"Lessons For Myself"
June 28, 1999
"Blue Monday"
"Blue Monday"
'Tis a blue Monday. Not much to do about it. It will pass. I do worry about Laura. She's not been getting enough rest. I need to learn not to be so demanding of her attentions so she can rest. The only question, will others do likewise?Go Forward...I was feeling pretty low yesterday. I won't go into all the gory, nasty, yucky details. But this evening, I feel something rising from the ashes.
June 29, 1999
"Getting There"
(one of those random things....)
LESSONS FOR MYSELFThe hard way up is the hard way back.
But you've been here before!I shall let loose of all this now,
drop it all to the floor.
Maybe a silver sieve
will rescue the good things.
I am a good thing.
I affirm that now.
A heaviness leaves
and will not return.
A burden shouldered is set down.
I'll put the burden out with the trash.
I put my wings on again.
I'll fly.
(This is a waking conversation Julia and I had this morning:)
June 30, 1999
"It's All in How You Define It"
JOAN - "Soon it's time to get up and slay dragons!"JULIA - "Maybe I'll just dance with them"
JOAN - "Yes, you can put lively music on and when they fall from exhaustion and you're still dancing, you can beat them that way!"
JULIA - "Maybe I'll fall from exhaustion first."
JOAN - "Well, if that's the way you define the victory conditions!" (A state of supine rest to be preferred over great industry!)
Maybe the heat is why my tummy is queasy. At 4:00 o'clock, in the shade of the porch, it's 111 degrees (44C). We're thinking of going AWAY to somewhere COOLER for the weekend. It would be nice not to roast. San Diego is luring us with thoughts of the ocean and the zoo . . .
July 1, 1999
"Can't Let Her Show Me Up"
But the day wasn't all lost to the heat. Early in the morning I went with Laura to bring Julia to work. (The Pontiac is in the shop, awaiting fixing of a coolant hose.) On the way back, Laura moved over and we traded places. It had been a long time since I'd tried driving the stick shift car. I'd rather given up on it, except for a couple of cases when I did some highway driving in which Laura did the gear shifting for me. I timidly found it all rather scary, and was only too eager to let it be Laura's job. After all, she was the one who had insisted on this car type. But Shayna's bravely learning, without so much as one nervous titter. Can't have her show me up, you know. So I had at it again, and was surprised that I hadn't forgotten my earlier training. The whole ride home would have been rather uneventful, except that another car flashed us down. "Oh, no, WHAT am I doing wrong?" But, no, it was a very gracious man who informed us our right front tire was low. FLAT, as a matter of fact. He even put the small spare on for us. The old tire looked like the tread was still good, but when the tire shop man looked at it, it had cracked open. Sixty seven bucks later, we have a new tire.
I'm even making better production with my sewing. I'd do more, if it weren't for the heat. But I'm doing what I can. For I discovered a nasty little ad in the paper in which I advertise. I have competition! Can't let the competition get the better of me, you know. We'll also have a flyer printed out, which James will distribute along with his window washing business flyers. As he's doing his own anyway, it will cost very little extra effort. So that should help.
But meanwhile, I'm looking forward to a relaxing long weekend . . .
July 2, 1999
"Such A Mystery"
Such A Mystery On this empty plain,
I look about.
All around me are whispering echoes.
The buzz, like cicadas,
haunts me and becomes my music.
If I knew what they meant,
I'd sift through the sands.
But they'd be as the grains that edge the ocean.
I'll let them remain unsolved, unsorted.
The sounds shall wash upon my ear whole,
for I have become a wide beach
stretching along this vast sea.
Delineating definations are blurred,
I am both question and answer,
the vastness of me,
such a mystery.
I listen to the cicadas.
JAL, 7-2-99 Yes, I'm dreaming of the ocean and the beach. We're hoping to have a good weekend in San Diego, where lies those beaches. It might be more difficult than what we expect. Laura's Mother and Glen went there today and say the motel rooms are exceedingly scarce, because of the weekend holiday.
But I suspect this will not discourage us. So you'll likely not hear from me for a few days. I'll be taking lots of pictures and notes for journal entries, however.
