June 7, 2003

"In The Courtyard"

In The Courtyard Of The Respectable What am I, standing outside your courts? I, who have feigned respectability for so long, I do not know. But I have burped loudly in the public places, ate too much of the red, the green, and the blue. I eat color like some eat, well those who eat like that feel guilty about it. I am learning not to feel guilty about it, although the light burns me so. Small price, is it, for this vision? Still, I am standing outside your courthouse, thinking maybe you are not the one that will judge me. I don't know. You have built such tall walls. I cannot stand here long. Noon is coming and the shadows grow short. I will go away now. But I will carry something of your flowers with me. You see, I ate the colors, I ate the fragrance, I took them into me as fiercely as I could. I'll return to the night sky and her gentle moon. Maybe I will come back again to your courtyard, and its high walls, and fragrant gardens. I would leave a message, but don't know how to reach you. Yet, if you try me in the nighttime, I'll be there. Hair adrape and scandalous, I shouldn't be hard to find. JAL, 6 - 7 - 03

 
June 8, 2003

"A Brief Lament"

It's the #4 in that image of the sinuses that hurts so bad . . .

It's the 'maxillary sinuses' that hurt the worst. And I think #1, the 'sphenoid sinuses', are rather irritating me, too. The #1's aren't shown in the frontal view. It's the area just to the outside of my eyes. They could be the #1 source of the pain. Maybe that's why the artist of this image labelled them the #1 irritant.

Oh, and I feel the #3's, the 'frontal sinuses' just above my eyes acting up, too. And, oh, I just plain feel like crap. There's no purpose for this journal entry except to make a very loud lament.

But I shall make it a BRIEF lament.

I was going to end this journal entry here. But then, curious, I looked at my horoscope. It advises:

You're at a cross roads. One direction leads to self-pity. To travel the other path requires that you break some old habits now.

To cure the sense of being 'lonely and isolated', I'm advised it 'is a time for silent work and a going within.' I can agree, yesterday's poem is full of 'lonely isolation'. And the horoscope writer is right, self pity DOESN'T make it better. It's not making my sinus pain any better, that's for sure.

So I will visit again with you when I feel better. Until then, YOU stay well!

 
June 10, 2003 - A

"As Peaceful As Possible"

Still with sinus headache, I am practicising deep breathing to relax myself. If I am relaxed, the pain is not so bad. Do I put my mind somewhere else than the pain, or do I face it direct on? Which is less stressful? Is it better to simply acknowledge it, and NOT FIGHT it? Does the action of grimly 'fighting it' produce the very stress that makes it worse?

As I sit here on an early Tuesday morning, this seems to be the case. So I will not waste my energy. The pain and I will co-exist as peacefully as possible.

 
June 10, 2003 - B

"As Messy As Possible?"

The beautifully neat and cozy computer area of a fellow journaller has inspired me to capture my area digitally. There is no comparison!

my computer area . . .

The first thing you may notice is the pile of papers shoved sloppily into the shelf. Then it's the open colored pencil box, never put away after my last art project. On the small table with the fan, you can see the high stack of CDs, never put away, but just added to.

The jewel case on top of the pencil box is empty. It should hold a CD-rom of a computer program that I've just let sit in the CD-rom tray, even though I was finished with that program days ago.

Of course, there is the ever present paper hankerchief. Though crumbled, it is clean, at least. Underneath it, is a paper for scratch notes. A paper with the schedule of the local public radio station is haphazardly taped to the shelves holding the stereo. The paper taped to the top of the monitor is one of Laura's handiworks. It is a printout of all the specs on this computer.

And observing it all is Vashan. He's an immortal vampire who, having been raised by vamps, has never before seen a human being, except for the briefest of contacts in the bus station. So he observes all I do at the computer with great fascination.

He thinks I should be neater, too! (Wink!)

 
June 11, 2003

"Having Fun Yet?"

Perhaps with my messy ways, it is only natural I am most like the Goddess of CHAOS. I was rather amused by the results of this test:

Volatile, violent, a sexual animal, ego the size of a small planet, completely unpredictable

The Goddess Chaos: Wild, uncontrolled, unpredictable, crazed, represented by the color RED and the element fire. Her only constant is that she's never constant. Prone to losing her considerable temper, but her attention span is so short that she rarely actually remembers to punish anyone. A complete hedonist. Which Goddess Owns You? brought to you by Quizilla

However, although I can lose my temper, I'm not really violent. Being violent really isn't much fun. It creates misery, which creates more misery, which in turn creates more misery. It is to be avoided if at all possible. (A devilish part of me wants to add ''Unless the filthy, rotten steenking bastid deserves it!'' I DO try to ignore that very, very small part of me.)

My ego, also, isn't 'the size of a small planet', either. However, perhaps if I feed it some more, it COULD be!

I agree with this bit of wisdom that crossed my path today:

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Oh, yes, I'm quite blessed to be easily amused. I like to bring to life as much fun as possible. I don't know as I've reached the ecstacy of being 'a complete hedonist', however. Perhaps perfection in some traits is not unattainable, but nevertheless it is a pleasurable goal for which to strive.

Are you having fun yet? I hope so!

 
June 13, 2003

"Friday The Thirteenth Full Moon"

Someone on one of my discussion groups asked us, ''Tell us if you have any unusual experiences on this unusual day.''

Her words bore the hint of a smile. Had she something magickal planned? The local pagan group had a get together, but Julia and I didn't want to be out that late. While Julia reclined on the sofa, I was meandering through some of my discussion groups. At 9:00 o'clock (when the local group were likely 'at it') I felt buzzy energy being sent my way. It 'buzzed' inside my head warmly.

That, and the influence of the Turkish music made me stop the computer stuff, and return to the beginning of the song, and just spontaneously dance for its 10'40'' minutes.

(Omar Faruk Tekbilek, album Dance Into Eternity, song 'Whirling Dervish')

As I danced, I could feel myself gathering up the loose strands of energy being thrown out and up. As my hips swayed this way and that, I made small circles with my hands, reeling the energy in. I felt myself in union with pagans everywhere celebrating. There was LOTS of good energy flowing about!

For some time afterwards, I glowed with this energy. I will be watching the discussions to see if others report lovely things.

 
June 14, 2003

"Wishing A Poem"

I think inspiration is near, I smell her sweet perfume. But I am dreaming, She did not pass here. The scent disappears with my open eyes. JAL, 6 - 14 - 03

 
June 15, 2003 - A

"Like A Little Kid"

I'm like a little kid. I want to play. I am ageless. Watching the CBS morning show, I see I'm not the only one. Artists are chalk drawing Michelangelo on the sidewalks of a California town.

And in a remote spot in the Mojave Desert, a museum celebrates the strippers of the first half of the 20st century. There is renewed interest in this art. Women now complete for the international title. They are all sizes and all ages. Some bare elaborate tattoos. But the old pioneers haven't quit. One, who goes by the name Tempest Storm still can generate the heat at the age of 75!

She gives me hope. At only forty-four, I am still 'young'. And thus it was I found myself enjoying the animated movie Finding Nemo more than the kids watching it this morning. When I saw how highly the critics rated it, I figured I ought to drag Julia and I to the big screen.

Rotten Tomatoes, who gathers all the reviews, tallied the count. One hundred and forty nine critics lauded 'Nemo', with only two dissenters. I've never seen 149 people agree on ANYTHING, except maybe they like breathing.

Yes, it IS that good. Seeing it on the large screen, I felt I swam right along beside Marlin and Dory as they went looking for Marlin's son Nemo. The environment is wonderful. And the story line and characters match it. These are characters I really came to care for, and my tears flowed rather abundantly at points.

©JAL, Marlin and Dory on the quest to find Nemo . . .

 
June 15, 2003 - B

"The Little Kid"

Yes, I am still a little kid at heart. But what did I look like when I was a little kid? It used to be these pictures were a guarded secret. But now I will reveal one of my school pictures, when I was nine or ten years old:

ME back in 1968! . . . I'm hoping to soon have an elegant and glamourous picture of myself to counter this image, which really hasn't changed much in over thirty years.

 
June 15, 2003 - C

"Elegant and Glamourous?"

The results of the picture attempts are here!

Direct Gaze Mysterious?

Is the one with the direct gaze TOO intimidating? I've decided NOT to link to it in the picture gallery, but the second one is there. I'm especially pleased with that one.