January 10, 2003 - A
"Current Events"
Julia, having discovered our bank account is available online, now watches over its comings and goings like a hawk. She announced the other day last month had more outgo than income. So we must learn discretion.
So it is cheap thrills for us! The poor car, having nearly 66,000 miles on it already, is much used and stressed, so our trips are all local these days. Knowing we shall likely never set our feet much beyond Arizona, ten miles over the near border into California doesn't count, the Travelogue version of travel has suddenly given great appeal. And, thus it seems, to other people as well. The auditorium was packed last night with people yearning to see the sights of IRELAND. It was a well done program, and we will likely go again.
Speaking of other 'current events', the electricity kept going off briefly every little bit yesterday morning. I had to power off the computer, so it wouldn't be adversely affected. The radio announcer reported later that something had gone wrong with a transformer.
My co-workers had observed the strange phenomenom as well. No 'Friday' for me today, we are all to work Saturday as well. This is because a huge order of 160 camouflage sets have come in for name tags and flags. And THAT is because a huge number of Marines, who require them, are being set over to regions near IRAQ. Ominous, I tell you.
January 10, 2003 - B
"With Or Without"
Why am I amused to learn of its cause: ''moisture, combined with a buildup of bird droppings on certain insulators''? BIRD DROPPINGS! But I am. I am just that way.
The 'brown, gray or black birds of neither happiness nor unhappiness' shit where they may, and life goes on, WITH or WITHOUT side effects. (Presumably, the 'Blue Bird Of Happiness' has better control over its bowels!)
Life has indeed gone on, TEN DAYS into the new year and only NOW have I paused to think about my New Year's Revolution:
It does not seem a bad goal. One's art would indeed be very powerful to do that. Actually, I'll just aim for the POWER, with or without any attendant revolutions.
"Enough Of That"
Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? quiz
January 11, 2003 - A
Can you imagine it? Vampires are completely mainstream now. My sweet Michael now has all the shock value of Father Knows Best, as he goes about trying to take care of his little brood. 'Father' just requires unusual food, is all."Someone on the Babylon 5 newsgroup asked Michael Straczynski about the status of his secret "Polaris" project that he's been working on for some time. This was his response:
'On Polaris...we got down to one of three projects of which one or two would be greenlighted for production. It went down to the wire, but finally SFC decided that the premise of Polaris was a little too science fictiony, when they were looking to go for ideas that had more immediate mainstream appeal. So even though they felt that Polaris was the best written of the projects they had in development, they went for a project about intergalactic (not interstellar, intergalactic) vampires called "Bloodsuckers." It is, to be fair, one of those concepts that, when you hear it, you get it, there isn't a lot of background needed.' ''
Sigh! So much for any 'revolutions' lately. Anyhow, it's just a story I'm having fun with. Anne Rice, the one who started a revolutionary thing with vampires, has no competition from ME, I'm sure in that regard. I'm hoping to stake my claim in other markets, poetry and journalling.
Hopefully, I am not weakly mainstream in these avenues. Causing a few SMALLISH revolutions might be nice. There's a line which might be instructive in that regard in Anne's bio, amongst all of Ramsland's analysis of her novels:
''She became aware of a source for achieving authenticity: go for the pain.''All of which reminds me of what Sharlene Kassiday, my art teacher at Joliet Junior College told us. She said HER TEACHER told HER:
''To be a great artist, you must suffer.''Through out these pages, I've thought and thought and thought aand thought some more on that phrase.
Now I look at it, determining why some pieces of mine are more powerful than others. It is why some pieces end up as rather trite while others reach at true power. I found ''The YEARNING really comes through'' in the one piece. And where does YEARNING often come from? PAIN!
Another of my pieces that could be said to have a 'religious' flavor which works is my 'exorcism' of a dream-ghost. It works, because of the real tooth and claw into me feel of that haunting experience. In other words, the PAIN!
Now, I'm not about to go all masochistic for my art, 'ANYTHING for the art, all sacrifices made' (''OUCH!'') , but I can certainly exploit the naturally occurring pain. We do get enough of that, without seeking for more.
January 11, 2003 - B
"Entertained"
The teasers of the featured book spoke of the dependancy of sisters. ''You are NO sister of Anne. I've read the bio, and there is Alice, Tamara and Karen, but NO 'Luanne'.'' While pushing tan camouflage pants and jackets through the machine, I stewed over this.
I was full of righteous indignation about it until I came home, and finally located an interview with Luanne. The ire settled down when I affirmed she DID come by her name honestly, and that her mother, also of the Rice name, had been a published author herself.
Okay, I put my 'gun' safely back in the holster, and then read various reviews of her books. Now critics, PAID as well as any yahoo with a computer connected to the web, can be a diverse and contradictory lot. They mostly gave mixed reviews, with NOTHING approaching the adulation given THE divine Mrs Rice. ''A good beach read'' was the general consensus.
Still, even though coming by her name naturally, it seems her agents are capitalizing on any confusion that might exist in the public mind.
Ah well. Those who like light, sentimental fluff need their fluff, and it's good there are those to provide it. It has its needed place in the world.
Meanwhile, Michael is finished reading Interview With A Vampire and I took that back to the library. Yes, dear patient readers, I've at last located a book of Maryland history, and maybe I'll be able to fill in the blanks in Michael's history.
Julia had suggested, half joking, that I should have selected ARIZONA for Michael's youthful days. Our library has dozens of books on Arizona history. However back in 1768, when Michael was born, there wasn't much out here, and I didn't want to make him younger just to use the area. So we'll see what we can do with one lone history book.
Meanwhile, I'm continuing with the Ricean obsession. However, I'm setting aside her BIO now. It's getting into analysis of books I haven't read yet. I've got the gist of her life before IWTV, and the rest can wait. But the big book that came home with me today is NOT a Vampire Chronicle, but the first MAYFAIR book, The Witching Hour. It is BIG and filled with smaller than usual print.
I shall be entertained.
January 11, 2003 - C
"Magical Absorption?"
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"Observing Myself"
January 11, 2003 - D
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for I faced a mirror as I held the camera out.
Having never taken such a test, I found two versions of this test on the web, one which did not have me screaming, but only pondering, and one which had me screaming.
I got the same results with either test, so I'm not sure why the one had to be so torturous. I am an INFJ (Reserved, Introspective, Friendly, Scheduling) person, as opposed to a ESTP (Expressive, Observant, Tough Minded, Probing) person.
I am curious, for this netted me as an IDEALIST, rather than the ARTISAN, which according to the Kiersey test, is my exact opposite, the ESTP.
Differences between them are described as:
The Values of Idealists: How different from their opposites, the Artisans. Where Artisans value excitement (from without) Idealists value enthusiasm (from within); where Artisans value their impulses, Idealists value their intuition; where Artisans value impact on others, Idealists value romance with others. And so it goes, Idealists valuing identity over stimulation, recognition over generosity, and the sage over the virtuoso.Now this puzzles me as I consider myself to be an Artisan! I write, I make the occasional picture, these are artistic crafts. How can this be? Never do they suggest that the Artisan might be an Idealist as well! But, yes, the values that are listed above do seem to be those that guide me. Inner enthusiasm will sustain me when nothing outside myself exists at the moment for stimulation. I am never one to go by an unchecked IMPULSE, everything threads through the eye of intuition, THEN I decide.
Oh, I want IMPACT on others, but I think it can be done gently via a 'romance'. I value virtuousity extremely much, but find wisdom, such as what a sage should have, most useful of all. So the test has typed me quite well, over all.
I DO, however, believe I am ''Expressive, Observant, Tough Minded, and Probing'' in my art. At least, I TRY to be. So it's a curiousity. Maybe I balance myself with my various artistic expressions?
Without the 'J' part, the 'scheduling' aspect of me which likes closure and 'finished products', I might not have the push to see my artistic probing to the conclusions which I find so satisfying.
Many of the questions were answered easily, with no hesitation at all. But here are a few of the questions that had me screaming:
Are you more comfortable in making:'Value judgments suggest rating something as 'good or bad'. 'Critical judgments' seems to suggest a criticism that might offer a way to improve something, so I went for the critical, unsure if I answered exactly how they meant.
A. value judgments
B. critical judgments
Which do you wish more for yourself:''Both are important!'', I complained to Julia. I value 'strength of emotion'. I can't imagine being a creature of faint emotions. Yet I value 'strength of will', too. I possess both. But noting 'strength of will' has gotten me through more things, I finally settled on that choice.
A. strength of emotion
B. strength of will
Do you value in yourself more that you are:''Reason is a very good thing to have,'' I opined to Julia. An unreasonable person does not fair well in the world. Yet I value devotion as well. Julia offered, half joking, ''You can be devoted to reason,'' and it answered the question for me. Devotion amounts to passion, and without passion, life is dull indeed. I ticked 'devoted'.
A. devoted
B. reasonable
In sizing up others, do you tend to be:I reasoned as follows: Objectivity is a good thing, and I try to do that, to not let my own bias cloud the issue. But I wouldn't say I'm 'puppy dog friendly' either. What I really am is INTUITIVE, I use my intuition to guide how I size others up, which is neither personal nor impersonal. However, 'objective' suggests the use of REASON, which I don't go by so much, using INTUITION, so I picked 'friendly and personal', as I believe that's a bit closer.
A. objective and impersonal
B. friendly and personal
Which rules you more:I was nearly indecisive with this one. My thoughts are extremely active. All day long, the thought-mill is churning out one after another. I can get lost in my kingdom of thoughts, where I invent whole worlds. But my feelings are important, too. If I am moody, those around me know it, for I can't hide it. I am swept along by my emotional current, and I am fortunate that the seas are usually fairly calm, with gentle tides. Because it is my emotions that determine the sort of things I will think about, I ended up picking 'feeling'.
A. your feelings
B. your thoughts
Are you more:This question had me screaming the most of all of them! I really went around the bush on this. ''I value BOTH!'' I screamed to Julia. I try to be observant. An artist is only as good as her skill in observing things. If you don't observe something, you can't depict it. Yet I'm introspective as well. Without introspection, the artist in me can't evaluate the results of her observations. I observe, but I FIRST OBSERVE MYSELF, therefore I chose 'introspective'.
A. observant than introspective
B. introspective than observant
With Julia suggesting I reveal such test results, you might be curious as to how Julia is typed. Julia's results are quite similar to me, with the exception of the last category. She shows 'consistently as an INFP type'. This tends to be true. Our values are much the same, except that I possess an often driving nature to accomplish goals. The crankiness this sometimes produces, should anything try to circumvent me, awes her a bit.
All in all, it was a fascinating mind-game, and provided a few hours insightful entertainment.
(This entry OBSERVING MYSELF has been linked to from my main index page.)
January 12, 2003
"Strange Output"
I wandered the town happily, until I found I did not feel well. Yes, I'd caught the disease, and was given four pills to take in evenly spaced intervals over the day. The next day, something spewed up from my mouth. It was a string! I pulled and pulled on the string, and it came coming out, becoming thicker and thicker as I pulled. Finally I pulled out a partially shredded pair of BLUE JEANS! I was horrified.
The shock of it woke me up, and I told Julia, who was awake enough to hear. Her response is something that works best on the AURAL level, but I'm going to repeat it anyway, ''It must be something in the GENES!''
(Genes=Jeans) I'm sure you got that. I wondered what it could mean, and then thought of my abundant writing output these days. ''Ah, yes, MUCH, but is the quality any good?'' Thus might be my fears.
Yet it does not stop me. If occasionally I produce the unsuitable 'shredded jean', you will forgive me, I hope.
Julia's talk with the Unitarians went well this morning. I got a picture of her, but it didn't turn out well. I, did, however, take a few shots of the scenery of our gathering place which pleased me.
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I've placed the above picture in my Photo Gallery, as well as yesterday's image, and another from today.
The oddness of this morning's dream still clings to me like the chill on a rainy day. You'll tell me if I start producing shredded things, won't you? Though, let's hope I know it my own self!
January 13, 2003
"Release"
But with the last email I wrote, I was brought face to face with my emotions. I'd asked a man the source of his unusual online name, 'Roselion'. He liked the juxtaposition of the fierce with the tender, and it reminded me of Laura.
She used to talk of how she'd decorated an old motorcycle she had with dragons and butterflies, the 'fierce with the tender', and how appropriate this seemed to her personal expression. I took Google to her book, hoping to find the particular reference.
The words 'dragons and butterflies' were not found, so I then used the word 'motorcycle'. I didn't see her story. Oh, how I wished I'd of listened more closely to the tales she loved to tell, for now it is only my possibly inaccurate memory.
As I scrolled down one chapter, I came to these words, describing ME:
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The slow trickle of tears became an outburst of sobbing. How grateful I am for these words! If it were not for these words, as a concrete, objective thing outside of myself, to validate the reality of those days, I might come to think my memories of Laura as having no more substantiality than just another of my 'Michael' fantasies.
But it WAS REAL! It really happened! My shoulders heaved, as I howled while Julia held me. There again, another tether into reality. I sobbed not alone, I had my dear Julia to comfort me while I sobbed.
I felt better after the outburst. It had been growing in me since sunset and it was good to give it release.
