January 1, 2005 Excerpts I tell more about the image above here. It is an amulet of protection, a fitting thing to begin the new year. I have already written many paragraphs in my private journal, working myself from a state of wariness to joy regarding what I did accomplish in the year prior and ideas about how to create more positive change in 2005...

Of course, some of those supposed goals were just the standard knee jerk reaction to the frenzy of New Year's resolutions that so many do at this time of year. Having no basis in REAL desire, they got quickly forgotten. I did make some progress with plans for a future book, buying a PDF making program and assembling some poems and drawings for it:

January 21, 2005 Excerpts The poetry and prose book work has been temporarily set aside for other projects, but I have gotten up to 59 likely prospects...

'Temporarily set aside', how long that that have to be before it's 'permanently' set aside? Still, I don't regard my efforts towards this as wasted. Someday, I will get a clear vision of what I want to do with this book project. The following popped on a day in which I'd noted the horo declaring I would have a 'flash of inspiration'. I think I did:

January 22, 2005 Excerpts I grow in strength and beauty I walk proud. I know my name, I look people in the eye. I smile with pride. I am not ashamed. I bring many beautiful things into being. I speak with a strong voice. I am Joan. I am of SET, I am beloved of SET. I walk with light feet upon the earth. I am beloved of Myself. I am MySelf. I am. I am becoming. I Xeper! I am becoming the perfection I envision.   XEPERA XEPER XEPERU!

The following poem did not come easy. I was exploring why a certain exhortation to "Become Vast! moved me, and it took some digging to get this result:

February 9, 2005 I Want To Become Vast Where are the walls of my mind? Are there any that I can find? If I find one I can touch can I push it very much? How can I expand this land? This mind of mine? With what do I stretch its mileage? If I am not aware, then I am just not there. If I throw the rope beyond the wall, I will see what comes to call. There are so many ways to see more, hear more, learn more, imagine more, BE more. I cast my will this way, I want to become VAST. Of the small minded, entropy is their fortune, inert uniformity, conformity. The small will get smaller. But if I dare to stretch my mind, I leave those boundaries behind. I leap from what was to what will be, thereby declaring possibility. The eye stretches itself as far as it can see,   The ear strains for the faintest echo, I can increase what I know, This is how my mind can grow. This Will I cast, here is my aim. I name it loud, I want to become Vast.

February 11, 2005 Excerpts So much lovely quiet this morning. Even the raindrops have quieted. It is a good space to gather my thoughts. I woke early, with a dream of Laura. Julia, also, had a dream of Laura a couple of days ago. We are counting them as Valentine visits....

After much suffering with sinuses, I have an epiphany:

February 16, 2005 Excerpts After all these years, I think my Aunt June may have been right about one thing. I am pondering the possibility that my sinus headaches, getting so frequent of late may be due to a dairy allergy. I havent' had much milk products today, and my sinuses feel better than they have had in ages. (this with three fancy chocolates in me...) Tomorrow for lunch, there is cheese on top of tuna, so I can track this. I would so dearly love to feel better at any price. If restraining cheese, etc gives me relief, then I will gladly forgo it, for I have been REALLY suffering lately. I think at my age, it is natural to expect increasing sensitivity in all aspects. They mentioned on TV how during menopause, a woman's metabolism changes. I get full so quickly these days. It takes very little food to keep me going. I suppose one could regard this as an upgrade to greater efficiency, if one took that stance. Anyway, I feel happy I have prospects for better health.

February 18, 2005 Set in Moonlight Prior to doing this picture, I wrote of my aims rather longingly: "If I could get the musculature down like some of those other artists, with a sense of vitality, not cartoonish, and..." small version of Set In Moonlight

After over a two week test, I'd figured I'd given this possibility a sufficient test to be reasonably sure:

March 3, 2005 Excerpts I've also fairly determined that milk products aren't the best for me. As highly touted as they are, I'll have to get my calcium from other sources. The great quantities of cheese I'd been ingesting are largely responsible for the sinus and lung congestion I'd been suffering. Also, my joints seem to ache less now that I'm not consuming so much milk products. Years ago, my Aunt June thought I had a milk sensitivity. But I regarded her advice as nonsense. Surprise, not everything one's family tells them is nonsense!

March 4, 2005 Dream of Set Earlier, I read in the livejournals of some Kemeticist who spoke of dreaming of Set. As I grew weary of reading about Phi in 'Serpent in the Sky' and drifted to sleep on the couch, Set appeared to me before a huge Egyptian temple. I understood it to be his ancient temple and that he was gesturing me inward... I wish I could draw the image. Well, I might still could. Dark night was it? Anyway, blocky temple, dark entrance hall, Set pointing to entrance with one hand and gesturing 'come on' with the other. It would make a GREAT picture. Think I'll try to do it.

That picture did not materialize, but perhaps one day it will.

March 13, 2005 Excerpts Yesterday was a lovely day. It started out with a determination to get out 'in a natural setting'. I'm not entirely sure if any such place exists in Yuma, though we do have plenty of parks. We went early in the morning to Smucker's Park. It is a park shaped like a long O, walking path at the outskirts of a large grassy area filled with trees and ramadas. It's not like 'the wildnerness' by a long shot. The whole perimeter of the mile long 'O' one hears the roar of cars. The only critters are birds, and I enjoyed their variety and song. But the apartment door is open now, and I hear quite a lovely bird chorus here. We could not stay long, as Julia had her hair appointment. But the air was deliciously cool. I do so want to enjoy the coolness before the extreme heat of summer comes and there is no respite, except in our various caves. Later, Julia and I stretched our horizons a little and went to Algodones, Mexico with some friends. It is not far to go there, maybe five miles at the most. Yet Julia and I never have ventured there, except once ten years ago when Laura took us there. Oh, it is another world, indeed! The vendors are so desparate to make sales, they really pester you. I had to say, "Just looking" over and over again. One was bound and determined to sell a 'gold' necklace to Julia. I put gold in quotes, for the vendor went from $140 to $40 bucks so quickly. Julia, easily persuaded as she usually is, kept to her resolution, and he did not make a sale. She did buy a dark red shawl and some wine, though. It is good quality wine, 'full-bodied' as the connoisseurs say, and quite cheap. No one ever thinks of Baja California as a wine producer, yet the ideal conditions for grapes exist there as well as in 'Upper' California. I managed to get a few good pictures. The best one is in the photo gallery, of a vendor's shelf filled with charming pottery. However, the group pic I took didn't turn out well, as everyone was a dark silouette against the bright background. But our friend Nick had better success: Before entering Algodones Yes, I look rather Arabian, or something in the hat and long scarf! But my delicate skin is protected.

We continued with our attempts to 'get out and about' while the weather was nice, but one weekend I was met with frustration:

March 26, 2005 Locked Out! After deliberation, we decided to go to the Conservation garden this morning. It combines both short distance and least familiarity, as we haven't been there in a long while. There are trees for shade, and a pond with ducks, so the refreshing and soothing comforts of nature are there. However when we got there, this is what we found: The entrance was firmly LOCKED... So I just peered at one of its trails through the locked door. Perhaps that door will be open for me another day. Things could be worse. A fellow journaller seeking a place of calm serenity found her serenity rather short lived when she found herself LOCKED IN. Things could always be worse.

March 31, 2005 Joyful! I awake feeling joyful. I slept the night entire. I had some weird dreams about flying, and how I could float by just waving my arms. I had such strong upper arms, as they were carrying the weight of my body entire. It was neat, I could float/fly around, and others just smiled at me when I told them it was easy. Then there was a part about a new home, in a trailer park, and red shirts and some weird bits I don't remember well. But the flying, oh I remember that! It was fun. My sleep was quite undisturbed by an event which no doubt HAD to have made some noise. Julia's long closet bar gave way under the strain and splintered into two broken sections. She has so many clothes she never wears. (Okay, I admit I hung a few of my things there, as well. Grin!) It will be a hassle to get that fixed. But mostly, I am joyful this morning.

April 3, 2005 excerpts Fighting the Battle... The 'fighting the battle' Lord of the Rings drawing is up! I have to put it in the gallery now... I am so pleased! This has been an enormously productive weekend! Pleased, pleased, pleased... Ooooh, YES, I'm 'proud of my creation'! (Big EeeeViL GriN!) Hah! And I want to do more of these LotR characters. There's a desktop with Aragorn, oooh, he has a wizardly noble powerful look in his eyes, and I could capture that, ooh! And the one of Frodo, scared, ooh, I could capture that mood, and... I'm jazzed. (Hmm, all this ideas, and then maybe nothing more? So many ideas and projects just sitting, waiting, sigh, inspiration for them run dry.... sigh...) But, hey, I really like what I HAVE been doing... 'Coming into Being', Yay, hooray! (Big EeeeViL GriN!)

April 9, 2005 excerpts I feel a sense of emotional completeness about the LotR series. I think I've dealt with the most salient aspects of the hero's path. Always, the hero's path entwines with that of the initiate's path. I had a small epiphany regarding my art. It seems to bring forth the art, I try to imagine myself in the state of the mind of the subject. For instance, for the guitarist, it is that state of first hearing the music in one's mind that seems to come forth. For Gandalf, the battle-mage, it is that sense of responsive interchallenge that is necessary for a dual, the anticipating and reacting to the fellow dualist's actions. The Gollum figure intrigued me, as I was curious about what it would be like to enter his headspace. To him, I ascribe all the 'beastial' aspects and invoked a sense of pure greed. Then I wanted to balance that with the noble, and Aragorn proved a perfect subject. I tried to invoke a sense of commanding sovereignity, in the sense that he is in alignment with the Power, and is a good ruler of himself. So far, all these were capturing essential elements of the heroic path, but one thing was missing. The role of 'friendship' is an important part, and so in drawing Sam Wise, I invoked a sense of true love for one's companion. So now the series seems complete. What does it mean for future accomplishments? That will be an interesting corner on which to turn.

April 28, 2005 excerpts Rather late in the Illustration week, I did a quick automatic sketch for the Friday Illo theme of 'daring'. The legs, hunched atop a dead limb, of someone reaching for a tasty apple came first. It's rather appropriate, for my main index page is called Out On A Limb Daring to reach for it... After posting this image to the web, I just thought of a previously unrecognized subconscious implication for the 'daring to reach for it' drawing. The person up on the dead tree is daring to reach for an apple, 'DARING TO REACH FOR THE *BIG APPLE*! It's amusing for I've been considering a trip to the 'Big Apple'! The subconscious is so clever at times... Grin!

I had been examining the social aspects of my development. First, I thought myself more to the 'anti-social' side, but then with further examination, I found myself not so 'anti' after all.

May 2, 2005 excerpts ...I thought of some more socially oriented pieces I did. Back in 2002, I wrote a vampire story. Part of the inspiration was finding a scientifically plausible reason for the existence of immortal bloodsuckers. And part of it was character exploration. In the story, some vampires come together and form a real family. It's an extended family. Some of the characters have to experience growth in order to do this. I also illustrated the characters. Illo: http://www.aztriad.com/vampfmly.html Story: http://www.aztriad.com/asifline.html Perhaps I am not so much the 'anti-social' person, after all. Earlier I was reading about Marla Ruzicka, an activist who was killed in Iraq. I am amazed at the efforts of so many people to make the world a better place. It is a unique observation. As I let what I called in that one poem the flame of love rise, so also I find the flame of power getting stronger. To stint either side is to stint the other, as well. I'm always learning...

May 7, 2005 excerpts The small figure of the 'Typhon Hero' (aka SET) points to the Statue of Liberty, as if to say, 'Don't you want to see her in person?'

At this point, I didn't know if I would really have the guts to go to NYC, and so this 'automatic' doodle reflects that:

May 11, 2005 excerpts an 'automatic' drawing... 'Treading water' occurs when the swimmer doesn't move in any specific direction. But is this bird leaving behind her fixed position and about to take flight?

May 13, 2005 "A Decision Is Made" Friday the 13th Heh heh, but hey, that should be 'lucky' for us 'darkies', right? So I awaken with thoughts, dreaming of all that absorbing...36,000 pieces of Egyptian artifacts, all kinds of art, new and medium old, the 'Lady', the ground zero, and am thinking maybe this has to be a pilgrimage for ME. People do that, take pilgrimages alone, sensing a CALL.... Something is there, that is saying this is the time now... Julia understands this extravagance. it seems pure extravagance, but it's an extravagance I seem to be needing. I remember a book that I borrowed from the library, but only glanced at, of a woman who traveled alone to the remotest regions of the planet. She traveled alone! She did this purely for herself. This purely selfish thing to explore the world on her own terms. It seems to me this is a pilgrimage that has got to be... calling, calling, calling. I remember all the callings. Laura called, Julia called, anytime there is this unmistakeable sense, it's meant to be... And, yes, the day I found the pages speaking of Xeper and SET, I felt him calling, calling.... That woman who traisped the world alone... callling, calling, calling. some odd magnetic home point there on that shore of the Lady with the upraised arm... calling, calling, calling. maybe giving all sorts of magnetic calling points on Terra a stability.... I have to trust that feeling. It's all I have to go on, deep inside my gut... xxxxxx The airline website is up... my card is before me... Julia understands this wild extravagance... or at least is tolerant, ;) xxxxxx shall I now bring this thing into being? Shall I declare it an intended, focused goal? Shall I proceed to make it so? It won't happen until I make it happen. I can dream about it all day long... but it takes action to make a dream real... action, do, not just think... I could 'think' forever... But I will be yellow chicken not true to myself, big pile of piss, outdone by life, loser if I let my fear have the best of me... I don't want to be that person. I really don't want to be that person. That person is NOT me... xxxxxx Fare Summary (for 1 Passenger) Fare $432.00 September 11th Security Fee, taxes and fees $37.80 Grand Total USD $469.80 xxxxxx Oooh, self indulgent me, piggy me... ooh-h-h-... But this will make me a better person, I will be braver, more educated, more experienced, it will help my Xeper.... I wanna... I do wanna... I'm not a pissy coward, not a pissy coward... about to click the 'purchase' box... 36,000 pieces of Egyptian artifacts, lady....ambience,... maybe, hah, maybe see a few like minded people, 36,000 artifacts, lotsa other art... get away, 'a change will do you good', like the lady was singing to me on the radio... a change... a chance for growth... and I won't grow if I stagnant... I wanna... xxxxxx Confirmation Date Issued 13MAY05 Form of Payment Visa XXXX-XXXX-XXXX-XXXX Amount $469.80 USD xxxxxx I did it! Whee! I go away! whee!

May 24, 2005 "4:35pm" I'll be 'away from the computer' May 25 through May 30, for I will be soon heading off to NYC for the museums, the 'Lady' and the other enlightening endeavors. I'm smiling, nervous but happily excited. I finished every single item on the job line, the bar is bare! It's a little thing, but it enables me to relax more, knowing I'm not leaving in a busy time. Although away from the computer, I shall be keeping a handwritten journal while gone.

May 25, 2005 "5:02am" Think I'm ready. Rather nervous. (Ah yes, just 'observe' and 'be aware' of the nervousness, no running commentary on it.) Of course I have to pee every second... Well, I think it's time to sign off. When I'm back, then I'm back, with all sorts of tales... Xepera Xeper Xeperu! And away I go...

May 26, 2005 "Excerpts" Along Central Park West...

May 27, 2005 "Excerpts" A 'Cathedral' to Art...

I wish I hadn't have been so tired, or I would have opted for the boat ride that stops at the Lady, which allows for more intimate views. But I got that tiredness through much walking, through museums, through Central Park, so I'm not complaining. At least I got to see the Lady this close:

May 27, 2005 "Excerpts" Lady Liberty...

No later than just one day after being back from the NYC adventure, I was already thinking about new adventures:

May 31, 2005 "Excerpts" The Tut show is in Los Angeles June 16, 2005 - November 15, 2005... In any case, I'm going to drag Julia there sometime in July...

June 1, 2005 "Excerpts" I had an idea for that 'mutate' illustration, the outside ring does a mutation, dna link at bottom, eye at top (similar shape) and inbetween, perhaps a chaotic looking spidery threading of tendrils and mutating from one to the other. (I spent part of today thinking about this...) But right now I'm pooped . Lack of sleep has caught up to me. I can't focus on words to read them much... ...so NO more web work, NO nothing, just sweet sleep. (I was so hyper and happy about successfully accomplishing my 'mission', that I just had to html and picturize like crazy.) But the batteries have run down... 6:42pm and I'm calling it quits tonight.

June 2, 2005 "Excerpts" good quote: The artist writes compulsively, as a way of knowing himself . . . He writes for those glimpses of order that form can make momentarily visible. --John Ciardi 2:02am this weekend, I will try to draw that mutated pentagram, and... maybe empty that suitcase, heh heh... ...but NOW, now I will go back to bed... grin!

I include Ciardi's quote in this 'summary of the year', for as I sift through my rather 'compulsive' journalling output, I indeed find the prevailing pattern to my life.

June 5, 2005 "Dynamic Mutation" I've placed this piece within the 'Automatic Drawing' gallery, although it was not completely done in that fashion. The 'assignment' was to illustrate the concept of mutation, within the constrains of a pentagram. Part of this design was conceived with conscious effort, but once I got started, the intuitive mind took over. I tried to have an organic effect, as mutation to me is a very organic thing. I'm trying to convey a mutation of consciousness as well, for the eye signifies consciousness. The two 'cat eyes' also signify consciousness, as well, but that as is possessed by animals. The little branchings out that just dwindle off suggest the mutations that don't succeed.

That was my first attempt at creating an illustration for the mutating pentacle. It has a certain sort of 'raw' effectiveness, but maybe for illustration purposes, it is a little TOO 'raw'. So I gave the concept another try:

June 7, 2005 "Excerpts" 4:18pm I kept playing with ideas at work, and this popped: A standard pentagram of Set, not broken, with a Dna strand weaving in and around it into the center, in which Set, either as Set himself or half dragon has the ankh in his hand, zapping the dna with life, lighting bolt streaks almost hitting the dna strand. Maybe white pentagram on black, red Set, grey dna until it's zapped, where it turned yellow. Next question, (after attempting a few compositional sketches), how do I make this thing so it's not cartoon like? Aii-i-i-i-i! Hah, all I have managed to do, besides create funky sketches, is create a very large Pentagram of Set, 26K in gif form... And now I just stare at it, mesmerized by its perfection.... feeling all that potent power in it.... Anything I do to it seems an insult... 9:26pm I found a way to aid my efforts. However, the outer ring will have to be the dna chain, as before. It can be tamed down, all even, perfect dna pieces, and the mutation just one of color. But the difficulty of getting Set to be resting on the pentacle in a believeable fashion makes his hand with the energizing ankh have to be pointing outwards at the outer ring. I will continue this project later, for I am pooped. But at least I am leaving it in a place where I know where it's going to go. A *LOT* more work awaits, but the process ahead is clear...

June 11, 2005 "Pic Is Done!" Evolve! This was one of the hardest pictures I've ever done, as it was quite challenging to figure out how to bring the vision I had into being. But it has been very rewarding.

June 19, 2005 "Excerpts" I wake full of thoughts. I much enjoyed yesterday's games night. So fascinating, the types of intelligences. One is very good at Boggle, assembling the long words to achieve amazing scores. I have an ease with that game for finding the short words. I am madly scribbling, my hawk eye brain seeing lots of them. But the long word finder beat me handily. However, I was slow of brain with Trivial Pursuit, while others knew all that trivia. I marvel at the capacity of these folks to hold all that knowledge in their heads. Julia's one of the ones who are good at that. She can rattle off obscure facts all the day long. I accumulate knowledge slowly. I read slowly. I have to really chew the text to be able to absorb its knowledge. But I've come to the conclusion that I am not shy at all. I like being around people. I like the dynamic interchanges that occur when people of such differing talents come together. I'm keenly interested in people and what makes them tick. I enjoy what I am able to add to the conversations. I just have the slow brain, that is processing huge amounts of data. In the face to face, there is so much information to process. Via the written word, there is very little. Everything must come through in the shading of subtle nuances of word-meaning. It is the hawk eye brain that can find these subtleties. One thing is a joyful thought. What ever my skills are in a certain arena, I can improve. I don't feel bad that I am not good at all skills, as I used to. That was an old me that used to sorrow over that, and she no longer exists . I relax, take things as they come, am patient with myself. This is a change I welcome and embrace. Life continues to amaze me with all its possibilities for growth.

June 27, 2005 "I Was the Child Who Dreamed" With These Two Hands of my Dreams I was the child who dreamed great dreams. I said, "I will be great." Adults smiled, humored. I was the child who dreamed. I was the teen who said, "My flame will not die as I get old." Adults smiled, humored. I was the teen who dreamed. Passion's pulse throbbed through me. The years went by, by and by. I am the adult who dreams great dreams, who ponders what she will create, who hopes many things, and who knows her flame did not die, will not die, will continue, and this not even death will stop, I am the one who dreams, who has always dreamed, and will always dream. I have won this far. Struggles are only there to learn and become stronger.   I have won this far. With these two hands of my dreams the two hands of my flesh will make them come true. I am the one who dreams. JAL, 6-27-05 While the music to "Gettysburg" played

July 7, 2005 was the day Julia and I went to Los Angeles to see the King Tut exhibition. It was wonderful sharing this adventure with her. Each part of the day was delightful, except, of course, my chaffed thighs. Getting there early, we at first spent time at the La Brea Tar Pit and Museum. We spent some time just sitting on a bench and staring at the tarry pond before us:

July 7, 2005 "La Brea Tar Pits" Yes, I could smell tar (Bubbles of methane gas would periodically surge forth, as well)

I wish they would have allowed us to take pictures of the things in the Tut exhibition, but at least I have the catalogue from it. When we were finished with seeing that exhibition, the large shopping bag with Tut's golden face on it was all they needed to see to know that we were paid up for admission to the rest of the museum. By the hour it was time to go out and wait for the Supershuttle, both of us felt we'd had a rich day, indeed.

July 8, 2005 "Excerpts" While Julia and I were off on our vacation day, seeing the treasures of King Tut, senseless acts of terrorism were happening in London. The latest BBC article reports at least 50 people were killed and 700 injured in five separate attacks. I know from 9-11, how these attacks feel like an attack upon the whole nation, so my heart goes out to everyone living in England.

July 9, 2005 "Excerpts" 1:30am I have figured out why I can't sleep. As I laid in bed, I got almost like a panic attack, wondering if some new terrorist thing had happened in the world. I checked BBC news, and there is just the update that they are studying the wreckage. I have to remember to do deep breathing...

After drawing mutating pentacles a month ago, I was somehow seeing them in a seemingly 'innocent' drawing:

July 9, 2005 "The Offering" Any words would seem to limit this drawing. That is, any surface self derived words.... a peaceful place, an offering, a growing place, offered in refinement flowers test the waters, then drink deeply. WHY the pocket-cup? I dunno. In the previous warm up auto drawing, I kept drawing pockets, too. I notice the point down nature of the pocket. The flowers are where the two upper points would be of a point down pentagram, and the thumb and forefinger make the other two points. Then, if you take the points of the pocket, a pentagram can be made from connecting these points, as well: Okay, what I see next in this drawing was influenced by seeing the small thumbnail just underneath the images of Set on the index page. Maybe the raspberry ale, too. I can see a front angle view of Set, also. For a picture I wasn't going to analyze, I sure am seeing stuff in it!

I am closing out the remembrance of this past year with this passage I just plain like:

July 14, 2005 "Thirsty" Time for some water, I am thirsty for more than just water... I am thirsty for that 'undefiled wisdom', I will seek the mysteries, mysteries growing like dandelions in the cracks of the pavement of life. Disregarded by the other walkers, but stubborn to persist through the concrete, I will see these beauties. I will go 'where angels fear to tread', and find the One with the dragon wings, I will smile at my 'dangerous alignment', and if you don't understand, well, you can keep to the common corners and huddle with the others, and maybe I will be the thing you see streaking through the sky, on the back of a Dragon. And you won't understand, and you will say, "What was that?" And I will be smiling, although you will not be able to see it.

~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~

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