June 19, 2000
"Helpless"
Julia, poor Julia, I was wrong about Julia. She can't lift her head backwards. It could well be a neurological thing, but she has to wait until July 6th to see a neurologist. Our good Doctor Eichler can't make it any sooner. Julia cries out at night from the pain. During the day, she paces the floor, wild eyed. She can't work, of course, but we don't know how much medical leave she has.
We feel so helpless.
June 20, 2000
"Grateful For Small Things"
I was never so happy to see gray skies. At least the weather was kind to us as Julia and I made our journey from Casa Grande to Tucson, in the car with unreliable air conditioning. I'm in the waiting room, now. It's full of people of all ages and sizes. Julia's in another waiting room, much smaller, as she waits to have her neck X-rayed.
The hydrocodone the doctor called in for her didn't do the job last night. None of us got much sleep, as Julia screamed in pain and thrashed wildly, sending earthquake-like tremors through out the bed. Laura put several different linamints on Julia's neck and shoulder, and we returned to bed. Julia still wasn't comfortable but was able to get a little fitful sleep, despite tossing about, though not with the earlier violence.
I gave up and dragged blanket and pillow to the sofa. On a smaller, but immobile surface, I finally got some sleep, so I'd be refreshed enough for the long drive today. Laura got less sleep than I, for she had bad angina during the night and this morning, as well. She was in no shape for travel, and stayed home.
But at least the weather is cool. One has to be grateful for small things.
June 22, 2000
"Just A Tad Triumphant"
How many times have I walked past the filthy bathroom and kitchen floors, observing the rising piles of dark gray matter in the corners and edges? Each time I looked at it, I could 'hear' that dirt mocking me ''I'm bigger than you, yes, I am.'' And indeed it did seem that way. How many months had it been since I'd scrubbed it? Had it been six months? Had it been a year?
I got tired of feeling small. I got tired of those depressing thoughts, ''Shah, we don't even know whether we'll be able to even KEEP this house. Do I want to bother?'' Then the words of who might now be the patron saint of slobs, Quentin Crisp, came to me. ''After four years, the dirt doesn't get any worse.'' (possibly very roughly paraphrased). He was famous for never cleaning his small room in New York city. But this was at worst only ONE year of slovenliness. I didn't really want to see what four years of it would look like.
Then I'd consider my achy fingers and knees. Did I really want to get down on the floor in the middle of all that dirt, and start scrubbing? Still, it began to depress me each time I'd see those fuzzy, crusty corners.
Yesterday, I pondered this growing state of depression. Laura went off to visit Serena. Laura isn't able to scrub floors anymore. She gets winded just making the bed. And Julia, you know all she can manage is drinking tea and breathing right now. It was too much like letting Helina win, just to let the house filth over, because he might get it in the long run. No, this wasn't about the HOUSE, it's about our ENVIRONMENT! And he doesn't and won't ever own our environment! That's ours, we make our environment!
And I went and got the pail and filled it with water and soap, and the scrub brush . . .
This morning, the floors feel good to my bare feet., and I feel just a tad triumphant.
June 23, 2000
"Always Seventeen"
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Hot summer night,
(lyric snippets from "HEART OF THE OCEAN"
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June 24, 2000
"A Prayer"
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Let loose with a prayer,
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June 25, 2000
"Wise Resourcefulness"
This common prayer was referred to in an article I chanced to read from a freebie newspaper that's tossed by our front gate every Sunday. Common it is, yet it speaks of an uncommon truth necessary for peace of mind. Fret I do, about the various problems facing us. The worrisome questions pile up, demanding answers we can only wait to learn. We don't want to name such fears, but they're there, haunting, whether given voice to or not. What if Julia has a permanent condition, and doesn't get well? Will she ALWAYS be in pain? She would need to go on disability. But the process of qualifying takes a long time. We wouldn't be able to secure a mortgage to pay off Helina's share of the house. We'd have to sell the house (Glen and Mother would have to fend for themselves), and take whatever percentage of the profits the court awards us. We'd then need to purchase a much smaller place. But we've filled this house full of books and various items that we wouldn't have room for. How much stuff can we jettison?"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."'Serenity Prayer'', from Alcoholics Anonymous
What if we have to declare bankruptcy?
Relentless questions, yet an answer has to be given for each worst possibility. So we assign answers, and hope for the best. The painkillers help Julia for a while, and she's sleeping better at nights. That is hopeful. However, we haven't heard yet from the doctor on the X-ray results. Surely something must show. I swear Julia's neck seems shorter than it used to be. Is that my imagination? She doesn't see the neurologist until the sixth of July.So I pray and I wait. And I pray and I wait. And seeking what things I could change, I went through my books and CDs. I've acquired more than I'd thought I had of things I can live easily without. Each thing I turn into Bookman's for trade credit makes that much more space. So far, nearly forty CDs, a crate of old Arizona Highways magazines, and two stacks of books are designated for the next trip to Bookman's. This is what I CAN do. Each positive action strikes out against the sense of helplessness. I am a resourceful person. We are a resourceful family.
We will do what we must.
June 26, 2000
"A Fun Survey"
Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new email that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little-known facts about your friends. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Enjoy!I might be kind of lazy. Rather than emailing everyone, I'm just placing it here in the journal. Of course, I'd be delighted if you answered it, and sent me a copy. OR, if you have an online journal, and wish to use that medium, give me the URL. Here we go:
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LIVING ARRANGEMENT? Three of us, nice and cozy. We could get MORE cozier in the future! Hah! WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Too busy reading online journals (a living, growing vital medium) to bother with itty bitty print on paper that seems a little remote from the author. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Rain drop beads on a dark blue background. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Scrabble FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Arizona Highways, but I like Discover as well FAVORITE SMELLS? The smell of my spouses' scalp, food cooking, the desert after a rain, fragrant flowers FAVORITE SOUNDS? Happy laughter, favorite music, rain on a roof WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Like everything's gone wrong, and it's all my fault. And, of course, when somebody you love dies. That's maximum worst. I was talking everyday worst. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? What we gonna do today? WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE POET: Joan Lansberry! (geez, what an egotist, but I understand my stuff, if few others do! Hah! Seriously, though, the poems do record the moods and moments of my life...so that earns the spot...OTHER POETS???? I'm not a TOTAL egotist... Rumi, Sappho, Walt Whitman, Emily Dickenson.... DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI: On occasion, but I prefer the tastier flowers. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE: One in which I could make a difference in people's lives, and have lots of time off, as well! Okay, so I'm lazy! IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR: I wouldn't, but you can ask me again when it's gray. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes, oh, yes, yes, yes! IF THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Usually half full, but If I'm moody that day, half empty! WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SNAPPLE? That stuff is too darn sweet. Give me the real juice. FAVORITE MOVIES? Galaxy Quest, The Princess Bride, Powder, Field of Dreams, Dead Poets Society, and Rocky Horror Picture Show. Give me time, I can think of some more! ARE YOU A LEFTY OR RIGHTY? Mostly righty, except for my mousing. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? when I do it right! (og o fpmy oy ;ppld ;olr yjod!) WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? The bed is flush with ground...so carpet! WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? Ten and seven. This is because I was told once they were my lucky numbers. Sheer stuperstition, I know! ROLLER COASTER: SCARY OR EXCITING? Scary HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? It depends on where I am and what I am doing FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME: Not going to be any! As I'm forty-one, this is safe to say! FUTURE SON'S NAME: As I said before, there's not going to be any! FAVORITE FOODS: Pizza, toasted bagels with butter, baked fresh salmon, watermelon, potatoes, nuts and raisins... CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Vanilla. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE: No, it just is a necessary evil, but I'm glad I can. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? No Or could I say, only if Laura is overfed and feeling frisky! STORMS: COOL OR SCARY? Cool! There's a neat energy there. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1976 light blue Ford Maverick IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE? Just one? I can't really pick... FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Irish Creme Liquor, but I can't drink that stuff any more. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? That depends on Sidereal or the regular method of figuring it. By regular method, Scorpio. By sidereal, Libra FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Figure Skating SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? She is a very special person who I'm glad to have in my life. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND: ??? PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: ??? OK - SEND IT OFF! REMEMBER TO INCLUDE THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU. JUST EMAIL ME!
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A Happy Morning Surprise!
Laura cradling tiny orange tabby cat, with our dog Max looking on
June 27, 2000
"Crystal Clear Advice"
Mandala doodle, ©JAL
Laura was in that ill-fated position today at breakfast. Her foot now sports an ugly gash about two inches long. It's deep and it hurts. I won't even bother describing the mess the plate of food and glass of grape juice made. It's good we don't have pale carpet. Still, that's minor compared to what her tender pale pink flesh looks like.
The damage could have been even worse. Learn from us, buy the cheapest wooden or metal or god forbid, CARDBOARD table if you must. Just DON'T buy glass! Okay?
'Nuff said.
June 28, 2000
"Only By His Spells"
Giannissi in one of his 'weaker moments' . . .
So Razhann is as proud as an High Elf can be of this accomplishment, which as you might know, is no little pride! However, Giannissi, my wizard, is barely only sixteenth level, and he wants to right this situation. He made a journey with Maxima, a tenth level human Monk to the cold world of Halas, where the rough and tough Barbarians live. He'd been a bit reluctant to leave warmer lands, but he had enough worry for his friend and curiousity about new places to make the trip. Those hardy Barbarians, in their deer headdresses and often painted with blue wode, hold a certain attraction for the delicate and fairer Giannissi. He's not physically strong, not even half as strong as the Barbarians, for it's only by his spells that he lives. There's plenty of challenging beasties up there in the north lands, as the picture attests to. And, ever vain that he is, he loves the way his red robe shows up against all that white snow.
There's a tale, too, about how he acquired that red robe. Zzarian, an upstart Erudite, wished to challenge his skills of wizardry. The Erudites, famed for their intellectual prowess, are even more prideful than the High Elves, and Zzarian journeyed to the Elven lands of Faydark to do battle there. Surely he would outshine Giannissi, and soon pass him by. This did not happen, however. The poorly sighted Erudite declared he now knew why they call it the FAYDARK, and overcome with an extreme sense of inadequacy (he couldn't see ANYthing at night), packed his bags and went home to Momma. He did, however, gift Giannissi with his red robe before he left! Red robes can only be bought in Erudin, city of the Erudites, as Felwithe, home of Elven wizards, offers just green robes.
On that day of misfortune, Giannissi did have far more successes overall. Ordinarily, the enemy doesn't last long against his 'Flame Shock' spell or his 'Shock of Lightening'. They'd simply ganged up on him and his friend that day. He'll get his revenge. Giannissi is certain his 'flaming' ways will do well on the baddies in Halas.
June 29, 2000
"Settled In To Stay Awhile"
'Catkin', sweet and alert . . .
After Shayna's death, the cateau was empty with the absence of her multitudinous cats. We could not care for forty cats. It was a sadness, as Shayna had taken in feral cats who were diseased. All forty of those cats were vulnerable to that disease, and hence could not be adopted out. Helina came the first day after Shayna's death and took any we might try to keep ourselves. There were a couple special ones we'd have tended 'til the disease claimed them. The rest, no one would want ill cats. We knew that when we called the humane society. They came with their big white truck and we knew what the cats' future would be. But nothing else could be done.
So it's been a heartache every time we looked out the window and saw the empty cateau. Now this little lively and vocal guy is brightening it up. I wanted to name him 'Bantus', after one of my Everquest characters, but Laura, who spoke first, insisted on naming it 'Catkin'. Shayna called herself that, choosing it for her middle name. He's a charming thing, whatever his name.