March 24, 2000

"Looking For Silver Linings"

Leaving off the fear, I want to leave it laying there on the ground. It's a heavy thing to carry. And embarrassing to own. But I don't want these scary things moldering deep within me. Let the air at them. Maybe the light of reason will cleanse them. How else better to prove the silliness, than to name it and claim it, and later, when time has gone by, then it will be seen for the small thing it really is. But it takes time to shrink a fear.

What Would Your Opposite Do?

That's the question Al poses to his readers today, after a fanciful entry in which he describes his opposite. Just before I came to his page, I'd had fun answering the Kingdomality vocational perforance test exactly opposite of my real choices. If it smacked of unoriginality, conformity and boredom, I selected it. Yes, sirree, worker bee drone here! Bring on the boredom! My opposite would be a hard driving career oriented woman. She would sacrifice everything for her career, use people as prestige symbols to gain favor, marry for money, and everything would be about appearances. She'd have a million at least by forty. No, she'd already have had that by thirty. She'd be cut throat just for the challenge of doing so. She'd never waste time on fanciful creative schemes. She'd never read online journals or care much about music. Those things are just for sentimental slobs. I don't think my opposite would be very happy. Her only joy would consist in besting the competition. Then she'd feel a hurrah of triumph. She'd also be very lonely, having used people only for what she could get out of them.

I'm very glad I'm who I am, and not my opposite.

And what vocation did my opposite bring up in the test?

Your distinct personality, The Merchant, might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. Your overriding goal is to always be competitive, for Merchants are the deal makers. Every situation is realistically analyzed for its profit potential. A well executed deal, even one that is profitable for all participants, can be its own reward for many Merchants. On the positive side you can be logically practical, rational and realistic. On the negative side you may be rigidly dogmatic as well as unmerciful and precipitous. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

I had to laugh. That certainly fits. Now what did my real choices result in?

Your distinct personality, The Dreamer-Minstrel might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. You can always see the "Silver Lining" to every dark and dreary cloud. Look at the bright side is your motto and understanding why everything happens for the best is your goal. You are the positive optimist of the world who provides the hope for all humankind. There is nothing so terrible that you can not find some good within it. On the positive side, you are spontaneous, charismatic, idealistic and empathic. On the negative side, you may be a sentimental dreamer who is emotionally impractical. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

That fits the real me quite well. Understanding why everything happens does seem to be a guiding light. It takes wisdom to figure it out. I'm an odd mix of rationalist and intuitionist. For instance, I lay my fears out in the open, and examine them. I'll learn whether they are primitive superstitions or 'psychic hunches'.

And what of those circumstances that have no 'silver lining'? There's no silver lining to death, except for cases of extreme old age. There's no silver lining to Shayna's death, nor of Grady's death. All we can do is give meaning to the person's life, by celebrating who they were. Maybe without life's brevity, we would not recognize its preciousness. That's the silver lining. Oh, is life ever precious. We would not fear death if life weren't precious.

March 25, 2000

"Morning Visitor"

morning visitor at our door

 

March 26, 2000

"The Spirit Of Dance"

     

I never want to forget the graceful spontaneous dance of this young lady at the Renaissance Festival today. I've gathered a few more renfest photos, as well. Go see!

 

March 27, 2000

"Moody Monday"

''Let him that hath no power of patience retire within himself, though even there he will have to put up with himself.

-----Baltasar Gracián, _The Art of Worldy Wisdom_ (1647), on Patience

Yes, it's one of those 'putting up with self' days. A chilly nervousness interrupts my concentration every so often. I must remember to practice deep breathing. And what has me so nervous? Friday morning, as I was going to the front door with a huge load of trash in my arms, I met an older man at the door. I didn't recognize him as a customer, and he didn't appear to be a new customer, with clothes in hand. He did have something in his hand, and gave the papers to me. Summons! Yes, we've heard from VDP regarding the house. He's not content with one half of the house's value, nor even two-thirds. He wants it all! We brought the recitation of his demands to the lawyer's office and will meet with her this Thursday to learn our next course of action.

Meanwhile I'll go do some sewing and practice mindfulness. Sigh.

I practice mindfulness as I perform my task. May my mind be clear. As I clean, may my heart be purified. May pride, anger, resentment And all unwholesome emotions Be washed away. May I clean with compassion. (from this week's meditation.)

Later Today. . .

My meditation is not going very well, for each thing I do to the fabric becomes something I'd like to do to VDP. Crush and pull rivets out of, poke with sharp tiny objects, cut and serge and apply hot iron to, yes, that's about my mindset today. I'll never make a good Buddhist!

 

March 28, 2000

"I'm In No Hurry"

I'm In No Hurry  On forgotten plains cold and dark, lie those missing pieces. I do not want to go there. (It's not for mortals anyway.) I will live with the mystery, for our fates are sealed. I'll wait for the future to be opened and revealed. I can't open that door now, no matter how I pry with my small hands. It's all right, I'm not in a hurry. JAL, 3-28-00

 

March 29, 2000

"Small Town Excitement"

Another exciting thing has happened in our small town of Casa Grande. The first thing was shortly after our arrival. I found the Blockbuster web site and told them if ever a town needed a Blockbuster's video store, Casa Grande was the place. I don't know if my letter was the convincing factor, but a few months afterwards, we had a bright yellow and blue Blockbuster store. It quickly became Casa Grande's hot cultural spot. Just recently, I told you all about Casa Grande's very own TV station.

And today has been another historic day for the town. We've got a brand new SAFEWAY grocery store. It is right next door to where Julia works, so we've been watching the building progress over the past few months. Safeway is an international chain of supermarkets. I wouldn't know this if I didn't read online journals. But there are Safeway's in Australia and Great Britain. However since a bad experience at a Tucson Safeway, I rather held a grudge against each and every Safeway, no matter what hamlet or metropolis it happened to be in.

It all started one winter day in Tucson. Laura had me run into the Safeway to get her a small bottle of brandy. I got in line and found the middle aged, bottle blonde clerk to be a very loud and talkative sort. She was gushing all over the older, slightly tattered and frazzled lady in front of me in a sickening insincere way. I would much rather have an honest, bored and aloof clerk than this appalling display of saccherin. But it got worse. No sooner than the lady began pushing her cart away, did she began whispering to the bag boy. Her loud attempt at whispering was very audible. ''Poor Mrs Jones. You know she just went nuts after her husband died. They had to hospitalize her.'' Meanwhile, Mrs Jones was pushing her cart away as fast as she could. I wanted to shout, ''You gutter trash, Mrs Jones can HEAR you!!'' When it became my turn for the gushing, I grimaced uncomfortably and hurried to the car, not wanting to dawdle for any comments about me.

Since then, every Safeway has been viewed with distrust. Nevermind Miss Bottle Blonde couldn't work at them all. Nevermind as soon as her behavior had been discovered, she'd have not lasted long at their employ. I was just that unforgiving.

So when Laura and I entered the new Safeway's large automatically opening doors this morning, I had a very skeptical attitude. No sooner than we entered, we were warmly and sincerely greeted. The girls at one counter gave us a map. ''It will help you around more than we can. We don't know the store any better than you,'' one laughed. In every department, there was someone to greet us. At the liquor department, Laura asked the thin, gray haired man if they carried Hiram Walker peach brandy in the small bottle size. It was the one thing that drew us when we were in Tucson. The Prince and Campbell store had these small bottles which offer Laura just the right amount of inebriation. If she buys the larger bottle, she finishes the larger bottle, and always is sorry the next morning. He cheerfully assured us he would order them.

It was like that in the floral department as well. A smiling dark haired portly man introduced us to the floral manager, a petite, dark haired pixie of a lady who was very excited and a little nervous on her first day. Everywhere, there was happiness, though. There are some truly nice and helpful people at this Safeway. I'm completely won over. Miss Bottle Blond is but a distant memory.

 

March 31, 2000

"Really Small Town Excitement"

The small, but impressive, town of Felwithe, as seen through my screen Giannissi, ''oh so proud'' now that he's level ELEVEN!

That's front page news for Felwithe!

(I discovered there is a ''screenshot'' command in Everquest, so you lucky people get more pictures. But at least they're a lot clearer.)

Not only that, I've learned there's screen capturing in Picture Publisher! There's just all kinds of excitement around here!

    
Weighty Matters index page...
(Note of 2004: The clever eye may notice this screen is from a time a bit further in the future than 2000.
The original image got corrupted, so this is a replacement from 2004, a Windows XP view.
But then I found an uncorrupted version, so you can compare the look in the two different monitors, as well.)

 

April 1, 2000

"One Creaky, Cracky Step At A Time"

When all of the thought that leaves me whisps its way off the ground and settles like so many leaves to the ground, it seems like such dried bits of flimsyness. Fall, that is, and spring, with its sturdy little leaves, comes again. But fall it is today. Let the scattered bits of my thoughts fly, I've let the wind take them. Let's see where they'll go, shall we?

Over the hill, it is, and over the hill, like me, we wander. It wasn't always like this. But then nothing always was, was it? Except those cycles, those endlessly revolving cycles. And I am just glad to be on the wheel.

This is the down time of the cycle. Yes, I know, I just said we were going up, and over, and now were going down? Leading you in circles, aren't I? Blind leading the blind? Clueless? But what circles have we?

Each step reveals it, its span, the perfect roundness of the arcing linearity. First babyhood, then childhood, then adulthood. We grow, we develop, we learn. And just maybe we learn.

So it is I hope to learn again. Doubt less there are those who have easier circles. They have them and never know they have them. Until they look at the starless luck of others. Just like that. Anywhere you are, you can look at someone else who has it so much worse. You might think, ''Oh, I have so much trouble getting up that hill, my knees, they give out'', and then you see someone who can't walk at all. And that person in the wheelchair will tell you, ''I'm not handicapped, I'm just CHALLENGED.''

And everyone admires how 'brave' he is. And what choice has he? He made the right one, Until we can regard our difficulties not as immense insurmountable hurtles, but CHALLENGES, then we'll always be feeling sorry for ourselves.

I should speak for myself here. Let's say I've known too much of 'feeling sorry for myself'. It's not gotten me anywhere. Let's just say I've named some names, made some realizations, admitted my weaknesses. Those, old weak joints. The joints from point A to point B, are they weak here? Creak and pop, along this twisted path I'm leading you on? Oh, then, they match creaky, cracky old me. ''But I'm only forty one! Shouldn't this wait until I'm sixty?'' Life has no shoulds.

People do get arthritus at forty years of age. People do sometimes have to admit they can no longer do what they did. I can't sew like I used to. I've got a pile of things left to sew for customers, and it all looks like a mountain. It's no mountain, it's just a hill, you say? Once I get over this hill, I must call it quits, and retire. I hate with a violent passion, the word DISABLED. It sounds so humilating. I broke down and cried when I called for the social security info. ''But this is why there are such programs for people like you,'' the kind, understanding man told me. I almost cried with relief. I'll be seeing doctors and getting x-rays of all those disintegrating little joints. It's a process, I'm told. Life is a process. This is mine.

I'll learn from this what I need to. I know I will. I'll find the grace. It will be there, one creaky, cracky step at a time.

from the 'future', February 6, 2002, to be exact Ordinarily, I don't burst in from the future. I leave you dear readers to muddle through these pages of my life as dumb as I was, muddling through, living that life. But I can't leave these words unchallenged. The future has proven different than I thought it would be, and 'future me' cannot remain silent. I am even somewhat embarrassed of the conclusions I'd made at this point in my life. The 'older and wiser' self often looks back to things done when young, and chides that younger self. Still, this is fruitless. Let's just say I'm grateful the conclusions I'd made were false. Why was I so willing to 'give up' in the face of a little pain? It was an agonizing decision, one that was humiliating. Why had I thought I was done for? Older and wiser me, who still wakes up stiff and achy in the morning, gratefully knows better. Maybe I just didn't understand how to deal with the arthritis. I basically needed to learn to 'feel the pain and do it anyway'. But at this time in my life, I didn't know I could. I'd lift something heavy, and the joint complaints scared me. I backed down, cowed. Maybe it was something that needed the process I went through to learn. However I learned it, I'm just glad I learned it.

 

April 4, 2000

"Looking Better"

"The moment we arrived on earth, we were given bodies, the vehicles that carry our spiritual essence. You and I do not live inside our bodies. Our bodies live inside us.  They're the means through which we travel in time in this life journey.  None of us knows how long this particular vehicle will last. But rather than worrying about when its warranty might run out, it's much more important to concern ourselves with the journey itself, with the knowledge, hopes and dreams our spirits guide us to along the way." Mary Manin Morrissey

I found that little bit of advice at one of my favorite spots. True enough, those words. Aye, the world is looking better to me today. It didn't yesterday, though, for I finally forced myself to open that package of tax materials. I'd received a large white envelope with a booklet and a cover letter concerning the self employment tax. I might owe some for 1998, the author warned me. Alas, I did. Combined with the amount owed for 1999, it was a sizeable sum. If if were not for Julia's habit of tucking money away in a savings account, I'm not sure how we would have paid it. But it's paid now, and that's behind me.

Still I'm glad to escape real life troubles, and go somewhere else. Can you stand one more picture from Everquest? I've got another character created. Razhann is almost fourth level. He's a cleric with healing powers, but I'm paying special attention to his fighting ability. Already he is doing quite a bit of damage with his 'one hand blunt' weapon. He won't be so vulnerable as Giannissi.

helpful, healing and heroic. . .