October 10, 2004

"The Star Seeker"
5:15pm

We went to the local new age shop in search of new music. I looked around and saw a card with the 'STAR' tarot card and felt moved to get it. I discovered it had a scatch off tarot reading within it. Not only was 'The Star' on the cover, it came up as 'my influence', reminding me to trust my inner feelings. The lady seemed to represent Illuminaria, my ideal self. However, the brown haired lady in the card didn't look like me, so I was inspired to draw my own card. Okay, this lady doesn't look like me currently, but she at least resembles my idealized Self! Also, the booklet that comes with the 'Thoth' deck explains the 'STAR' card symbolizes clarity of vision and spiritual insight. It is just the thing for beginning a new adventure . . .

The Star Seeker

October 12, 2004

"Honoring a Super Man"
2:45am

I wake from sleep with busy thoughts. I read earlier of the passing of Christopher Reeve, who played Superman. In 1995, after a horse riding accident, he was rendered a quadriplegic. Laura, Julia and I watched his struggles, how he hoped to one day walk again and how bravely and tirelessly he worked to encourage research into spinal cord disorders.

I remember Laura saying when we first learned of his accident, how this would be his epic battle. And it was. In the facing of his limitations, he proved himself the greater Hero. He was a warrior until the end. Hail and Farewell!

October 15, 2004

"En-Tranced"
3:04am

Pocket of my new blouse...

I think I'll wear that blouse today. It is a cool design, partly solid white and partly plaid. The collar band is solid orange. The back is embroidered. It was 'a rescue' from one of the new stores that recently opened. What a crowd that was there! Yuma is again becoming a busy town, after summer's great heat.

I am not yet ready to begin this day. I shall return back to bed for some more sleep, but I had to get up for a bit. Thrash, thrash, thrash! The tension built up within my legs, and I could no longer endure it. Perhaps just an hour up will relieve it.

The busy season has begun. I could not finish the pile of work even though I stayed late. No doubt I shall be working Saturday in a desperate attempt to catch up. The only thing to do after work was to go out to eat. I just didn't want to return to a hot house and eat some scraps. So we went to Outback Steakhouse. I tried the Salmon Griller and I have a huge portion left over that will be my lunch today. I had room for dessert that way. The 'Chocolate Thunder from Down Under' was huge, even for two. At one point, I threw in the Towle, SPOON that is.

Earlier, I had been reading of the use of the 'trance state' for magical purposes. I didn't understand it one bit. It sounded positively mind numbing:

(from http://www.chaosmatrix.org/library/chaos/texts/libermmm.html:

"Arrange the body in any comfortable position and try to remain in that position for as long as possible. Try not to blink or move the tongue or fingers or any part of the body at all. Do not let the mind run away on long trains of thought but rather observe oneself passively . . .

. . . Only the greatest determination can win even a few seconds of mental silence, but even this is quite a triumph. Aim for complete vigilance over the arising of thoughts and try to lengthen the periods of total quiescence."

Besides concentrating on a sound, or mental image, the author Peter J. Carroll also advises holding "an object with an absolutely fixed, unwavering gaze."

"Horrors! It is the zombie state and I want no part of it!" I thought and wanted nothing to do with it. For a person who embraces consciousness fully, it seemed utterly undesirable.

Later, I was there in that restaurant, after enjoying that good meal and the lively but casual ambience which Outback is famous for. ("No rules, just right.") I was drinking in the energy of the place, and staring at my mug of pink lemonade, just staring at the thick glass base of the mug and how the colors of the underlying coaster showed through it. I zoned out, just staring at my mug, absolutely mesmerized by the beauty of the glass revealing the distorted color blotches.

I drank in the energy and stared. I was lost in a world of crystalline color blotches. Then I remembered my earlier reading, "Yeah, 'trance-state'!" It wasn't the feared 'zombie state', I was conscious, but in a weirdly narrowed way. My world was reduced to the state of being an energy sponge and that glass mug. I can't imagine doing it intentionally for long periods of time, but, yes, I go into a trance-state.

Whether or not it has magical potential MAY be intriguing to study. There! I admit that much!

October 18, 2004

"A Bit of Inertia"
5:36pm

"Nobody went to the camp doctor." That is a line in a story I was reading. As I read it, I wondered why. Why do people avoid doctors? For some, it is the cost of care. For others, they keep putting it off, hoping whatever ailment they have will get better on its own. It's a sort of optimism. It's a sort of optimism I have.

Only when I am absolutely sure, that, no, it ain't getting better do I push myself in the direction of a doctor. When I had strep throat, I waited until my throat nearly closed. When I had re-occurring stomach and back pain, I waited until I vomited for eight hours straight. The doctor shakes his head and says "That's the worst case of..."

I've been knowing this tooth of mine has been twanging for some time. I have been reminded of it with every bite of cold ice cream, sip of cold milk, and swish of cold water, I have been reminded of it. However, it wasn't until that tooth woke me up in the middle of the night that I finally decided "It's not going away." I now have a dental appointment Thursday, the 21st at 1:30pm.

Also, too, maybe in addition to 'optimism', maybe it's a kind of inertia that keeps people from doing what becomes increasingly apparent necessity. Yeah, if I'm being honest, I have to admit to a bit of inertia.

October 19, 2004

"A Bit of Progress"
9:52pm

This is a reduction of the initial drawing for a tarot 'Death Card' I am doing. I am unsure how I will proceed, whether to color it digitally or with colored pencils. That can be decided tomorrow. At least I have gotten this far.

The lower half will be gray tones. Lighter tones, closer to blue will fill the midsection. At the point where the KA and BA are leaving the body will be more luminescent tones. The arch is a rainbow, and above that will be a night-blue sky. The four little items in the corners are Ouroburos, snakes swallowing their tails.

October 20, 2004

"Rare Music"
8:36pm

I am not listening to music tonight. I spent time relaxing near an open window, just listening to the sound of the rain. Rain is so rare here in Yuma, it is all the music I need.