June 16, 2003

"Missing Laura"

Before you read this long poem of missing Laura, I want to emphasize how grateful I am that Julia is in my life. I could not bear the lonliness if it were not for her gentle comfort.

So keeping that in mind, I'll now present the rather long poem:

Mystery Hold Me Is this mystery? How can I know? Lonely call to the wind waits for answer. Come embodied, fine robes not necessary. Come as you are and listen. Am I wretched to need? But the hunger makes me feel alive, so I shall embrace the pain. But I'd rather embrace the ear that listens. YOU, wherever you are, can I know? Are YOU there? Mad craving, or purifying test, we shall see. All wisdom waits for the next lesson of what I shall do. How to proceed? LAURA, LAURA, Oh surely now I know Death is final. You would come if you could. The silence I hear answers my question. I will let those weaker have their faith. Oh for fifteen years, I am grateful. That I hunger for more is no shame, either. How can they be blamed, who want to pull heaven to earth, and let the dead walk? I do not blame them. But Laura is GONE, GONE, GONE. I know She warned me, she surely did, ''Beware those who invent fancy!'' I know. It hurts, none the less. I cannot re-invent her. That she existed at all is marvel enough, I know. But the night is long and the tears fall. No reason, but need. Think that is enough. So this night time lament shall have to suffice. Laura, I will always miss you. If any part of you still remained, you would know. You tried to tell me enough while you were alive. I salute your wisdom now. Skeptics may rejoice. I hate them still. No, 'hate' isn't the word. I just wanted more. Growing up is hard. I'll soon find the way. You did leave clues. Others have left clues. I know I'll pick them up and learn. But on this night of missing you, I'll claim all the pain that is mine. If you were not who you were, I would not miss you so. And that is the richness of it. So I shall put on my bright clothes, carry myself well and proud. For I know not what the future holds, but I know what the past has held. I am no poor widow. So then, I shall go to the public places, bearing a smile. I shall learn strength, and I will bear this well. All that I am is seeking to come to you. But you have left seeds, and they have grown. Who knows what flowering now I touch was inspired by your hand? Who knows? The Mystery holds its own. Hold me, oh Mystery until that day. I will hold me, until that day. I will look for your face in another, something of your smile, something of your joy, something of your pride. The mystery knows. The long night I will not fear. The mystery holds its own. Hold me, Oh mystery, and I will hold me. JAL, 6 - 15 - 03

Recieving this poem was very cathartic. I cried many tears. But there is a quiet confidence, forged in the dark night. Healing and transformation will occur. Until that day, the Mystery will hold me, and I will hold me.

If you have read through that very long poem, I embrace your 'ear', too. Perhaps when the long night of lonliness comes to YOU, you will not feel so alone. You'll sense the tracks others have left in this dark forest, and it will not be so bad.

As I said at the beginning, I am grateful for Julia and all our friends. They truly do make it bearable. Blessings to all, where ever you might be.

June 17, 2003

"And Now For Some Fun"

Yes, it's time to turn my (and YOUR) attention to fun things. I was greatly amused taking various tests last night. One was What Mythological Creature Are you? I took the test twice, altering what questions I wavered on and got the same result:

Kinda SEXY eyes, don't you think?
I took the What Mythological Creature Are you? test by !

The next two tests start with the assumption of what basic breed of Mythological Creature one is, and then works on the subvarieties.


Ain't those BAT wings cool?
I am a A Mithril Dragon!

I took the http://dragonhame.com online Inner Dragon quiz and found out I am a Mithril Dragon on the inside.

In the war between good and evil, Mithril Dragons take the side of the noble and good....
When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner dragon walks a fine line between Law and Chaos....
As far as magical tendancies, Magical spells come as natural to the Mithril Dragon as breathe from its body....
During combat situations, a true Mithril Dragon prefers to defeat opponents by the use of spells and other tactics....
Mithril Dragons build and dwell in castles of crystal, high in the mountainous regions. A Mithril Dragon is honest and gentle.
Mithril Dragons are armored with highly reflective scales. To see one in bright sunshine has the effect of looking at a multi-ton, 150 ft. long disco ball.
They tend to smile frequently but rarely laugh aloud. Mithril's dislike violence. A Mithril Dragon is very selective when choosing close friends, but is generally admired by all. A Mithril Dragon leads a very quiet and unobtrusive life. Never judgmental, the great Mithril Dragon's feelings run deep and true. Mithril Dragons mate for life.

This Dragons favorite elements are: Mithril, Earth, and Courage

Entirely cool, I think! Another test does not work with species of dragon, but merely the COLOR. I don't see any reason why those lovely wings and 'highly reflective scales' couldn't be GREEN, do you?

As the vast Forests that protect our Planet, your Dragon color is... GREEN Your INNER DRAGON is the embodiment of Nature and the Earth. Greens spend almost all of their time below the canopy or just above the treetops in tropical rain forests. Not a bad life considering every other creature in the forest looks up to you, figuratively and literally. You speak the language of every animal and plant in your domain and know most of them by first name. If people mess with your forests, you're more than happy to wail on their puny butts. Because of your protector/caretaker role, you are the Earth Elemental dragon. Naturally your whole life pretty much revolves around the other couple million species you keep an eye on, but that's not your whole dragon. You also like to like to impose your steadfast will on others, commune with Nature, and lobby governments for alternative fuels and conservation. Your favorable attributes are Midnight, Winter, gemstones, mountains, caves, soil, respect, endurance, responsibility, prosperity, and purpose in life. Folks shouldn't get the idea you're a hippy pushover though, because your breath weapon is a nasty Fire/Acid combination. Maybe you should invest in a hemp shirt reading "Don't knock my smock, or I'll clean your clock." *wink* http://www.geocities.com/teo592/quiz/dragon.html

I like that! Protect the forests and jungles!
Roar-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!

Cast mighty spells!
Roar-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!
Roar-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!

Roar-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!

June 18, 2003

"Kicking The Habit"

The mind attuned to finding magic in one's life finds it in the most unlikely places. I've had on mind kicking the habit of overeating, while a co-member on one of my magical lists has a habit on which he is working.

Perhaps it is this synchronicity that inspires me. I arrived at work very early this morning and waited in the nearby laundromat to pass the time before the co-worker with the key arrived. I happened to notice a small doll's boot sitting on the shelf, no doubt forgotten by a child whose parents were washing their clothes.

The thought came to me, ''Kicking a bad habit! This child's toy shall now have magical significance.''

While my hands were busy with job tasks, part of my brain was left to ponder this finding. 'Kicking a bad habit', but WAIT! I don't want to use the word 'BAD'. This gets in the way of what I'm trying to accomplish. It brings JUDGMENT with it. I remember all the times I've thought of myself as being 'good' if I ate my vegetables and skipped dessert and all the times I've thought of myself as being 'bad' if I ate a candy bar. Oh how utterly 'beyond redemption' I felt when I once ate five five inch long (13c) candy bars in one sitting.

Applying judgment to my actions brings a moral slap that is counter-productive to obtaining the results I want, for each time I heard 'bad', my self esteem was picked at a bit and my undesirable habit was re-inforced. The reasoning goes as follows: ''No name is 'bad', so No name does 'bad' things'' but this engenders a cycle, whereby ''No name does more 'bad' things, because No name is 'bad' ''. The cycle just digs in deeper and deeper. I, seeking to liberate myself from this common trap, WILL observe when such a process is beginning and stop it.

So next I thought of 'kicking unproductive habits'. But I quickly abandoned that, as the habits we wish to kick are precisely so because they are VERY productive - OF THINGS WE DO NOT DESIRE!

So then I changed it to 'kicking STUPID habits', but this is using imprecise speech, as I don't wish to malign those not intellectually gifted. 'Kicking DUMB habits' is even worse, for then I malign those unable to speak.

What I was aiming for in the last two attempts is 'kicking that which is not in our rational self interests'. But that is too broad, as many more things than just habits fall into that category.

Then I settled on 'Kicking Unwise Habits'. But this word seems to have a long bony finger of pointy judgment, as well.

VIOLA!

I WILL 'KICK UNDESIRABLE HABITS'! This works! It is my mind which knows WHY they are undesirable.

As Nancy Sinatra's boots 'were made for walking', this boot is made for kicking. I will KICK those actions which do not produce the results I want OUT of my life. It will take good aim, as toe and eye must have good co-ordination.

But I will envision those things in my life I no longer want to do. I no longer, in the habit of humility, will use self-deprecating terms to describe myself. Words have power, and by using those terms, I am helping to bring those characteristics forth in myself.

I WILL use positive terms. If there is something I want to change in myself, I WILL focus on positive steps I can do to change it. I have a rational mind and recognize there are things about myself I would like to change which aren't possible to change. For instance, I cannot lift fifty pounds due to arthritic joints. But even in these matters, I WILL keep the focus positive by rejoicing in what I CAN do. So I can't lift the five gallon bottles of water, we have three gallon bottles for that purpose. Three gallon bottles are hoisted without great difficulty.

If it is something that can be changed, I WILL have my mind open at all times to observe how I might implement this goal. With this awareness, it is possible to act upon my goal and further the change I seek.

I take a deep breath, and focus again on what I want to accomplish. I (deep breath) WILL keep my vision clear. I (deep breath) WILL keep my mind alert. I (deep breath) WILL act upon what I observe.

So Mote It Be!

June 19, 2003

"Silence = Death"

Ofra Haza
Nov. 19, 1957 - Feb. 23, 2000

What can I say? That it has been over three years for the truth of this to come to light is a shame. Ofra Haza, a singer with her magnificant voice, oh surely, the world should have known.

I would never have known, except for a brief mention in the tiny script of Sarah Brightman's liner notes for her 'Harem' album. ''Special thanks to Ofra Haza. We miss you. May your spirit live on through your beautiful voice.''

We don't exactly live with our heads in the sand. If the news had been reported here in the States, we'd have heard it. But it wasn't. And there is a reason it wasn't.

SILENCE = DEATH

Surely, it did in Ofra's case. Despite all the wealth that could have paid for any amount of medical attention, Ofra suffered in silence, never revealing to anyone the source of her illness. It was her families wishes that the cause of her death should be cloaked.

But the cause of her death was more than just a virus with the name of AIDS. No! She could have gone to the hospital, but she suffered in silence and shame. She only sought help when death was already assured and spent thirteen days on dialysis and respirator.

The following is from an article Ha'aretz published three months after Ofra died, when her husband took his life with a drug overdose. ''The medical panel that investigated Haza's death published its findings three months ago. Its report said that:

if Haza had admitted herself to hospital earlier, her life might have been saved. But Haza, fearful that her condition would become public knowledge, refused to go to the hospital, even when her situation had become very serious.''

Think now, what a legacy of shame can do! Ofra's family didn't want the truth out and tried to sue Ha'aretz for publishing the cause of her death.

Did they think this was proper punishment for a woman who didn't play by their rules?

I found the following on the web: ''She was Israel's first female pop idol,'' said Benny Dudkevitch, Israel radio's pop music editor.

Her signature song was the defiant 1979 hit, ''The Tart's Song,'' a celebration of being everything - funny, flirtatious, consumerist - a young woman of the time was not supposed to be, with the chorus declaring, ''I wanna shout out loud, `I'm a tart!'' '

And tarts aren't 'respectable'. 'Polite society' (what an oxymoron!) speaks of them in hushed tones. If in any way they should falter, 'Polite society' speaks in hushed tones, ''Well, that's what they get for not following the rules.''

It's a bug, a dammed impartial bug that doesn't care how it replicates. It's just a bug. And it's a bug that killed a beautiful singer far much sooner than it might have!

And never mind it might have been first acquired by her husband and she the 'perfect' chaste one, faithful to only him!

'Polite society' said ''HUSH!''

SILENCE = DEATH

I think now Laura, I finally understand your anger. I did not then, and you can not know now. But maybe you had some idea then I would later know. Yes, I must believe you did.

Yes, I'm sure you did.
And now I am angry, too!

I shall not be silent!

Those whose lips can never move again,
those whose hands will never type again,
I will speak for you!