and for me, I was surprisingly moderate. I am learning again the virtues of cool, clear water. Nothing satisfies the thirst like water, anyhow.
Surprisingly, even after a piece of pumpkin pie with ice cream, and mugs of eggnog, those candy and ice cream demons STILL called out to me last night at work. I shall learn not to heed their calls. I will not give them that power.
And so, on this afternoon break in my sleep (for the night shift), I had only a small cup of eggnog, and then washed it out, filling it with water. (You can see here, there is no worry of me developing anorexia, hah!) In the past, however, I would have filled that cup three times with eggnog.
So I am learning new habits. And what of the non-gustatory intentions of this past holiday? Have I given any thought to those matters? Pardon, yet another of those studied quotes:
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It is gratefulness which makes the soul great.
Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel |
Indeed, the grateful soul is a happy soul. I am, of course, grateful for the love of Laura and Julia. I'm grateful I'm in a nice good free country, and not in some horrid place like Afghanistan or Siberia. I'm grateful for daily wisdom learned, and a mind flexible enough to change. I'm grateful for the web, and the delightful interchanges gained therein. I'm grateful for good music. Last night, I sang while I worked to some fine tunes. I'm glad I can sing. I'm glad I'm free to sing.
I hope YOU are, wherever you are. Though most likely, if you are reading this, and you're not afraid the thought police will come down on you at any minute and pull the plug to your computer, YOU, too, are in a nice good free country.
Let's take a moment to pause and take a deep breath. Then take another deep breath. Carpe Diem! Seize this day!
November 25, 2001
"Sheer Cussed Willpower"
But, oh, do I know the meaning of the 'one day at a time' concept. I'm gonna stick with it, though. Back in April of 2000, when I thought I was ready for the glue factory, I had enough determination to get off the sugar. It was the only time I've ever lost weight easily. I wasn't exactly 'fighting weight' thin, but in September of 2000, I looked about like this:
not bad
With a regular head and arms and legs, of course!
Well, I'll not continue any longer today on this subject, but I do need to drive it into my mind. So pardon me, and we'll get onto other subjects.
Laura took her Mother to see Harry Potter the other day, and had a remarkably different experience than the one the three of us had. They went to the local theater here, which we almost never visit. Ah, but Laura was reminded of why we almost never visit. At the entrance to the none too impressive theater, there were two women with placards, protesting Harry Potter! What kind of Muggle (non magical person) would do that? Fundies, of course.
Laura had a bit of a conversation with them, inadvertantly. She told her Mother ''The thing that pisses them off is they don't like somebody else's myth being presented instead of their myth.'' One of the protesters overheard, and said that wasn't true, they were 'against the deception'. Laura, ever forthright, told her 'Then you should get out of your religion, lady.'
Well, these people DO make of themselves a public nuisance, and if they put their opinions so loudly forth, they can only expect some will object.
What kind of 'deception' could they possibly mean? Everyone knows it is a fantasy world, and that in real life, we can't just wave a wand and make things happen, or fly on a broom. REAL 'magic' is something quite different. Silly Muggles!
If Laura COULD have waved a wand, she'd have waved a wand on the equipment the theater had. They were working on the sound right up unto the movie started. They blasted the audience's eardrums for fifteen minutes, with loud bleatings. By the time the show began, everyone's nerves were well on edge. The sound STILL wasn't quite right, and not only that, the picture was too dark. It wasn't ANYTHING like the delightful outing we'd had at Ray Rd.
When I heard their misadventures, I was quite glad I'd decided not to see the movie a second time. I'll wait for the DVD, which we'll own, of course.
So much for life in a small town. A theater like that would never last in a bigger city. But when you're the only game in town, you can have your own rules and standards, I guess.
The next movie we await is Lord Of The Rings. That should be quite exciting, as well, providing you don't get the Pauper Of The Rings version.
November 26, 2001
"Such A Record"
Before I found out when the 'Menace' was made, the three of us had quite a bit of debate about when we'd seen it. We'd gone to the big theater, we did remember that, but Julia insisted it was as recently as March or May of the year 2000. Insisted, she did. She was certain it was just before her neck and arm went all wonky. I thought it was further back in time. Laura wasn't sure, and kept out of this debate.
I did remember mentioning Jar Jar Bink's long floppy ears in this here journal, though, and a solution to our debate was easily found. I scanned all through the first half of the 2000 entries, and found no such reference. Could I have missed it? Laura got me to use the 'find' command. Finally, I reclaimed the seat at the computer, and went to the 1999 archives, which are listed a bit strangely. That 'find' command was helpful. For there it was, on June 14th of the year 1999, that we'd seen Phantom Menace.
It's just ONE of the advantages of journalling, that poor remembrances can be set straight. Things too easily get obscured with the passing of years (and it need not be MANY years), yet such a record, frozen in the heat of action, stands there as a testament to what REALLY happened.
If you can stand reruns, here's a poem that appeared earlier:
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Not all lost, the fevering hope.
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November 27, 2001
"It Ain't No More"
I have complaints today, though, about another matter. I've mentioned before, the huge, nasty stinky polluter Casa Grande has acquired this year. After Laura and I dropped Julia off at work, we drove near the big stinky polluter, and found they are really spewing the garbage out today. The air reeks, and our eyes itch. It's really bothering Laura, with her emphysema damaged lungs, however.
the artist's sketch
the reality:
Up to 3, 697 tons of pollutants PER DAY!
''Just steam,'' Julia said. I don't think so.
What's really bad is that Casa Grande is slated to get two more of these behemoths, one in 2004 and one in 2009. In the name of progress and profits, they've just put the death knell on this town. I'd be very surprised if we're still here by 2009. I can't even imagine how bad it will be then.
Would it have been better had we'd stayed in Tucson? But when we moved here in 1996, we had no idea this would happen. The air was wonderful here. It ain't no more.
I don't know what else to add to today's depressing entry. It seems there should be something more. I feel glum, looking out and seeing the rise of smoke like that. Maybe I'll just end it here. There might be cheerier news tomorrow.
November 28, 2001
"She Felt Fine!"
deco at a Yuma hotel
In Casa Grande, a slow three mile bike ride would result in gasping and wheezing. She felt about ready to pass out and would rush to use her 'puffers', the hand held spray medicines to open her lungs up.
Afterwards, she'd feel extremely fatigued. Laura looked haggard, even a bit gray, certainly without the 'rosy glow of health'. Depressing it was, to say the least.
We arrived in Yuma about 11:00am, in time to take a motel room. Room secured, we went off to explore the town. The clerk at a bike shop told us where a nice bike trail could be found. His instructions weren't the clearest, but after a bit of searching, Laura found the inlet into the trail.
It's a nicely paved trail that follows the canal lines, really almost scenic. I wasn't able to keep pace with Laura on the two and a half miles, for my knees did their usual complaining, but I got to see a good bit of the trail. It seems even nicer than the one in Tucson, featuring smoother and less steep passageways underneath the roads. Laura emerged energized, even smiling, and though out of breath, not frantically gasping.
It looked hopeful. By this time it was lunch, so we drove down the main road, looking for a restaurant. I'd never been to a Red Lobster, so we tried that.
A caesar salad, two cheddar rolls, mashed potatoes and sixteen large butterfly shrimp later, I was pleasantly full. Laura opted for teriyaki chicken, the sample bite of which I had tasted good. But when you're in a fish place, I figure you should eat fish.
And what did Laura want to do, after that big meal? Ordinarilly, just the process of digesting it would be enough for her.
NO! She wanted another bike ride!
Laura on the trail
While out the first time, Laura met a man running and she asked him about the length of the trail. It turns out, the man had moved to Yuma's better air, because of emphysema, and had no doubt he'd have died years ago without it.
At the end of the second bike trip, Laura also returned looking triumphant. After a brief period of coughing, she felt fine. No puffers, no nebulizers, just a brief period of coughing, and she felt fine!
The only question is, what are we going to do with this knowledge?
November 29, 2001 - A
"Whatever It Takes"
So there it stands, my firm resolve, and my stake of nerves. The resolve, of course, is stronger. The nerves will just have to jingle jangle like they do whenever change is on the horizon.
November 29, 2001 - B
"This New Book"
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did you think you could grab heaven by holding onto the past? What's new is new, and awaits you. Leave the past to the picture books. This will be a new book. It will have its own starry cover, and its pages to fill. So stop now, with the past. Here awaits your future. Hold now the heavy book, and smell its leaves, all waiting for you to fill.
I can put the past on the shelf, now,
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