"These Days of Newness", "They Like Me, They Really, Really Like Me!", "Something Very Sad"

May 22, 1999

"These days of newness"

As I mentioned already, last night was emotionally and mentally absorbing. If you've been following the passage of days here, you know we've been undergoing some changes. One year ago, Shayna had entered into a relationship with Helina, a transgendered male who had lived with us for a couple of years. One year ago, the beginning was bright and full of promise. They seemed as though they were meant for each other. To make a long story short, they weren't! Not all bad has come from this, for during this time, we've come to learn how special Shayna is. So special, that we've invited her to join our home and lives, making us a sort of ''odd quad'.

Helina hasn't been too happy about this, which might be understandable. Helina is jealous that the position s/he had hoped years ago to have with us has now been taken by another. So the past few weeks have been 'interesting'. It's been a real time of growth for Shayna, as she's come to put the past year in perspective. Instead of blaming herself, she understands why people will enter into relationships that prove later not to be successful. The intuitional attennae that pick up the warning signals aren't operational, hence they make what seems to be the 'rational, logical' choice. Learning to listen to your heart sometimes takes time.

These days of newness have been times of discovery for all of us. We are just taking it day by day, and seeing what happens.

May 23, 1999

"They Like Me, They Really, Really Like Me!"

I recently received a wonderful compliment on my poetry and images. It inspired me to sift through over a year's worth of old emails caught in various email programs and computers. I was surprised to discover just how many people had taken the trouble to write nice things about my web efforts.

My reaction reminds me of the comments Jane Fonda made when accepting an award for her acting some years ago:

They like me, they really really like me!

I feel so heartwarmed and wanted to preserve them, so I made a little page of them. The preservation's the thing, not the bragging.

You don't believe me??

May 24, 1999

"Merely Mental Upchuck?"

I've had an early breakfast of too much vanilla bean ice cream with dark chocolate syrup - Dove Dark Chocolate brand! I'm going to have to try and be good for a while. I've been really putting away the goodies. So call this the 'last breakfast' of fun, fun, fun. And it was FUN!

Last night some odd words whispered themselves in my mind. I thought maybe it might be a message from the inner muse. So I sat down with paper and pen to see if a poem lurked within:

There is no poetry tonight. All the agents have gone home. The bar is empty, silent. There'll be another day, after the moon full round turns crescent. Then.

WELL, that's that! I wonder how true this 'prediction' is. I looked at the calender. The next full moon is on May 31st. The next waning half moon is on June 6th. If there's any accuracy to this, there'll be no poems until well into June. Of course, it might all be merely mental upchuck, with no meaning whatsoever. I guess we'll find out.

later this day . . .

Well, I can't be too uncreative lately! I woke up this morning, thinking of the various attributes I've received from my ancestors. Two years ago I wrote a poem about it . Images of dna strands were flitting about in my head as a possible illustration. So I took to the web for a net search on dna pictures. I found several, but one educational picture proved the most adaptable for my purposes. So , VIOLA, a NEW poem illustration!

May 25, 1999

"Just can't quit thinking about FOOD, can I?"

I've made more progress on the poetry pages. I've renamed them "This Moment of Tasting". (Just can't quit thinking about FOOD, can I?) It will have a hand holding an apple on the cover (AKA 'splash' page), and on the index, the apple with a bite out of it. But I got so annoyed with the old pages, I've just shunted them into another URL. I'm sick of the sight of 'em. Better plain and imageless, than annoying! So how fast will those images appear? Stay tuned!

A SIGHT I'VE NOT SEEN IN A LONG TIME!

(And not unhappily so!

Have you never experienced this wondrous white stuff? Have you, and has it been long enough that you feel nostalgia for it? Neither, and just want to find out if YOUR winter was worse? Rob of Kalamazoo Days shows the delights of a Kalamazoo winter in Dispatches from the Tundra. Outside of numb feet, shoveling a car out from being inundated is the worst aspect of those winters I remember. I never care to experience another. I need this vision, just as Sonoran desert temps start to climb and I start to bitch about the heat. Note to self: "Remember the alternative!"

May 26, 1999

"You Think You Know Someone. . ."

I had a good breakfast of scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese mixed in, two pieces of toast with apricot jelly (no butter), and a glass of cranberry juice, I made breakfast for Julia and I, as Laura had eaten earlier and wanted to work on the 'cateau'.

After over twelve years of being with someone, you'd think you'd know them. Laura and I have been together since February of 1987. Yet I'm still learning new things about her. While Shayna is out working on the 'cateau', she likes to listen to music. Her choices are a variety of pop tunes from different eras. Laura made the comment last night that she likes Shayna's music better than what Julia and I listen to. That's quite a surprise. Julia and I do have unusual tastes. Julia likes only classical music, the older, the better. I tend towards Celtic music, choral music, and a few classically trained male vocalists. None of which plays on your average radio station. So it was a surprise to learn Laura likes Shayna's music. We all thought she'd HATE it, including Shayna.

The loud strains of disco music coming from the ex-shed enticed Laura, and she told me about it last night. "You LIKE disco music? I have an album of Donna Summer's music.", I replied. "Put it on!", Laura begged. Was I ever surprised when she asked me to increase the bass and volume levels. She explained that during her years of youthful wildness, she would often go to the bars where this music played. She'd dress sexy and dance to the music. It's nostalgia music for her. It's nostalgia music for me as well, for when I came out way back in 1978, they'd play this music at the once a month dances the campus GCO (Gay Community Organization) held. The pulsating beats intoxicated me with lures of exhilarating wildness. (And remember, it didn't take much to make sheltered me feel 'wild' back then.)

In all honesty, though, a remark Laura had made more than once had quite drove me off any suspicion of this. She'd said that any music after the Beatles was no good. Disco, being a phenomenon of the seventies, is well after the Beatles of the sixties. I reminded her of that remark, and asked her how this could be logically possible. "Oh, you know me. I don't remember dates very well! I thought it was all the same era."

Well, imagine that!

You learn new things everyday. I learned another piece of happy information today, as well. Good News! John Bailey is back! And he's been nominated as a site finalist for the The Diarist Awards. I helped, of course, because I nominated him for the best writing catagory, but many other readers must have nominated him as well, for some of my other nominations did not make it. One other of my choices did, however, and Scribbles and Clicks is certainly worthy. Really, all those nominated are excellant, but I do have my favorites!

May 27, 1999

"Not Very Articulate, Kinda Bummed Out"

Here with I leave you with only the food list: (NOTE FROM FUTURE - which is usually edited out as it's boring.)

6:00am - two breaded chicken breastlets, two pieces toast with butter and apricot jelly, glass of cranberry juice

9:00am - mug of 7-up

10:30am - mug of 7-up

12:00pm - bowl of pinquito beans, mug of 7-up

3:45pm - two garden burgers, mug of 7-up

5:15pm - mug of water

6:30pm - small amount spaghetti with tomato meat sauce, mug of water

May 28, 1999

"Am I Any Better Today?"

Am I any better today? The horoscope says I should be:

Friday May 28, 1999 "Today you are more aware of your strength, determination, and willpower. A bit of self-indulgence is OK."

Well, you know I don't really believe horoscopes. Still, awareness of strength is necessary. Awareness of all one's good inner qualities is necessary. An individual doesn't function well without self-esteem. I was a senior in high school when I read Nathanial Brandon's The Psychology of Self Esteem. I knew those words to be true. That thinking of ourselves as 'wretched sinners' would only doom us to failure. And doesn't it say in the (occasionally) 'good' book, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."? So it breaks my heart when someone I love has difficulty grasping this. There's not much anyone else can do. The person has to see it themselves, fully embrace and love their own self. Yet it breaks my heart when they can't. But all the heart breakage in the world isn't going to help the situation any. I need to find my own calm strength, in this uncertain world. With that, and faith, I will endure. I hope the person I love will see this. I'll not give up hope.

Moving from the metaphysical plane, to the physical plane, lots of progress has been made on the 'cateau'. I 'spose I should take a photograph of it. On the outer part, only the ends near the shed need finished. Laura stapled chicken wire to the bottom boards today, put the door in (still need the closing devices) and other things. I heard her up at 4:30am, snap- crack of hammer going away.

The day is rapidly heating up, and I think Laura's now done with her labors. It's the WEEKEND! A LONG WEEKEND! Maybe we'll all see that Phantom Menace movie that's received more attention than any other movie since they began making movies. I've read a zillion reviews of it so far. The general gist is that it's fun, but not the super epic legend everyone was hoping for. Fun is good. I'll take fun.

One of my favorite fun foods is pizza, of which I've had three big slices today. Two were at lunch. The A&M restaurant, which is our favorite here for pizza calls their 'with everything' pizza the "Big Apple" We are fortunate this small town has such good a good Italian restaurant, and it is all due to our nearby neighboring city of Florence. The A&M chain originally chose this area, beginning with the restaurant in Florence, because their ancestors came from the other Florence!

~ ~~ ~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~ ~~ ~

The photo of Julia and I taken at the SCA revel May 8th finally arrived!

I scanned it immediately, did some color balancing work and have added the cropped but close up version to our photo album.

May 29, 1999

"Something Very Sad"

This evening I came across something very sad. The following is a real suicide note by someone who left life last year. JoAnna shot herself in the chest with a handgun. But before she did, she sent this note, by email July 7, 1998 to two dozen friends and TransActivists:

I have run out of hope, I have no reason to live. I am tired of hurting, both physically and emotionally. People will never accept me for who I am. I will never have anyone who will love me in an intimate way. They will always see me through a filter and will never see the real me underneath. I have fought and struggled to the best of my ability; I can struggle no more, the pain is too great. I am sorry for any pain this action causes others; it is something I must do. I pray that God forgives me for what I am about to do. Goodbye, JoAnna

I have never met this person, either in person, or through the web. I have no idea really of what her pain was like. I really can't even imagine. It's too late to help JoAnna.

But the strange thing is, a few years ago, Julia spent a few nights counseling a Joanna on one of the transgendered chat boards. Those nights, Julia was able to get the person through the rough spots. Was this JoAnna the same one? Julia now can't remember enough of the details to be sure. But it's possible that the two were the same.

This JoAnna had been a successful lawyer, being a major player in Oregon's BOLI decision which currently protects transsexual men and women from discrimination under Oregon's state disability law. Working with Phyllis Frye, she was almost able to accomplish the same goal at the federal level. JoAnna also served as Employment Law Moderator for the Transgender Law Conference (ICTLEP) and helped to co-found It's Time, Oregon! Clearly, this person had a very bright and capable mind. But it wasn't enough to get her through the hurdles of life. She had lots of friends as well. They weren't able to help her. Because the battle is ultimately fought within the person's own mind, it is something the individual must do for themselves. And if they are determined enough to commit such a final act, no one may be able to help them. Afterwards, survivors may torture themselves with guilt, but they need to remember that. It's just one of the sad facts of life. The only thing left is for the survivors can only lovingly forgive the person who chose such an exit.

Candice Hellen Brown has the full story at her TransHistory web site.

~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~

I hope I didn't depress you all with that. It's just something that grabbed my heart and wouldn't let go until I set it down in words. Now I set it down.

Strength to all of us, the 'walking wounded', the 'triumphant' and those of us inbetween! Strength to the 'stumbling wounded'! May all of us find our way.

May 30, 1999

"No Entry, Just Food Report"

4:45am - cup of 7-up

6:00am - bowl of ice cream, small piece of flat bread with melted cheese and salsa

Through out the day:
WATER, WATER, WATER - my labors made me THIRSTY!

3:30pm - piece of cheesecake

4:00pm - green corn tamale, beef tamale, corn with green salsa, mug of 7-up

6:00pm - mug of 7-up

6:30pm - bowl of ice cream, mug of 7-up