October 26, 2003
"Tasks Done"
5:35pm
Julia hurt her back trying to move a chair and is going to sip some sherry now. My sinuses hurt, but the relief at having a sewing project done eases my pain somewhat. The only thing I haven't done is take a bath. The thought of nice warm water in which to soak is inviting, indeed. I'm going to sign off, and I send 'warm thoughts' to you all.
October 27, 2003
"A Few Things To Smile About"
5:55am
Julia's back still hurts. My sinuses still hurt. I woke up grumpy. But there are a few things which give me cause to smile. The Sacred Source catalog arrived this weekend, and both Julia and I had fun looking at it. We saw so many beautiful things we wanted to buy.
Julia saw a pewter pendant of Innanna, the wide-hipped Goddess, and I saw a brass statue of an Amazon riding a horse. I like the wild freedom implied there. It would be even better were it my inner 'Charlie' and 'Illuminaria' atop the flying dragon, but, hey, it's close.
Flight Of Imagination
But the one thing we both agreed strongly on was a Dionysus Satyr Maenad Plaque. ''This plaque shows Dionysus in procession with an aulos-playing Satyr and drumming Maenad,'' so describes the catalog. My 'Charlie energies' responded to the merriment expressed therein. And Julia is quite comfortable with it, as the Dionysian ''. . . mystery school was closely linked with that of Goddess Cybele, brought to Rome from Asia Minor. Both enjoyed flamboyant oriental priestesses and priests, clashing cymbals and blowing twisted reeds as they danced barefoot with ecstatic abandon.''
Anyway, a little 'ecstatic abandon' is good once in a while.
All of this made me have an amusing thought. Do ANTS have a concept of deity, and what would it be like, if they did. So last night, I made a cartoon:
 ''Oh Great Foot, pass us by, Mighty Foot'' 10 - 26 - 03
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October 29, 2003 A
"All Fear Is Real Fear"
6:17am (roughly)
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I will abandon all fear and terror. . . Now that I have reached this crucial point, I will not fear the peaceful and wrathful deities that arise from the nature of my very own mind." - Tibetan Book of the Dead |
Of course it is impossible to abandon fear until you acknowledge its presence. Our skeptical Laura would agree with this quote, that all our envisioning of deities come from our rich imagination which creates archetypes like a child dresses dolls, pulling this or that one out for play as the mood suits. The fertile imagination can be either a blessing or curse, depending on our constitution and ability to make use of it.
I am glad to find myself not haunted by demons, though I understand the torment of those who feel they are. One might say they are afraid of the illusionary. But all fear is real fear. Whether we fear the hidden corners of our own minds, or things outside of our selves, it matters not. The fear is real. What scares me most are things existing in the material world, hunger, poverty, the possibility of our nation being attacked, or ourselves and/or loved ones by the power-mad or nature out of control. Nature is out of control these days. The fires burn out of control near San Diego. This blaze of more than 200,000 acres may be the worst disaster this state, our neighbor to the west, has ever faced. My thoughts go to the many people who are struggling with this.
The other big item in news also features nature out of whack. Another spectacular eruption on the surface of the sun, bigger than the one which occurred last week, is estimated to reach full fury by noon today. The resulting geomagnetic storm could be ranked among the most powerful of its kind and last for twenty four hours. The explosion of gas and charged particles into space from the corona, the outermost layer of the sun's atmosphere, isn't harmful to people. But it can wreck havok with satellite communications and high frequency radios.
Last week, my good radio at work acted quite in contrast to its normal reliability. The strong radio station's signal wavered distant, and then would return very loud. However, there are more harmful implications of this other than the inability to enjoy music while we work. Those fighting the blazes in California depend on these forms of communication to coordinate their efforts.
Sometimes, fear is quite the rational response. So again, my thoughts go to the fire fighters, and their struggles. May the fear not cloud their minds, and they find strength from hidden sources.
October 29, 2003 B
"A Strong, Clear Message"
9:20pm
The hat has arrived!
I will get to that later. Meanwhile, I return to the news events. The solar flare proved to be less of a headliner than they'd thought, but the fires in California rage on. There are several of them, some near San Diego and some near LA. But the worst is the 'Cedar' fire. Over 13,000 firefighters are being kept busy to the point of exhaustion. It is dreadful.
The skies here are gray, and I think it is smoke drifting from hundreds of miles away. The sun was oddly reddish all day. I'm not sure if the solar flares were causing that or the smoky sky. I kept listening to the radio at work, listening for wavering signal, but it stayed strong. At least one quirk of mother nature was relatively benign.
Meanwhile, as I rehashed the various inconsequental minutia, work was tediously slow. Perhaps tonight I will get sufficient sleep and that will aid me tomorrow. One small odd event, an exception to the tedium, was not remembered until Julia spoke of the same event happening to her.
In the pocket of one of the marine blue trousers upon which I was attaching bloodstripes, I heard a tinkle. One quarter and a base for a ribbon were clinking together. I attached the metal base to the invoice for these pants and put the quarter in my drawer. I, mildly amused, thought it might be just what I need to buy a drink someday from the vending machine across the way some future thirsty day.
Julia reported that one unusual event of her day was finding a quarter. Her back is mostly healed now, so she is more ambulatory, and she walked to the atrium to take her lunch. As she ate her soup, she noticed a quarter by the wall, and picked it up.
It was sitting where a vending machine used to be. The director of her department had found its clatter annoying while he was working and had it moved to a place where he could not hear the loud machine so well.
On accessing the importance of us both finding quarters, Julia suggested ''Laura's trying to give us a message.'' We are always needing quarters for getting water and doing laundry. ''Laura's telling us 'Don't worry, things will be alright. You'll be taken care of,'' Julia, who is given to worrying at times, explained. I thought it was an happy co-incidence, but thought little more of it.
Later this evening, we had PBS on, and they were featuring a concert to dedicate the new Disney auditorium in LA. The densely packed sounds of a full orchestra serenaded us while I answered posts on a discussion group. One song the orchestra played was a misty, moody song from the forties. Julia noticed its lyrics:
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She gave your very first kiss to you That was Laura, but she's only a dream
She gave your very first kiss to you
Lyric by Johnny Mercer Music by David Raksin |
The song speaks of 'something half remembered, Of something that never happened . . .' I might not be able to fully recall the 'The laugh that float[ed] on a summer night', but it certainly happened. We laughed often. Laura had a robust laugh, for she enjoyed life thoroughly. Now, that she's passed, the memories may themselves have the insubstantiality of a dream. But that is the only ephemeral part. There are solid events and feelings behind those memories that existed and continue to exist for as long as I remember them. As the Egyptian Book Of The Dead states, ''That which is remembered, lives.''
As I listened to the rich melody, I recalled Laura's kisses. Yes, she did give me my 'very first kiss'. Her lips to mine, I knew the most heady sensuality. As I recalled that memory, which this song brought forth, I remembered my reverie in the car earlier as I was driving home from work today. Another song, quite different, from the eighties, about magic and a girl, played on the radio, prodding me to memories of Laura.
I was thinking of the weepy night I'd had a couple of nights ago, and how I cried, because 'I'm Not Perfect'. I remembered similar sob fests in Laura's arms, in which she assured me I was 'perfect for her'. I recalled the early days of our love, in which I so enthralled her. Nothing can ever take away the fact that those days, that love, really happened. In that nothing can take those away, it's like that love still exists.
I nearly cried while I was driving, but I blinked back the tears.
Now, at the day's summation, I am glad all these events have happened for me to remember that clear impression of Laura looking at me with love welling up in her heart, making her eyes glow. That love was real. And that love IS real.
The inspirational radio song MIGHT have been Magic by The CARS:
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oh oh it's magic when i'm with you oh oh it's magic you know it's true |
Yes, I think this was the one:
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love darts in your eyes how far can you take it till you realize there's magic in your eyes |
Laura sure had 'magic in her eyes' and it was so often 'magic' when I was with her. Yes, it is so, near to the time of Samhain, (Laura's favorite holiday), the borders between the spirits passed and those still living have opened to allow Laura to give both Julia and I a strong, clear message:
''Our love was real. Our love IS real.'' I'm glad I can hear this message so clearly.
Magical Laura . . .
The weekend was good, but I wake this Monday sad, tired and off. It is not just having finished reading a very sad book yesterday. Anne Rice has finished the vampire chronicles with Blood Canticle. Lestat ain't himself in this book, and from what I read on the discussion groups, others are finding it true as well. I will remember him as the defiant, proud and adventurous vamp I came to love in The Vampire Lestat and forget this whiny, pissy, defanged and deballed creature who reads Catholic newsletters and bitches that his fledgling's dress is too skimpy.
I forgive Rice for this attempt. Something we may not understand could be the cause and I wish her dark healing.
I receive my amusements where I can. I laughed when I read my horoscope (Neptune square Sun), ''Physical energy could be on a low cycle now.'' Quite low, I am indeed.
It also says '' When things are at their worst, take one step at a time. At the least you will somehow muddle through.''
So I will endeavor to be patient. The woman singing Qadukka-l-Mayyas on Jesse Cook's NOMAD comforts me. I will lay low, breathe deep, and find the strength within.
November 4, 2003 A
"Accepting This Moment As It Is"
5:17am
Pluto square Moon today, we are advised to ''purge old junk.''
Not sure I was acting on the horoscopes advice, I was nonetheless inspired to clean out my mailbox, which had been 46% percent full, and now is only 5% percent full. Other than that, I have done nothing creative or useful this morning.
I grew frustrated last night, WANTING to do something creative. I couldn't get the photo to look right, and the quick sketch rendered the subject looking like a monkey. Now monkey-effects might be done on purpose sometimes, but I didn't WANT the person to look like a monkey.
Wanting to do something creative will not always assure we GET a nice result. So today, I'll lay low and hope for better inspiration soon. No, I amend that, to keep myself centered in the present, which wastes the least energy, I'll just lay low, accepting this moment as it is.
Someone wrote me, inquiring of the symbolism of a symmetical design featuring three units, which inspired me to find old entries referring to them:
A Scandinavian triskelion,
which has symbolism for 'the life force' and 'the will to create'.
