September 13, 2003 A

"A Secret Revealed"
8:30am

Astrologically speaking, the planet Pluto is a symbol of what the ancients used to call the "secret parts." It deals with the HIDDEN and MYSTERIOUS, the UNKNOWN. Today, we are informed, Pluto is Trine with the Moon.

I'm not sure how this will impact upon the day. But one thing of silliness already relates to it. I was checking my camera, seeing if the batteries are recharged, when I took note of the last picture on the disk. At the beginning of the month, Julia had taken two pictures of a birthmark on the back of my thigh that I didn't know I had. I've owned these thighs for 44 years now, and never saw their backs, so this to me had been hidden and mysterious.

Mapping the Mark . . .

A constellation of 'stars' . . .

September 13, 2003 B

"On A Day Most Rich"
6:45pm

Early this day to the rising of quiet satisfaction, slumber and then meeting with friends. Nice joy in that, in the shade at the picnic table, sharing our foods and thoughts. Then the heat began to encroach into the shadows and we dispersed.

We went home, I took to the computer to research movies, made a decision and then napped for a quarter of an hour. Rising with a start, I threw on clothes, and corralled Julia and I to the car. What heat beats down around two in the afternoon, and I am so greatly sensitive to the fierceness of the sun's rays!

Still, not long, and we were tucked into the cool cave of the theater, with all the other cave inhabitants. The room grew dark, and the images flashed upon the wall. Bright images, cut sharply with a digital film camera, flashing, dashing scenes of an interminate time in Mexico, 'Once Upon a Time' there, with Antonio Banderas and Johnny Depp being SO macho. Oh, my, such machismo! Still, the colors are vibrant, even if by movie's end, Depp's character cannot see them. He manages to be strangely appealing, even with dried blood dripped down his cheeks.

He has partially won. Banderas has partially won, though his sweet love Selma Hayak is gone, and his child. But revenge has been taken. El Presidente runs free. El Mariachi lives to strum his guitar another day. And at least Depp still has the ears to listen to the music.

It was an adventure, though much too much blood was shed for my tastes. You cannot count the fallen bodies, they fall with such rapidity. Still, it was an adventure, and for that we are grateful.

My rich coffee drink did not satisfy, I did not finish it, nor did I finish the rich candies I have always loved. I am learning a taste for simple foods, which will be most salutory. At the Golden Corral, I liked most the macaroni and cheese. Busy vibes of many eaters and several workers there gave a lively ambience. All eaters were getting satisfied probably much sooner than their plates were emptied, as I found my own self leaving a pile of uneaten food.

Julia did well, eating her first meat and fish since Thursday of last week. So far, her stomach seems to be handling it. We are grateful for this.

It has been a satisfying day. We are well fed, both physically and mentally.

As I lay luxurating in restfulness, digesting my food, I felt 'full' spiritually as well, and I turned up a rather long poem, on the nature of wealth. Unable to decide whether it fits in 'the purple pages' or the 'yellow pages', Julia suggested QUARTZ, as it comes in both hues. So amethyst and citrine, it shall both be:

TIME=MONEY Ah, the uncharted voyage! Again, I plumb into my inner depths, what caverns there are, filled with such deep waters. 'Still waters run deep?' Have I the 'stillness'? Still, I am quiet, so that I might hear the slightest movement, here in the caverns of myself, down low, safe in my hidden clusters. Do you think that you might go exploring yourself? What hidden caverns are within you, all available cheaply, no tour guide needed, nor long boat ride? Sink and descend with the opening of your mind. You are the ticketmaster, you charge the fare, which is only the time it takes. 'TIME=MONEY.' Then think what wealth we might have, if we spent our time better. Men of great coin do not understand this. In their tall mansions, they may be starving for a greater feed. It's all around them, though they know it not. Ignorance is the greatest poverty. I would not wish to be them. I shall be me, in my humble house, old bed, old computer, old everything, not of great price. I do not wish to be them, with their coins they have slaved so hard to pile up. They have the highest pile, they have won their game. But I play a different game. I go spelunking in these hidden quarters of myself, these riches cannot be stolen. Wait! Just now a begger is at the door! What does he want? ''Entrance to paradise,'' he claims, and he can show me the way. He does not know he holds the key. It is for a different door, though, than the one at which he knocks or at which he has knocked in the past. Heaven's mercy would whisper this in his own ear: ''It's within YOU, always within YOU.'' You think a begger can find it? Toss your rags aside, you are clothed in radiance, which needs not covered. But the blind do not see. Their eyes are firmly shut and think it most righteous. Fine! I will eat this excellent meal all alone, then, in my humble house, at my small table. I will send the begger up the road to the tall mansion. Its resident does not get it, either. Illusion feeds them both, and they can have it. Angels are laughing, though I know not why. They have all the time in the world. Maybe they are the richest of all. JAL, 9 - 13 - 03

September 15, 2003

"Thinking Of Autumn"
12:02am

Fall Leaves

This is not the first mandala that has been inspired by the coming of Autumn. I did a rather quilt-like design last year called Harvest Moon. Maybe Fall inspires me so much, because although I don't see all the colored leaves one finds in colder climes, I am just so darn glad to be coming upon cooler days!

September 16, 2003

"Relaxed Optimism"
6:25am

As I sat down at the computer for the morning visit with 'the world', a little voice whispers to me I should first visit with myself before heading off to the world of discussion groups. So here I is. I never know what I will turn up when I start off on a ramble. So sit loose, make sure you're buckled in, and we're off on a 'joy-ride'.

Ah, definitions, on one of my lists, we are discussing definitions of things. One can have the loose definition and refine it from there. This is morning. Morning is the beginning of the day. At least for those of us operating within the 'normal' time zone of one's area. It all gets mixed up for those working night shifts.

Here we are again, you, me and morning. Okay, it may not be morning for you. I have been buying entirely too much stuff. That little card of plastic, magic key to the money account, has been taken out too much. Let's see, what have I bought recently?

There are three new turtlenecks. These were badly needed. Two replaced ones that may be twenty years old. One of the old ones is a Land's End turtleneck WITH the neck seam. Twenty years ago they pioneered the 'seamless' neck, so the old deep warm rose turtleneck is OLD. I do not feel 'guilty' about this purchase. Then there are two new long sleeved plaid shirts. I have a wealth of short sleeved shirts, but am weak on the long sleeved variety. Not so much anymore. I do not feel 'guilty' about those.

Then there is the lovely lapis lazuli scarab ring I sent away for. You know me, I have 'a thing' for the scarab, because of its neat associations. It looks so purty in the picture, I do not feel 'guilty' about that.

Then a catalog arrived tucked inside the turtleneck package when it arrived. The lure of more inexpensive long sleeved shirts tempted me, but they were all out of XL when I tried to order them. Anything else at that online store was too expensive. But I felt so frustrated. I remembered another company from whom I used to get catalogs. Yes, they have an online store. Miracle of miracles, they carry a long twill skirt, in size 20. Another forty five bucks, and that dark olive green long skirt should be arriving soon. You know, you just don't find long twill skirts anymore. Every one of the rare skirts available is too short or too narrow or too small. I couldn't resist. Owing to the rarity of the find, I do not feel 'guilty' about this.

But I've gotta quit. I've 'sacrificed' enough to the inner Goddess. Yes, She likes to be well clad, and maybe I've achieved that. But I've gotta stop now. Unless, of course, another lovely thing comes along in the perfect color, style and size. You know how it goes . . .

. . . how it goes. That's the world of current events. A 'rich bitch' breaks up with her boyfriend she was to wed last Sunday. Or did he break up with her? The saga of 'J-Lo' continues. Who cares? More people died. Johnny Cash cashed in his chips at 71 and John Ritter turned in an unexpected disappearance, 'courtesy' of a torn aorta. He was funny in Three's Company and better in In And Out. And wasn't he the 'demonic' father in one TV show? He'll be missed.

The struggles in California continue over who will be mayor. They may get a 'gubinator' 'Terminator' with an Austrian accent. Ah-nold wouldn't be the first actor to assume govermental leadership. If he can terminate their budgetary problems, more power to him. But maybe some less 'flashy' candidate might be better.

California is usually good for some quirky observation. And now back to the world at home. Julia sees the doctor Thursday. She gets her big 'heiny test' Thursday, too. So we are moving closer to knowing what the problem is.

It's time to check the horoscope. I've told you about 'the stars', now we'll see what's up above in the stars above. The Moon Phase says ''It's time to kick back a bit and relax. Reduce stress.'' Yes, that's something I can agree with. And I'm exhorted to ''Become more original and creative.''

That's cool. I think today will be a good day. I have that feeling of relaxed optimism. I'm going to trust it.

September 19, 2003

"Waiting and Hoping"
5:07am

Now is the time for patience. Well, always it is the time for patience. But today is one of those days that especially need it. I take a deep breath, and take another. I relax the muscles, especially the ones behind the eyes. I wait to see what the day will bring.

Yesterday was the day of Julia's doctor appointment and we THOUGHT the colonoscopy. No, the colonoscopy is such a big thing, she spent two hours just signing papers and getting prepared for it. They gave her a CD-ROM to watch concerning it. The test will be done Monday, the 29th. They'll go into her lower bowels with a camera device, looking for polyps. Polyps are any kind of growth. When they're found, the device has a mechanism to snip them off. All the growths are then collected and examined to see if there's cancer in them.

And they ARE worried about cancer. Julia's blood the Friday of her attack had extremely high white blood cell count, which is a warning sign. This morning, she will have another blood test, for which she has fasted.

To say we are scared is an understatement. All we can do is take each day as it comes. But we feel so inadequately prepared. The days of watching and waiting and hoping are here.

I take another deep breath and hope, and repeat the process.

September 20, 2003 A

"Not Behind Glass"
2:17am

I don't know as anything will come out of this attempt. I got up to relieve a sore back, and made a round of my groups. Now that I've greatly downsized the number I visit, my surfing time has decreased. And it's good. I don't want for poor Julia to be thinking the same thing Laura had often said, ''I see more of the back of your head than the front.'' Not that Julia would ever say it. Julia tends to hold everything in.

Laura was good for the explosive blast once in a while. I always knew what Laura was thinking. With Julia, I wonder. She may make subtle hints and then again, she may not.

Anyway, I hope to spend more of my free time with her, doing things she might like. We used to visit restaurants fairly often on the weekend. But Julia has not much appetite these days. Only soup appeals to her. I've come up with a solution. We'll go to the restaurants which offer soup! La Bella Vita, a good Italian restaurant, has three different kinds. It did my heart good to see Julia enjoying two bowls of 'pasta fazoole'. I had cream of broccoli, followed by cheesecake. I'm sure other places offer their own 'homemade' versions as well.

For soulfood, on Sunday is the Mabon gathering of our local pagan group. Interesting Greco-Roman dieties will be featured (Hekate and Dionysis among them), which should please both of us.

Not all our hours will be given to extroverted efforts however, for quieter pleasures at home, I've rented three videos. Bringing Down The House with Steve Martin and Queen Latifah was cute. Latifah proves a large gal can be sexy, and no skinny woman ever did the color red so much good. It was a fun show.

Next, we have the Banger Sisters, and Birthday Girl. Also, the big theater has Underworld, featuring romance between a vampire and a human, in the middle of a war between vampires and werewolfs. One fan called it 'Every Vampire/Werewolf fans wet dream'. And, indeed, fans of the fictional immortal vampire have been talking about this one for months. I suspect discussion groups devoted to such are busy right now.

But I'll not check them out to be sure. Real living is best experienced not behind glass. So that's what we'll be about this weekend.

September 20, 2003 B

"Summer Squash"
7:35pm

I'd never seen such oddly shaped vegetables before. Julia told me they were summer squash and her gramma used to serve them frequently. They appeared oddly oriental to me, and I was most curious as to their taste.

The taste was surprisingly familiar. I've eaten this sort of vegetable at the all-you-can-eat restaurants, and had no idea they came in such strange shapes, although Julia says squash also comes in a more cucumber like shape as well.

When cooked, they are juicy and soft. They have a pleasant mild taste, just nicely enhanced with only butter. We will have them more often.