July 11, 2005
"A Little Serious, A Little Playful"
8:32pm
It took some time to cool down. After some delicious blueberries and a nap, I was then in a better frame of body and mind. I tackled Ouspensky's In Search of the Miraculous and got to page forty two before my mind started wandering. Two quotes I wish to perserve:
"At this moment I want you to understand one thing: it is impossible to become free from one influence without becoming subject to another. The whole thing, all work on oneself, consists in choosing the influence to which you wish to subject yourself, and actually falling under this influence. And for this it is necessary to know beforehand which influence is the more profitable."(page 25)
This makes sense, yet I hadn't thought about it in just that way. Of course, there is the basic understanding, such as 'Choosing the influences' regarding which will help our Xeper more, reading articles which will stretch our mind or reading the latest gossip magazine to see what 'the stars' are doing. That is the basic understanding. But then it goes deeper. Perhaps only when you understand how you are being influenced is when you can attain a measure of independent separation. For Gurdjieff via Ouspensky also declares:
"If there is anything in a man able to resist external influences, then this very thing itself may also be able to resist the death of the physical body."(page 31)
As of page forty two, he is now beginning to cover the concepts Speeth did, but it is good to see them through another writer's eyes.
After the serious, I wish to be playful, and thus I find myself under the influence of a fun survey circulating the web.
Survey 'Stolen' from "Queen of Sin"
1. PICK ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
It's faded somewhat in the twenty five years I've had it. I was in college, attending summer classes, and living in a boarding house. Maybe twenty students shared a kitchen and three refrigerators. As several were foreign exchange students, rice pots were everywhere. I can't remember the meal I'd had that night, only that it required baking. The glass pyrex dish was crusted over, so it might have been a pork chop.
All my life I'd heard the admonition not to put a hot glass dish into cold water. I didn't think the wash water was that cold. Apparently it was. The extreme temperature contrast made the thing crack. But even as I saw the water turn red, I didn't quite make the connection that it was my blood turning it red.
Fortunately, a couple of the other boarders had, and they walked me to the student emergency center. It was a good thing they had, for I was in shock and not in any shape to recognize the severity of what had happened. The cut that broken glass had made was quite deep, and it required stitches.
It's a record from a strange and emotionally turbulent time in my life. I'd found myself put under stress, through what I perceived as extreme environmental change, going from a very sheltered, almost cloistered world to the 'worldly' world. But scars, physical and emotional, do heal.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
If I turn my head to the right, there is the painting I did in college which I got back from my mother's things. Behind me, two paintings I've long had.
This room is shaped like an 'L', and so on the far wall facing me, there is a painting Laura's mother did and a clock. On the return part of the 'L', which joins the wall directly facing me is another one of Eleanor's paintings. Then, on a narrow wall ridge is a plaque Julia placed, with a prayer to Cybele in Greek, a brass plate with the Hagia Sofia we found in an antique shop, a brass trivet with two birds I'd gotten from my mother's things, and another small brass plate, also from my mother's things.
3. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
4. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
5. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
6. WHAT DO YOU MISS AT TIMES?
7. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
9. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
10. IF YOU DIED TOMORROW?
11. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
(from my private journal, 7-9-05)
I have to remember to do deep breathing...
9:23am
I couldn't get him to shut up. He started sneering, "Where's your God now? He's supposed to be the 'Big Bad'. Where is he? Is he not powerful enough? Or is he just not interested? This conversation isn't amusing to him?..."
I was wishing I had a genuine cast iron or wrought iron tcham scepter so I could whack him. He wasn't going away. What I ended up was just let him ramble on. I said, "I can see you ain't going away. I don't seem to be able to make you go away. So I'm just going to go to sleep while you rant."
And that's what I did. Deciding to do this made his voice seem less loud, although I could 'hear' it in the background. Finally weariness overtook me and I fell asleep.
13. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same)?
14. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
15. DO YOU LIKE PORN?
16. WHAT ARE YOUR FIVE FAVORITE MOVIES?
17. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF GOING FOR YOUR HONEYMOON?
18. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
19. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
20. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)(WHO WASN"T RELATED TO YOU)?
21. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER(s)?
22. FAVORITE BAND(s)?
23. WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ?
24. FAVORITE DESSERT:
25. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE?
26. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PHRASE?
27. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING:
28. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
29. BLONDES, REDHEADS OR BRUNETTES?
30. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
31. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
32. HAVE YOU EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
33. WHO IS YOUR CURRENT CRUSH?
34. WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR?
35. SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN/TALKED TO IN A WHILE:
36. HAVE YOU EVER SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND NOT MEANT IT?
37. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
38. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS SURVEY?
Can you see the scar there, just below the bottom of my forefinger, four stitches worth?
Perhaps this survey is geared to students, who usually have only one room. I ask 'which room?', and decide I will start with the wall I'm facing now. There are four colored pencil drawings: two of characters in a vampire fiction story I wrote a couple of years ago, a fanciful drawing called 'Stitching the Dreams', and a portrait of my Mother. The mirror of the dresser to the right may not count, since it is attached to the dresser and not the wall.
Classical, world music, pop tunes. I like a variety.
According to the birth certificate, 10:06am, on a Monday.
Just to keep doing what I've been doing.
Right away, I think of my late Laura. I miss her a lot. Also,I wish I had spent more time with my mother before she died.
I 'prize' so many, it's hard to pick just one. Shall I then go for the non-material? Can I say I possess awareness? I will say that. Everything begins with that. Having a favorite material item is one thing, but it is the awareness of why that piece is favored which matters. Everything begins with awareness.
The smells of Julia's cooking. The smell of roses, of this one neat candle whose fragrance is called 'Lilith', the smell during a good rain.
Not especially.
Well, this could happen, so I try to make the most of each day.
Can I say this was a person? The aspect assumed an identity, but I'm rather certain it was my psyche doing this.
1:30am
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE/PERFUME?
I have figured out why I can't sleep. As I laid in bed, I got almost like a panic attack, wondering if some new terrorist thing had happened in the world. I checked BBC news, and there is just the update that they are studying the wreckage.
Weird, weird, weird. I went back to bed, and sure enough, that panic attack was waiting for me. So I went into 'automatic' mode, to see if I could get some insight. Death became a conscious entity and stood before me. He sneered, "I have taken almost everyone you love, I have taken your mother, your father, your spouse Laura, your gramma, I have taken them. There is nothing living that I won't take someday. I will take you someday..." I cried at these thoughts.
I never wear the stuff, but there's some that I like on others. Julia smells good in 'Tabu' or in essential oils like Jasmine.
Long is always nice, great swirling massive manes, but I'm flexible. Whatever looks good on the person.
Time number one (1987), in the studio apartment I had then. I can remember it in my mind's eye. I sort of took Laura by storm.
Time number two (1994), it was the brightly lit living room of our condo.
Well, I've seen very little of the stuff. I like the work of my own imagination far better!
1. Pirates of the Caribbean
2. Rocky Horror Picture Show
3. Phantom of the Opera
4. Lord of the Rings Trilogy
5. The Princess Bride
We didn't do anything traditional like that. But we've taken lots of nice trips together. The recent outing to LA for the Tut show was one.
I'm not sure. They could have been very good at hiding it. So I dunno.
No, a few words of this and that do not count.
Being, as I say 'not traditional', I will go with the first 'date' oriented type gift. It was a necklace with a butterfly on it. I think I still have it somewhere, though I've never worn it.
Josh Groban, Haris Alexiou, Melina Kana (the last two are Greek singers who sing with much passion.)
Well, I am showing my 'age' with this: Queen, Fleetwood Mac, Styx, Santana.
Non fiction these days, though I have much enjoyed the vampire fiction of Anne Rice.
Any of those luscious things 'River City Grill' has involving chocolate: cakes, mousses, brownies, etc.
I don't. The only way tolerable is in those fancy capuccino drinks with lots of whipped cream and chocolate.
(I can't think of one.)
Yes
Just tell them and often.
No preference either way.
I don't really use the phone that much, so 'often' isn't a word that really applies. Julia's work would be the most frequent, I suppose.
Stupid drivers who cut in front of you, and nearly cause accidents.
No.
I don't really have one, although Johnny Depp is quite hot.
Being helpless.
Hello! I hope you are doing well and having fun.
Not really.
Nope, not for me, I'll just stay jowly and droopy. I'm cool with it.
Reading that Ouspensky book.
July 14, 2005
"A Little Pondering, A Little Sketching"
7:49pm
Note the tail which looks like a serpent
Horse bit pieces, Iran, Luristan, Iron Age II-III (c. 1000-650 BCE) Bronze
This morning, I had bit of throat clearing, and Julia replied, "You're speaking Flemish!" (Phlegm-ish)
(Well, I thought it was kind of cute.)
The French artist Matisse gave some words I like:
"Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us."
It is always a struggle against that fog, and yet it is the struggle which transforms us.
While I read a few more pages in the Ouspensky book, Julia parked herself at my computer. I quit reading and caught her mid-pondering:
July 16, 2005
"A Grecian Beauty"
4:42pm
"The evolution of man is the evolution of his consciousness. And 'consciousness' cannot evolve unconsciously. The evolution of man is the evolution of his power of doing, and 'doing' cannot be the result of things which 'happen'" (page 58)
I am slowly processing the Lacma museum photos. They have an exquisite statue of Athena. Perhaps they got it 'on sale' as her nose is damaged and her arms are missing.
The Hope Athena
Italy, Ostia, 2nd century A.D. after a Greek original of the 5th century B.C.
Marble, Height: 86 in. (218.4 cm)
The sculptor of this work may have seen numerous older Greek and Roman copies based on a prototype Athena of classical Greece. By examining its Grecian prototype, we understand this figure embodies the identity of her city, Athens, to whom she was patron. This Goddess of wisdom and military victory held in her left hand a spear, and in her right a Nike, a winged personification of victory.
July 17, 2005
"Just Desserts"
7:48am
It was after midnight before everything was in. (A scarcity of dryers, so some items had to wait...)
This morning, I was reading OGP and his piano adventures. All those old victorian songs, I can't relate to that. But I'd sure love a play through of all those songs I played in the 70's, Gordon Lightfoot's 'If You Could Read My Mind', the rock classic 'Stairway to Heaven', Burt Bacharach tunes, 'Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head', old operetta tunes like songs from 'The Sound of Music', easy classical pieces, that Bach tune 'Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring', (so change the diety to one you like, heh heh, 'Athena, Joy of Man's Desiring'??? Grin!) Beethoven's 'Ode to Joy', the Masterpiece theater song, Joni Michell's 'Both Sides Now', yeah, I remember all of those. Maybe someday I'll get a electronic piano and enjoy those again, if I can find them.
Now to get ready and go see Willy Wonka!
This movie was such a delight, it's among my very favorites, maybe even among the top ten.
Afterwards, we were hungry, so we tried out the new Chili's restaurant nearby. We walked there, as it's in the same mall. But, oh, is it hot! Neither of us wanted huge portions, especially because of the heat. So we split a single rack of the honey barbecued ribs, and asked for a side of vegetables. The waiter was slow to understand this request, as apparently few ask for this. But this amount of food completely satisfied us. It was quite tasty.
After walking back in the extreme heat, (117°F /47°C) , I didn't want to venture into that oven of a car, so we dashed into the Penney's and of course, I walked right up to a selection of Hawaiian shirts. Of course, I bought one, after releasing it from its pinnings and trying it on.
After heading home, I dove into a tub of cool water, well as cool as the water could be.
I've just answered my craving for pumpkin pie. I figure that's my 'just desserts'. I hope you are keeping comfy where ever you are and that the weather is not wretched.
July 18, 2005
"A Bit of Beauty"
6:06am
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Find beauty all around.
Do not let terror win.
