September 21, 2003 A

"A Coil Of Turmoil"
4:57am

I woke with sore back needing the straight posture. Then a snaky anxiety coiled around me once I got awake enough to know consciousness. When it comes like this, it comes without words. I must give it words, objectify it, shine the illuminating light on it.

Will it, like those 'waterbugs' Gramma used to have in her kitchen, disappear at first light ray hitting it? I doubt it, but I shall certainly know its shape, its color and its width better.

It seems wide. The horoscope warns ''A degree of emotional turmoil and upsets are likely.'' (Uranus Quincunx Moon) It advises cutting back on 'nervous strain'. Well, I do know that muscle relaxation and deep breathing help.

So I'll be reminding myself of that. Meanwhile, the close look at this squirmy emotion. It wants to wrap itself around me entire, taking away my thought process. I'll not let it do that. I'll endeavor to keep the free flow of each thought.

The 29th looms closer. Oh, how I hope each polyp tests out squeaky clean! Possibility is on our side. I claim this possibility in the face of overwhelming fear. And I take a deep breath.

I find myself relaxing if I don't fight this fear. I don't like this snaky fear. It is large, slithery, thick, and why it wants to coil itself so tightly around me, I don't know. Why do I find myself less constricted if I just let it? It seems to be a plan, so I will just let it.

There will be the time for fighting and faith. Now is the time for trying to get as comfortable as possible with the coily fear. I relax, and let it coil.

September 21, 2003 B

"A Lifting Of Mood"
10:32am

The movies all have been watched, and we must take them back. Birthday Girl features Nicole Kidman being all sexy, if deceptive. She had that raw sexiness in her depiction of Virginia Woolf, as well. It makes one wonder why she and Tom Cruise broke up. But everything does not show on screen. Suffice it to say, her sexiness does.

Banger Sisters was quite a surprise. I expected a 'chick-flick' in the the nature of Divine Secrets Of the Ya Ya Sisterhood. I didn't expect it to be about two estranged friends, one still wild from the seventies, and one having faded into bland rich comformity. Goldie Hawn and Susan Sarandon do marvelously. I love it when Saradon dances in that bar, rediscovering her wild spirit.

It reminds me of when she did the same many years ago in Rocky Horror Picture Show It also reminds me of a poem I did a few months back. Wildness In The Blood urges us ''in wildness is preservation of life''. I urge all to either recapture, gain for the first time, or never let die their wild spirit.

I urged Julia to find it in herself. Her mood is lifting. Hope is rising. The subterranean plates of magick are not done. Hope is rising and I will let it fly.

From below, to up above, so it surges.

And back again to the middle plane of mundane. Underworld isn't showing in a time convenient for us. So that we'll do another day.

I've also been distracting myself by playing with the squash photos. My first variants were mildly interesting. The strong contrasts in the image below earns it at least a small recording for posterity:

Original Squash

Secret Life Of Summer Squash

But the following variation, caught Julia's eye, too, as she exclaimed, ''That's a keeper!''. And so it is, in large-size.

Another 'Secret Life' . . .

September 22, 2003

"A Call Of Fall"
6:16am

I was inspired to rise in the middle of the night. Perhaps the darkness and the autumnal Mabon celebration the day before influenced this Late Fall Evening mandala:

Late Fall Evening

Now, when I'm at work, I suspect I'll feel the call of sleep which I didn't have earlier!

September 23, 2003

"A Cause Of Alarm"
5:53am

A dear friend of ours is having to close her business because of carpal tunnel syndrome. Earlier, another dear friend had to also choose a different line of work because of this ailment.

It's nasty stuff, the numbness and shooting pains. And I've had just enough taste of it, I must be very careful not to stress my hand and wrist joints overmuch. Arthritis pain, one learns to ignore that. One must, or nothing gets done. For instance, if one's wrists aren't actually getting ripped out of their sockets, it's just something to endure when lifting something heavy. Not so with this carpal tunnel thing.

NERVES can get damaged and permanently. I must find a different way to sew those large hooks on the banded collar necks of coats. It's very difficult and I must use pliers to pull the needle through. Yesterday's plan of using lots of thick thread in the needle, thinking this would make a quicker job of it, didn't work, for all that thickness is harder to pull. I am bringing thin, long eyed needles to work, for the thick ones are more difficult.

Meanwhile, in every other way, I'm babying that right wrist. And I'm resuming taking the calcium/magnesium supplements. One source says '' Calcium promotes blood clotting by activating the protein fibrin, and along with magnesium helps to regulate the heart beat, muscle tone, muscle contraction and nerve conduction.'' It's not to just help the joints, it promotes the health of the muscles and nerves, which is what is needed to keep the carpal tunnel syndrome away. There's more than one reason the doctor told me to take calcium supplements. But when Julia couldn't digest vitamin pills, I got out of the habit of taking them. This was a POOR idea! I won't let that happen again.

It's terrible we humans have to be so fragile. This is no ailment of only the middle aged and older, for young people in their twenties are getting this. One can complain that there's something lacking in the design of the human body, or one can adapt and find ways to deal with that fragility.

Obviously, adaptation is the better plan.

September 24, 2003

"Conservation"
6:00am

Yesterday was much better than the day before, which I rather yawned through. I did have another of those tasks requiring careful thought to not strain the hand and wrists overmuch. What really hurt the day before was pushing the thickly threaded needle through the thick mass with the force of the thumb. That's what caused the numbness, I'm certain. It helps greatly to use a thin needle with just one doubled over coarse thread, and pull it out with pliers using the forearm and shoulder muscle. Fortunately, this particular task is not frequent in my job.

Long ago I've learned the usefulness of wrist-saving compensations. I'd heard of the greater risk for those with arthritis to get carpal tunnel syndrome, so anytime I can save any stress on this delicate body part, I do so. It is easy to use the side of my forearm muscle, rather than a push of the flat extended hand, wrist bent, to push doors open. Pushing one's own self up with an elbow, to rise from a low position is helpful. It's very painful to push up from the ground using the flat of the hand. Also keeping the wrist straight is good in various types of repetitive actions, like mousing for instance. It just takes a bit of forethought until it becomes second nature. Hopefully what I've learned will help others to avoid unnecessary pain.

There are enough unavoidable pains in life!

Julia rises this morning, feeling fatigued. I had to work late to finish a garment, so she got another ride home from work. Alas, she didn't think to take her key-containing purse, and had to wait on the porch an hour before I arrived. Fortunately, it was a rare rainy day, and the porch was cool and shady. She amused herself by studying the bird action at our hummingbird feeders, which feed more species than just hummingbirds.

It is that season again at work, the season of great busy-ness, which lasts through the middle of November. My next three Saturdays are booked for work. It helps to remember it is only temporary. And, ever the practice of energy conservation, via the deep breathing and muscle relaxation is useful.

Conservation in all forms seems to be the answer for answering the degradations of an aging body. Conservation in all forms is the answer for ALL sorts of things in finite supply, such as financial resources and ecological resources. As with the individual, so with the state. But many of our nation's states have forgotten this. We continue to watch our neighboring state of California with interest.

Meanwhile, we wait and we watch all manner of things. Time is the teller of all tales, but he proceeds at his own pace.

September 27, 2003 A

"No Brave Theatrics"
4:30am

I am here in the darkness, seeking illumination for the hidden quarters of my mind. I can bring them out and study them in the quiet pondering.

Despair, is there a quiet, unspoken despair? I wish to face all of it, that I know it, and it not attack my body instead. Come forth, what hideous items of despair! I am not speaking with a lucid tongue, or even fingers that type correctly.

A deep breath, then another. A cricket sounds enormous in the morning hour. I could sound enormous if anything of lasting coherancy can be obtained.

But I don't know. One thinks he knows everything but he doesn't know. Future hides itself, wearing a veil. Maybe it lifts it once or twice to reveal indiffernet eyes. All indifferent, not unkind, just indifferent.

All I know is this moment, and I can't even create much coherancy out of that. All I can do is make the best of this moment, bring to it my innermost divinity. I would be strong, brave, true, flashing swords of fury against despair, inspiring in others their own strength.

But I sit here, contemplating my widening navel. My physical body measures 47-39-47, and will there be any end to the 'widening'? I pity those only control they find over their life is through their weight, but I can't seem to stop getting fatter.

My divinity is ellusive this morning, playing hide and seek. Well I'm seeking, dammit, I'm seeking, but all I can find is a sort of stubborness. Well, stubborness is not without use, from it springs the strong will needed to accomplish anything.

If I can clarify what I wish to accomplish. All around me lies despair. I hear it in cackling whispers. Julia has more than one health problem. Her gums have receded at a frightening speed, leaving her teeth to fall out. Her perfect, beautiful teeth which have never known a single cavity!

I know that was the way with Gramma's teeth. She said so, all perfection, and then gone, fallen out. It's not fair. I know nothing in life is 'fair', we have to make our own fairness. But it sucks, it really does.

Maybe the stress of what's happening elsewhere in her body is causing it. All the inelegant brakedown of systems, an entire physical system under seige. I would find the enemy and destroy him. I would fight the battle inside Julia's body for her, but I don't know how.

Is this a possibility of some higher magic I don't know? I, the weak mortal, don't know. The only other voice, beside my own weak inner voice, that I hear this morning is the cricket. And he only says in his native voice, 'Make noise while you can, for its the only noise you can, for as long as you can, and after that, who knows?'

The cricket doesn't know, and neither do I. I rage about that weakly. A weak rage? How can that be? Fearful of letting it have too much control, I can't let it consume me. For then I would hear not at all, see not at all, my eyes would be squeezed tightly, oblivious to all but the red rage. So serenity is useful, if it gets me through the day.

I will fight battles with light swords another day. Just this day, the quiet strength, the evenness of the breath, the calm declaration to get through the day. Everywhere else a greater strength is cried for, but I can only answer this moment.

I say, ''I will face this moment.'' And take a deep breath. All for tomorrow, tomorrow's trials can wait. No strength I have for that, or for even imagining what will await me. Now, ever the 'now'. This 'now', I can look THAT in the eye, and answer it. And so I shall. No brave theatrics, no flashing heroics, no wild dance against despair. Just a quiet in-breathing, and out-breathing. Just quiet. Maybe that is enough.

A note of the easily-amused: My horoscope says, ''Get rid of old attitudes, items, conditions, habits and dietary practices that no longer serve a useful propose.''

The old attitude that I should handle everything, know everything, is ''GONE!'' Habits, I shall seek out better ways to spare my joints, that I keep my agility as long as possible. I can do that. Dietary practices? The horoscope specific to those born in my month says more directly, ''Look at food as fuel and make the right choices to raise up your energy levels.'' THIS, I will have to work on this concept! I will keep my mind open, ever seeking ways to improve this.

Look, all is not despair, I have so much room to improve, all so expansive those 47 inches worth of 'room'! A smaller temple for the indwelling of my spirit is possible.

September 27, 2003 B

"Brave Theatrics And Good Omens"
6:18pm

I want to say, on seeing the title of today's earlier entry, "No Brave Theatrics", that there were plenty of 'brave theatrics' in this afternoon's movie, UNDERWORLD. Not for the actors and actresses themselves, but if they were real vampyres and real werewolves. A long feud between the two races has its full history revealed, but not before a lot of surprising shifts in the plot. Still, the ending isn't quite satisfying, things aren't tied up neatly, and Julia uttered the prophetic word 'Sequel', which I'm certain there will be. (Note from the future: there IS.)

Another chance to see sexy vamps in action, along with those wild and sometimes wooly 'lycans' will be welcomed. Although I do hope in the sequel, the filmers don't tinge every scene blue. Dark hues are okay, but let's have a full range of hues, please. Still Kate Beckinsale is worth watching in any kind of light. She brings a believable energy to her role as heroine.

Will I want to buy the DVD when it comes out? I'm not sure. It's a little more heavy than the fluffier Queen of the Damned, but sexy vamps are irresistable, so it's a possibility.

It was nice seeing a couple of our friends at the movie. Small towns are nice that way! And at the video store, another familiar face greeted us. I did decide to invest $12.99 in a copy of A Chorus Line, as it sounds quite fascinating. If I could find Cats for twice that cheap, I'd grab it up in an instant.

Meanwhile, the rentals I brought home are all off the shelves of older films, as well. We have a cartoon, The Prince Of Egypt, a subtitled French one named Amelia, and Brotherhood of the Wolf. I figured if Michael Sheen and Scott Speedman can make such attractive wolven hybrids, this movie may be fascinating as well.

Before watching the lycans and vamps, we ate at the nearby Chinese restaurant, Manderin Palace. Perhaps because of Julia's limited diet of the liquid soups, or because my inner child is finally getting the idea 'we' must cut back on the excess food, I ate quite moderately, and was well satisfied with teriyaki chicken, pork-fried rice, cucumber salad, a few cooked carrots and slightly sweet fried wontons with cheese in the center. And I won't forget those lovely puffy sugar powdered donuts. My first few bites were of an old and squashed one, but the waiter said to wait, for a fresh batch would be brought out, all hot and tasty. And it was, perfectly puffy and warm.

I do enjoy my feed so! Once again, the fortune cookie oracle proved spot-on accurate. For Julia, the message was:

Wish you a good health!

So the energies of this mysterious oracle are with my dear Julia. And for me, it (he, she? Maybe She?) re-assured me:

You will have a fine capacity for the enjoyment of life.

I shall consider the messages good omens.

September 27, 2003 A

"The Morning Of"
7:30am

This is the morning of Julia's colonoscopy. Her hind end is now clean, Virgo-an clean. Julia started her liquid diet the day before she was supposed 'to make sure'. Yes, in sidereal astrology she has both moon and sun in Virgo.

She reports she's not hungry, but nauseous. ''Chewed up,'' she says. Well, chewed-up is a rather none too surprising reaction after that lovely potion she was ordered to drink.

'Mix half of this bottle with ginger ale and drink at 8am, and then the other half at 8pm'. Well, she drank the second half at 8:30pm. Wooo. Radical, there.

But we were watching movies. Brotherhood of the Wolf was quite complicated. It's originally French, and apparently the French audience has a longer attention span than American ones. The English voice of the dub-over didn't match the heros face. I knew it was from a dark haired man on the far side of middle aged, rather than from a blond haired man on the near side of middle aged. The dissonance was strangely distressing. When it was finished, we listened to it a bit with the original French and English subtitles. The hero sounded much better 'using' his own voice, and the red haired heroine sounded ever so much more sexy in her French voice. They didn't do too bad for the heroine's English speaker. She had a bit of saucyness to her. But the voice coming out of the actual French actress had that whole sexy sensuous French thing going on.

A sort of value system is revealed watching the movie. Americans are all about action, not much emotion, not so much sensuality. Those French are sensuous. Even the villain manages a good case of it. Of course, he tries to force his affection upon the unwilling heroine. But even in that, he manages a sexyness, despite his nastyness.

Go watch it, but be prepared to have a lengthy movie that takes effort to chew. You know it's bad when some American critic complained UNDERWORLD was too long. Is there any hope for our country? Has the distrust of the 'intellectual' grown THAT deeply? With who we have in the President's seat, we know the populace doesn't respect intelligence. Just bang 'em up, and shoot 'em up, that's our movie and other value systems, it seems.

Well, I really did not expect to get on a rant about such matters. Prince Of Egypt was nicely Disney done. I want to read the Egyptian record of such matters. I don't think all happened as is reported in that tale. Still, the music is impressive. Another Hans Zimmer effort, it's so well graced by the late Ofra Haza. Quite a lot of big name actors and actresses play in that one, including Patrick Stewart taking another commanding role as Seti.

''You're Playing With The Big Boys, Now'', THAT was a cute song. I kept listening to the God/Goddess name recital, trying to detect a certain Egyptian God of Thunder and Lightning. But of course, the Dieties went by several different names, so it's possible they used an obscure name. They WOULDN'T want to leave out that particular 'Big Boy'. Well, the Egyptians wouldn't have, but who knows what DISNEY did.

It has cute special effects, and all that. Moses' scarab ring looks much like the ring I've sent for, except mine is lapiz instead of turquoise. But he went and gave his back to Ramses.

Ah well, it's just a story. We watched A Chorus Line first, on Saturday night. I'm glad to have it as a keeper. I kept thinking how I'd love to be in the audience, front row, with all that high energy of those dancers floating about. What a rush that would be!

Maybe there are local dance productions we can go to, for cheap. There's a new arts center they're building in Old Town. I'm hoping many exciting things go on there.

Well, all this rambling will cease momentarily. The tiles which I ordered ages ago are waiting for me at the post office, rent must be paid and a package picked up which the deliverer gave to the apartment office. I suspect it's my scarab ring.

I must get about this, and urge Julia to drink more fluids. She has only one more hour left until her cut-off time. The procedure is around noon.

Notice I am expecting a sequel today. Until then, all good 'Xeper' and that. Keep those wheels of evolution rolling.

September 27, 2003 B

"Scarab Ring"
10:25am