March 15, 2001

"Your Own Star"

 

March 16, 2001 - A

"Changes"

Oh, changes are afoot, as ever. Ah the immediate changes, of which I'm so newly appraised. I had been scheduled to work this morning six am, dark and early in the morning. I ended my happy play in Everquest to rush over there just to discover that the schedule has been changed. I, instead, work this evening 10pm to 6am. The only notice I was given of this had been written on the weekly pay sheet, which, for those NOT with direct deposit, is wrapped around their paycheck. As I get direct deposit, I don't rush in to pick that paper up. The manager did apologize, admitting he should have called.

Aye, when the job description reads 'flexible hours', it means that YOU must be flexible! I made the best of it, getting the milk and eggs we needed. Laura returned to pick me back up, with two mugs to be filled with coffee mocha, so she made the best of it, as well.

Changes, changes, I did say, didn't I? We've been for some time curious if another internet provider would provide better service. We've been having entirely too much lag and disconnects in Everquest. Not only that, often we connect to the web, only to find any other site, outside of those located on our provider's service 'lacks a DNS entry', or some such. It means something has gone wrong on their end.

So an experiment is in order. We signed up with a competitor which has its roots in Tucson. It's a large concern, and likely to run on much better machinery. Well, we hope so, anyway. While the experiment is in effect, we'll keep our two accounts with casagrande.com. But if TheRiver proves better, yes, we'll be pulling up roots, and dragging all our heavy files to the new digs. Yes, guess who gets THAT job! But I'll keep the same file divisions between the two locations, so all I'll have to change is all the <A HREF=''links''>. Sigh!

Yet I have such good news, in the midst of all this changiness! I can coin a word, can't I? I did something very productive with my day off yesterday! I got my taxes done! Yes, I finally slogged through the schedule 'C', the schedule 'SE', and the 1040! The taxes paid through the convenience store labors covered all those owed by 'Sew Fine', the in-home sewing business I used to have, with twenty three dollars to spare! Do I seem like I'm shouting, with all the BOLD words, and all? I'm just so proud of myself, is all. I deserve to be, don't I? I think so, anyway!

March 16, 2001 - B "How Can I?" How can I see the sky by looking down? How can I see the sky by looking down? The aim of the eye isn't in its location, when what for a little reflection, miles away may be captured. It isn't the mud or caught water, with its smooth horizontal plane, it is the sun, sending its rays through the trees. Millions of miles away, that sun, and, yes, you can see it by looking down. Thank the rain, thank the water, thank the mystery of reflected light.    May I, too, be just so reflective of radiant Light. See, you can find it in the hidden places, the unexpected places. May I always be ready for quiet miracles. JAL, 3-16-01

 

March 19, 2001

"Here In Our Little Worlds"

Laura is at my computer, playing Everquest, and I am, thusly, at her computer. How strange it feels, but I hope inspiration will come just the same.

We can't tell yet if the new provider is better than the old one. The disconnects may be due more to faulty rural lines. I'm not so keen on moving all our stuff, anyhow. Still, we will give it a full month's test to make sure. One thing which did help was adding more RAM memory to each of the computers. CompUsa had a sale last week, and so we were able to do both of the bigger computers for around a hundred bucks. That definately improved the game speed, with not so much lag.

While out having the computers updated, Laura bought new do-it-yourself tile adhesive flooring for our kitchen. We'd long hated the carpet, which, while cleaning, I'd discovered was put OVER a tile floor originally. Laura did most of the floor over the weekend, and boy is she ever sore today. But it looks great. She also got inspired to cover the kitchen table with the tiles as well. As the table is just a slab of thick wood covered with contact paper, now developing small nicks here and there, this is quite an improvment.

But, as I've said, Laura is really sore. She did it all, despite her still broken and sore elbow. Nothing keeps Laura down for long. Julia, to give Laura a break, drove her own self to work today. I won't need the car until eleven this evening, so this is good, indeed.

James, Larry and Greg made lots of progress on Laura's Mom's future abode last week. The blue carpet and tan marble like kitchen and bathroom flooring look great. That was all of one piece, not the additive tile style. But it was what inspired Laura to redo our floor.

That is our small world, here. Serena's been back at her home for a couple of weeks now. The place was re-arranged, with the removal of a sofa, and the substitution of a smaller bed, to accommodate her wheel chair. She has a test soon to see if her leg has healed enough that she can put weight on it. When that happens, she'll have a little more mobility.

So progress is being made on all fronts, here in our little worlds. It's not so everywhere, though. I read of the troubles in the larger world, with the foot and mouth sheep disease in England and Europe. There is certainly heartache in many farmers' households today. Tragedy brings its effects to wider ranges, yet, as the economy of these areas are effected, and EVERYONE there feels the pinch.

Tragedy, there is enough of that. Nearer to home, a co-worker has his share of deep sorrow, as his ill wife is now brain dead, and on life support. It only now remains a decision of the family to 'pull the plug', as once brain dead, it's as good as dead-dead. To lose one's spouse, that is the hardest hurt. My heart goes out to him, for what it's worth.

Another day, another roll of the 'wheel of time', we'll see what tomorrow brings.

 

March 20, 2001

"The Today That Was Tomorrow"

I just want to make note of an interesting horoscope prediction I received today. It said ''Short trips bring lucky breaks'' and ''You can now develop new sources of income and self worth. This is a good time for financial affairs'' and building ''for your long term security.''

Maybe this will mean good will come out of the package I found in our mailbox during our 'short trip' into town!

More, I will not say for now! Keep your fingers crossed!

 

March 21, 2001

"It Shall Be Spring"

The Place I Want To Be Feeling the need for deep prayer, how can I find what is deep within me? I would go to the Source, and hope to learn some wisdom. Hard it is, when the road has been torn asunder. What volcano, this? What earthquake? Say all about me, the tempests. All about me, the tempests, and I must learn my own peace. It is by this prayer, I shall frame this peace. I know that. Believing, or not believing, I call to Something within myself, or at least very near by. Call it whatever you want. I am in no mood for theology. Say this, the deep seeking works. I will find this peace, and though I may not be 'an instrument of peace',   What silvered tones, such music it would bring!, I can at least say, Here, within, no tempests. Maybe just such enough weight can turn a tide, this ocean that is mine, at least IT has no waves. I breathe, and heard alone is just the soft slapping of the gentle waters coming into the sands, peaceful regularity, that. I can only control my own weather. Here, it shall be spring, with soft breezes, and no fierce heat, no bitter cold, yes, and that peaceful shore, with the soft lapping, this is the place I want to be. JAL, 3-21-01

 

March 24, 2001

"Laying Low"

The moon phase of my horoscope says ''Power levels can be dim, faint and obscure'' today. Dim and faint are just about how I feel today. There's a bug going around. One co-worker went home with generic NyQuil, hoping for a good nights sleep to beat it. Another called in sick this morning. Peakedness has got me and I just ain't at my PEAK, if you know what I mean.

Before the horoscope's advice, I already had plans of 'laying low'. Tomorrow, perhaps I shall be more 'physically, mentally and verbally active'. But for today, a long sojourn in bed is what's called for. Talk to you later.

 

March 25, 2001

"Lunch With The 'Queen'"

The 'Queen's' Jewels

Some times one has the greatest adventures while asleep:

I found myself in my old high school cafeteria, with its rows of long light gray rectangular tables. I took my tray of food and sat down to eat. To my surprise, across from me, Quentin Quisp was sitting. I was bowled over. I stammered, ''Oh, I've read most of your books, I'm so honored to be sitting next to you!''

However, shyness got the better of me and I didn't say much while I ate my food, which was hard to chew and swallow. The moisture that should be in my mouth went instead to my feet and hands. I glanced up from my food at him. Quentin looked lonely. ''Here I am, next to him, and I can't even talk. He wouldn't be so lonely if I could just talk to him,'' I thought with regret.

Still, I could pull no words out. At meals end, I was able to at least clasp his hand, and thank him for the books and the courage he'd had to live his life. His hand felt old, wrinkled, but still warm, soft and gentle. His eyes brightened at the physical contact, and he expressed gratitude for my gratitude.

Later, when I got home (which happened to be my old bedroom at Gramma's, where I lived when I attended high school), I discovered Quentin had gifted me with his jewelry - a jade earring with three large oval jade beads attached in a string about two inches long, a long jade necklace and a jade bracelet, also of the large oval beads. ''Wow!,'', I thought, as I held them.

As I carefully laid them down on my dresser, I heard a knock on my bedroom window. I opened the window to see what was going on, and found a man standing there. He was in his fifties, with a full head of black head, and a rather unusual nose ornament, featuring a pendant suspended from several piercings in his nostril. I couldn't keep my eyes off his nose. He asked for the jewelry Quentin had given me, and offered some cheap lightweight plastic items very similar in style to the real ones. ''Why should I believe you? You might be just trying to get his jewelry!''

He smiled and said ''You know, crazy old lady gives away her jewelry, you've heard of that.''

''But suppose he really wanted me to have them. I have no proof you know Quentin Crisp. Can you prove your association with him?'' He stuttered and said he'd written a small book, though he couldn't even name the title. I wasn't satisfied with his 'proof', and didn't hand over the jade jewelry.

I woke up after that.

This isn't the first time I've had interesting lunch partners in my dreams. A few months ago, I had lunch with the 'Other Queen'.

 

March 28, 2001

"Inspired"

A couple of days ago, I was inspired to have a backward look at a dream of mine. It spiraled into me seeking out all the dreams I've recorded in the past four and a half years of journaling. There's quite a few odd and interesting ones in the bunch, so I've collected them together on a page, if you care to have a look.

 

March 29, 2001

"Tucking The Mysteries Away'"

Oh, what am I on the verge of? Night time calls and I am wide awake. I hear, in the quietness, a lone barking. Is it the moon which draws his need to make such utterance?

I am here, and the keys being tapped sound so loud. A truck goes down the nearby dirt road. How do I know it's a truck? Maybe it sounds heavy.

Clock tick, that, too, is made loud by the blanket of night. Ah, this glowing white rectangle with the little black squiggles, symbols for sounds, the sounds symbols for meaning and here am I. I hope I make sense.

Just now, the clock chimes ten, with its ten strong strokes. Such definiteness in those definitions! Cut and divide the hours so cleanly. Yet the night itself is not so clean, with gradual, whispered evolutions as the earth makes its revolutions.

And here we are, mortals on this spinning earth. We are held to the earth and aren't thrown off like so much tiny gravel. Tonight, I celebrate gravity.

Gravity, that, but do these words have any weight? These might be flung to the outer reaches as so much dust.

Are we so much dust? Dust to return to the earth upon end, and then return to seed something else? But in the meantime . . .

In the meantime, we celebrate our solidity with such that we have within us. Dust need not threaten us in the end. For there is always the beginning. And the middle.

And every day is a new beginning . . .

Such are my wandering thoughts tonight. Laura, also not able to sleep, came out in to the dark living room for a while. She is not feeling wlll. I brought her water and aspirin, the aspirin to help both her heart to ache less and her body to sleep better. Her exertions in the yard today weakened her. I sat with her a few minutes, while she calmed down. She then returned to bed.

Strange, the movie we watched this evening. The third of the Crow series features an unjustly accused and electrocuted  boyfriend-of-murdered-girlfriend  returning from the dead to seek his revenge. Gory, it was rather unsettling. It didn't make a good bedtime story, though it was well acted. But, augh, the images of the arm with the raised chevron welts in it, and that girl's lips sewn shut . . . there were so many unsettling images. Oh, he got his justice in the end, but such a bloody path. And so often the blood forming the shape of a CROW . . .

I shall have to put those images out of my mind if I am to get any sleep at all.

Tonight, I want bloodless images, I want blue-sky thoughts, and budding flower-sprouts of ideas. Green grass healed by the rain. The way the earth smells after the rain.

And, yes, I really know tomorrow will be another day, but what will it bring? What am I on the verge of?

I wait, as the countable minutes tick away, on that round clock behind me, and as the moon rises high above me, in process to its own roundness.

This day, this moment, I will claim this moment, with its future mysteries tucked away. Let them be tucked away. I will turn down the covers on them. They will rise again when it is time, as will I.