We didn't want to stay glued to the TV all day, so the three of us made our planned Cost Co food run as usual. We had the news radio on, however, and listened to Britain's prime minister Tony Blair give his well done speech. He said it was important that Britain be involved in the military action, not only because the terrorist attacks of September 11 were the worst ever against UK citizens, but because: "This atrocity was an attack on us all, on people of all faiths and people of none." I particularily appreciate that he included atheists, as well. With all the 'God Bless America' slogans around, atheists have felt rather disenfranchised. Indeed, even hard-to-classify somewhat theistic types as myself have felt somewhat irked, as if they are saying only the blessings of the Christian god are any good.

At any rate, the world events have progressed, and action has been taken. The TV news is again on, and we watched while eating hotdogs and cranberry-apple pie. My, that pie was good. It is large, and we'll be enjoying it tomorrow, as well.

Friday Laura and I went to see her doctor. Worried, she is, and worried the doctor is, too. Have you ever heard of a doctor rushing through the okay to see a cardiologist THIS fast? This very Monday, we have an appointment for Laura to have her heart checked thoroughly. I think the words that scared the doctor most were when Laura told her ''I awake at night feeling like there's gloves and mittens on my hands and feet.'' Meaning, her circulation is so bad at night, her hands and feet start feeling numb. Also, her waking up from a sound sleep, gasping for air, is certainly cause for alarm. She's been having considerable shortness of breath lately.

So, it's off to see the cardiologist this Monday. She didn't tell Byrne Quinn how bad she really felt the last time she saw him. Didn't want any tests, she said. But now she's scared, and time is running out on her health coverage. PacificCare is pulling out of Pinal Country beginning of next year, due to current government cut backs. There's another outfit, but we don't know how good they might be.

It seems, being as we've kept with our Tucson doctors, we should be included with the Pima county service. But that is just how it seems to US, and we're not the ones in charge.

The Taliban turned down Bush's 'second chance', and it's back to bombing. Although today is a day off, as it's their 'holy day'. Are the Taliban/bin Laden co-horts testing a new form of terrorism, or is it a sicko on our own shores? It used to be, we only worried about viruses in nasty e-mails. Nowadays, people will be worried to open their 'snail mail' after a few people in the news media received some letters with anthrax poison powder in them.

One person died as a result, the others were saved in time, and recovery is possible.

Odd, restless worried thoughts surround me tonight. I don't know where to begin. So many worries about the future, I guess that's not so odd. Still, to grab ahold of my wandering mind, and once again, let a ramble tell me where it's at.

How do you grab hold of what you cannot touch? The future, that is. We hold each day, and nothing more. To say what becomes of our worries, we can only point to the powdered worries of yester days. What became of them, as they dried up, blown by the prevailing wind? They went, to forgetfulness, replaced by the newer, not yet powder, still too tangible.

But this is today, and these are my worries. I have nearly forty three years under my belt. In less than a month, it will be forty three. Not old, not young, I am glad to have got this far. Still, yet a life, and what will I do with it in the future? I think of a Walt Whitman quote, ''I am ___________, I contain multitudes'' Well, I can't remember it properly right now. Anyway, it's about this containing 'multitudes'. So many aspects of oneself, can they all be pinned down? Can I know them all?

Will I know them all? It's like that, each day a new fragment of the faces. And am I getting sleepy now? Is this delicate fingering towards something able to happen in the face of this sleepiness? And yet, SOMETHING said, 'get thee to the computer'. ( Eh, I didn't REALLY hear a voice, just this subtle urging.)

So here I am, I showed up. I'm not sure where this voice of mine will lead me. I hear the oral sound of my vocal voice, and am surprised at its sound. It sounds older than what I'm used to hearing. The skin on my hands is a little thinner and shinier than it used to be. And, yes, I've mentioned before, those joints that I used to not know I had. Still, I've learned to 'feel the pain and do it anyway'. Or else I rust, rust, rust away. What erosion of a life unlived? 'A life lived in fear is a life not lived', another such ill-remembered quote.

Or IF one must fear, do it big-style. Don't be shy about your fears. Name them out loud and feel them out strongly. It's no use, this small wringing of hands behind back. Let there be a big trembling, of which we are unashamed.

I used to be so afraid of anyone finding out how afraid I was. I made myself a REAL anxious mess that way. So it's out. All the ghosts are out, and left to wander on their own devices. I haven't met them all, but I'm sure we'll get introduced in time.

In time, everything will happen. I just have to pull back and let it. So I pull back, and let what will unfold, unfold. Time never did like me trying to strangle it anyway. It always beat me anyhow, laughing at me. And I hated being the loser. One should pick one's battles carefully.

So tomorrow, with tomorrow, and not today. Or as someone else wise said once ''Sufficient unto the day are the evils thereof . . .'' Or maybe the even wiser one would say, no evil, what you cannot control. Or, it is NOT EVIL that you cannot control it. Or something like that. It's hard to make sense when you're sleepy.

But I'm calmer now. I'm not so filled with worry. And that was no doubt the whole point of this writing exercise, anyway. Good, it was, the muse send me typing.

But he seems more optimistic than our regular doctor. Also, one medicine which Eichler gave her seems to be helping. However, it was only a sample of Serevent, an inhaler, and I will call tomorrow so Laura can get a prescription for it.

He seems more optimistic. WE feel more optimistic. This is good.

An amusing story on the web news today reveals I wasn't the only one to use bin Laden's face as a target. There are archery and gun practice targets with his face on it, T-shirts with his face, bullet-riddled, or in the crosshairs, with the words, Wanted Dead Or Alive, with the 'or alive' crossed out. Why, there is even toilet paper with his image on it! Quite expensive, some of these items, as the toilet paper costs $11.95 for a two-pack!

None of us went hungry, that's for sure. At home I sat on the sofa, happily content and digesting, as Julia made a plea. ''Will you take a birthday picture of me?'' Okay. We tried several variations, without shawl and with shawl. One 'with shawl' was most successful, and I later edited out the ugly background.

So I was most delighted, when the face of this Indian called to me from Arizona Highways, one of the magazines I receive. ''Rattles aloft, Jones Benally leads a groups of Navajo dancers'' is the caption with the photo. The image was powerful, and I wanted to see what I could do with colored pencils.

Although I am not ordinarily a sports fan, I must say the happy news was good, and a refreshing contrast to the bad items.

Bad, of course, for more postal workers in the DC areas have been exposed to Anthrax. Two died. They are STILL saying the connection with Al Quaida terrorism is uncertain. Does anyone believe that?

And my forehead feels strangely hot. Fever?

I was pretty sick last night. When the fever, nausea and malaise hit, I certainly thought of Anthrax. What of that white powdery substance in the dairy cooler that I cleaned the other night at work? Nevermind it was the same powdery dried milk flecks that I removed that LAST time I cleaned the dairy case, well before September 11th.

But the sore throat, achiness, and weariness will soon be gone. Fever has broken!