Of course, that picture was taken Thursday, the day of lift off, and how exciting that was! I was finally breaking the stasis of 'I never go anywhere'.

View of the San Francisco bridge... A walk to and back on the magnificent bridge featured in Friday's activities...

I wish I had taken pictures of the beautiful Presidio Park, where I was at in the evening. Ah well, I have the memories of it. After the dry heat of Yuma, I welcomed the shivering and that strangely moist air. At least I did take quite a few museum pics. Particularily memorable is learning about Nagas:

Nagaraja, Serpent King, India, Mathua area, Uttar Pradesh state, sandstone. Nagas are supernatural serpents who have partial or complete human form. In the Naga King sculpture, the man and the seven headed serpent are two forms of the same being. Nagas are associated with fertility and the life giving powers of water in the worlds rivers, lakes and oceans. They are usually benevolent.

I wish I'd taken more pictures, but I did preserve a written record, at least. Grateful I am for such 'scrolls'. By Sunday evening, my senses were quite loaded, not 'overloaded', but I was quite on a 'high', indeed. And then, I suppose it's predictable. Returning to mundane life, I felt a bit of let down, and complained of it publicly. But then I found a way to ease that:

August 6, 2004 As I listened to the passionate music of Josh Groban, I remembered this time one week ago in the oceanside park, a veritable forest of tall trees as background for those gathered, it seemed Groban was singing to me: "Face the truth to realize all that we could be, torn apart by rage and fear. Hold on to what brought you here, don't let it go. Never let it go." I am there again in memory, in that realm of tall trees, with the bracing breeze, and I hear Groban urge, "Hold on to what brought you here." and affirm I won't let it go. I beat the fear in order that I might Become. I will continue to do so, each step of the way of my journey, I will hold on to all that brings me there. Ever the cyclical process, XEPERA, XEPER, XEPERU, I won't let it go!

I wasn't entirely done with yearning:

August 10, 2004 Yuma's mean temperature has been 100F (37C) these past few days. A mean heat it is, yesterday the high was 111F (43C) and it got no cooler than 91F (32C) this early morning. I am not dealing well with it at all. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a desert girl. Earlier, I was looking at a map of Egypt. I could see the rich and verdant Nile river area. Off to the west were a few desert oases, which were strongholds of SET during ancient times. The barren environment and harsh weather drove people to find inner strength. There is something peculiar about the desert that calls to me. It always has. However, rather than the bleak barrenness of the nearby sand dunes, I find myself dreaming of the tall stands of saguaros and prickly pear cacti that are so abundant in the Tucson area. And it's cooler in Tucson. Their mean temperature has been ten degrees less mean than Yuma's. And they have museums and zoos, and . . . . . . it's not surprising that being in the REAL city of San Francisco for four days has had some effect. I met a few people so charmed by it they were hoping to move there. Oh, I'm still a desert girl. But I remember the vibes of Tucson, the 'city excitement' feel, mixed with less virulent desert heat. And there's more variety of weather there. It actually rains and thunderstorms in Tucson. Maybe all of three days a year Yuma gets actual gray stormy weather. Still, I remember the admonition to myself when I got nervous over making the trip to San Francisco, "Anywhere I go, there *I* am." The beautiful things I have seen in these cities were discovered because *I* had the ability to see them. As I looked through all the photos here at aztriad.com, I saw so many lovely ones that were taken here in Yuma. We have had some very good times here. It puts it all in perspective, "Anywhere I go, there *I* am." I must find within myself the beauty I seek. This relentless heat is temporary, and Yuma will again be a gentle place.

Yes, there is rejoicing:

August 13, 2004 excerpt Friday joy, it was time to go out and celebrate. To Outback we went, in jubilant spirits. The wind was kicking up, indicative of a small chance of getting a storm. Julia selected swordfish, and I got a twin set of pork chops, figuring one of them would be tomorrow's lunch. Midway through our feast, Julia asked me, "Do you know what day it is?" I thought for a bit, Friday the Thirteenth, no, it's more than that..."Why it's our ANNIVERSARY!" It's our TEN year anniversary, and most fortunate I've been to have Julia at my side. Her gentle spirit is a good complement to my fiercer one. And hopefully, I bring some zest to her quiet life. I remember our anniversary two years ago, when our friends helped us have a memorial for Laura, who died end of July 2002. I am so grateful that in 1994, Laura had the foresight to welcome Julia into our lives. Tonight, Laura smiles in our direction, from where ever she has gone. As she did while here, I continue to live life with passion.

When I first heard a talk about the electrical fields surrounding the human body and the possibility of life after death, I heard it with a skeptical ear. My 'rational' side couldn't embrace it. However, after watching The Elegant Universe, I had an epiphany:

August 14, 2004 These Deeper Realities This can be seen as an act of union... Mystery dwells in darkness. As I play receptive 'snake' to SET, from me is purged 'the light'. But this is a deceptive light. This is a 'light' which declares only that which is seen in the light of day with our five senses, comprising the three dimensions is reality. So, in darkness, I allow for that which I don't know yet. I cast aside the judgmental self which claims certainty. Mystery dwells in darkness, and I wait for that which has not yet been revealed. It is so easy to say only that which is perceived with our five senses is all that there is. Yet science is showing us day by day, there is more than that. Scientists probe the realities unseen with our naked eye, and we know there is more than that. Gravity holds the large mass bodies of stars and planets in their places and relative orbits, stars not moving very much, just slightly as in precessional movement. There among the large bodies, is the ordering element. But in the tinier worlds within the tiny atoms, there are yet other types of ordering elements, the 'strong force' which holds the nuclei together and a weaker, more chaotic force. How, then to make these separate ordering systems come together, that is what scientists today study with the 'string theory'. Mathematically it all holds together, and they hope to have physical proof for these 'strings' which calm down the chaos at the quantum level. They posit in addition to the dimension of time, and the three dimensions of 'up/down, left/right, forth and back' an additional seven dimensions for these strings and membranes to move about. My mind boggles. We have clearly proven the existence of the invisible to our naked eye atoms and their inner particles. To one never seeing the proof, they might declare this is all wild eyed fantasy, philosophy at very best. Yet we have created the tools which allow us to know these deeper realities. So in marvel I am at that. These scientific discoveries were once unrevealed Mysteries waiting in the darkness. So I embrace Darkness, and all the Mysteries yet to be revealed. At this point, I thought I'd let Deep Self speak: If I take it here with elemental speed, shall we have the revealing? All that is Surface Self shall pass away. Only that Essential Spark goes on. But this is your True Self, anyway. You will carry your Xeper (growth) with you into your next life. But all that is temporal, rooted to this here space and time, in this flesh house, THAT goes! No more 'Joan Lansberry'. But that Deep Self which has served to inspire, and will continue to inspire, will continue to inspire housed in a new flesh body. You marvel that you have given your Daimonic Self a man's face and frame? Daimonic Self, though connected to your flesh frame, is yet beyond it, transcends it. This vast, unexplored region holds the keys to past and future. You know this vast, timidly explored region holds the keys to the underlying Matrix which holds all together. Trust then, the hand that holds those keys. It is your Self, your Divine Self. Let the fearful say otherwise. You know the surety of those keys. Trust then, the hand that holds those keys. JAL, 8 - 14 - 04 Now, this 'trust' isn't as in 'blind faith', but rather to have confidence in Deep Self. Experience has shown me Deep Self is a revealer of Mystery, and so based upon prior experience, I can have confidence. Up until this point, conscious surface self wasn't really willing to acknowledge immortality of the soul. Oh, I'd received many messages from Deep Self concerning it, but I always held myself aloof from this hope. Somehow, understanding the true nature of Deep Self, I know this is my immortal essence. 'Joan Lansberry' will pass away, and only what effects she has brought about in the objective universe will continue to give immortality to that name, so long as the results of her actions continue to have an effect on the objective universe. But that divine Spark within her, this will go on. I feel myself large with hope.

It took me awhile after finishing my colored pencil portrait of Set to get it up on the wall. I like this picture, for also there is Laura smiling at me:

September 4, 2004 I got Seti framed. I found some special paper to put at the sides, for Seti did not want to be trapped in a 9x12 frame. So the paper suggests the desert, as if he were being viewed in a door frame of an adobe house. Also, I made an attempt at hieroglyphics on the one side.

Working myself out of the 'blues':

September 7, 2004 excerpts Sadness is my mood. I feel glum. I am not the only one. Shall I attempt a deep self probe? All in this, the quiet despair. Will attaching loudness to it help, the better to know the horrored sections within? Sadness therein, sadness only if helpless... ...I cannot bear soft despair, it will not do. The muffling of voice like so much strangling. I need to breathe free. (breathe deeply.) I need to embrace myself and love myself, and remind myself of my hidden heritage, and He who has spoken to me in the night. I will not despair now, I will postpone it. I will be quiet and await the unraveling of signs. A strange quote: "Reality is not clearly and immediately apprehended, except by those who have made themselves loving, pure in heart and poor in spirit." - Aldous Huxley What the H*ll does THAT mean? I do not want to be 'poor in spirit'. I will leave to those who wear sheets on their souls this sad and lacking vision. Not for me, this paucity of spirit! I aim for richness of spirit, all the richness I can stand. I shall own it all, all the insights I can gather, all that I can bring into myself. Fie! On 'poorness of spirit'. This is no way out of despair! Rich jewels for MY spirit, and plenty! I shall bedeck myself splendidly.

Notice the phrasing in the above poem, awaiting "the unraveling of signs". I next had two rather important dreams. One, which I will speak of here, was a "Dream of Vampire Gathering" which preceded by two days the arrival of an unexpected book about vampires. I noticed this package was postmarked on the 13th of September, the day before I had this dream. I am so full of curiousity about the mysteries:

September 14, 2004 excerpts I am ever at this moment questing. I do not stop questing. There is so much wonder and so little time to solve it. But must I 'solve' it? The veil of mystery retreats with me, it advances with me, it shall ever be just ahead to entice. I think that I shall love this maddening Mystery. Save it be for those wanting the smooth path not to embrace puzzles. But I do, even if the puzzle breaks in my hand and splinters into many cutting pieces. I want to know! I always want to know! I shall never cease wanting to know. Even in the Great Sleep, I shall be waiting, waiting, waiting. Then on the threshold of worlds unseen, to be turned again into worlds seen, I shall embrace it ALL OVER AGAIN! This is my pledge, this is my plea. It pleases me, even though it maddens me. Mystery of the perfumed flower, I smell it from a far, so strong is its fragrance...

"There is so much wonder and so little time to solve it." No wonder the next message from Deep Self was the following:

September 26, 2004 excerpts You say you are 'old', but you are young and spirit knows this. Trust the unveiling of time. Your hands will be the ones to gently unveil it. GENTLY! is the clue.

At the beginning of a new adventure, I sought inspiration from the Tarot. It is interesting, my words just before the Tarot adventure spoke of 'secret fountains of renewal': (excerpt from October 8, 2005) "And once again, as I did when young, I have the religious excitement. I do not know what will come forth from me. I do not know. Each day is the unveiling. And each day I await that unveiling. I am not too old, I who have come home to me. There are the secret fountains of renewal. If I apply my mind, I can bring forth what needs to be brought forth." And those fountains came up in the Tarot inspiration, as well:

October 10, 2004 "The Star Seeker" We went to the local new age shop in search of new music. I looked around and saw a card with the 'STAR' tarot card and felt moved to get it. I discovered it had a scatch off tarot reading within it. Not only was 'The Star' on the cover, it came up as 'my influence', reminding me to trust my inner feelings. The lady seemed to represent Illuminaria, my ideal self. However, the brown haired lady in the card didn't look like me, so I was inspired to draw my own card. Okay, this lady doesn't look like me currently, but she at least resembles my idealized Self! Also, the booklet that comes with the 'Thoth' deck explains the 'STAR' card symbolizes clarity of vision and spiritual insight. It is just the thing for beginning a new adventure . . .

I found myself infused with a 'tingly sense of optimism':

October 27, 2004 excerpts Finished Tarot Death Card, 10-23-05 I've been busy examining samples of various tarot decks, becoming fascinated with the diversity and becoming more determined that I am going to create my own set, based on my results with the first card I did. As a mysterious concidence, the day I did the coloring of the Death Card, little did I know that at the same time was being held a Bay Area Tarot Symposium. I like to think the energies that were raised there wafted my way. As I read about it, I noticed the location where it was held, Franklin St.. I've walked on Franklin street. Memories are indeed among my best possessions. Anyway, I'm jazzed. Later Saturday evening, Julia and I had a lovely visit with friends. At one point, we heard their door open and close. It was not an especially windy night. I felt Laura's spirit wanting to join the fun, for the table was one the three of us had once sat at and had enjoyed fellowship. As Halloween comes closer, I feel a tingly sense of optimism. The mysterious, magical energies are rising higher. I am glad to have this awareness and to any detractor I will only say such things enrich my life. I do not think they are only self-created, for there are other self-directed beings out there, aware and similarly creating them.

Again, I find reminders to 'be patient':

November 4, 2004 excerpts This poem found quoted at John Bailey's journal really reminds me of the initiatory process: Considering the Snail   The snail pushes though a green night, for the grass is heavy with water and meets over the bright path he makes, where rain has darkened the earth's dark. He moves in a wood of desire,   pale antlers barely stirring as he hunts. I cannot tell what power is at work, drenched there with purpose, knowing nothing. What is a snail's fury? All I think is that if later I parted the blades above the tunnel and saw the thin trail of broken white across litter, I would never have imagined the slow passion to that deliberate progress.   Thom Gunn Hmmmm, meanwhile, I find this quote: "In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest." - Henry Miller Yes, amazing how it all has to do with the process of initiation. Mystery's at it again.

Still, there were more reminders to 'be patient'.

November 5, 2004 excerpts Reading about a Franz Bardon, who has quite the reputation as an adept magician, I am spooked to learn "What we do know is that he was born in Czechoslovakia in 1909 and that he died in 1958. Too weird! Birthplace of my ancestors and dying the year I was born. A superficial glance at Bardon reveals he has some themes I can relate to. Others are iffy. However, he did have this to say: "Initiation is not a race. It matters little if it takes you 30 years to reach the 10th Step or if it takes only 10 years. Progress at your own pace (without dawdling) and practice both patience and perseverance."

Marking the passing of another natal year...

November 10, 2004 Fourty Sixth Birthday! That this could be of the last half of my life cannot be denied. However if I live to 96 as gramma did, that middle point would be 48. Heh, heh, I'm still young yet! No mold on me. Heh heh. I am fortunate. The only health problems I have are a bit of arthritis and a varicose vein in my ankle. Oh, and the excess weight, which I'm slowly working on. I'm not over the hill yet. November 11, 2004 excerpts One of the birthday wishes I received said, "Happy Be-lated Birthday my dear! One more year of knowledge under the belt!" I thanked 'Fuguee' and then said that was a good way to put it, one more year of knowledge. It is particularily apt now than I am on the third read through of a particular text, and it seems as though I am a different self than the selves which read it the earlier times. I am still finding things I didn't see before, and am understanding familiar passages with a different perspective. KNOWLEDGE, it's a wonderful thing. It is the beginning of the path to both power and wisdom. May power and wisdom always be wed together!

Observations...

November 24, 2004 excerpts Maybe I should go back to bed now. The twitches are out of me, and I have new knowledge... But first I checked the horoscope: Uranus trine Venus... And then I checked the lists... A fellow groupmember is dealing with death at this time, two loved ones died. I sent my sympathies. Processing the grief is one of the hardest things a person can do. I still remember the desperate feelings I had when Laura died and for many months afterwards. I'm a lot stronger now, but I still miss her. As we were in the new Lane Bryant, I spotted a red silky nightgown in a style Laura would have loved. I 'told' Laura, "You shouldn't have died, now look what you are missing." Yeah, she'd have wanted that red nightgown with the low V neck and the high split in the front, and the high bodice just encapsulating the tits just right. Yeah, she'd of loved that nightgown. Hum, 2:35am, time to go back to bed...

Marking the holiday...

November 25, 2004 excerpts Whew! I just ordered Mom's Xmas presents. One vest, like the ones I've been enjoying and a button front v neck sweater. The berry color should please her as it's cool, muted tones, as bright as it can be within that 'season'. the vest of the green I have... After watching the odd movie Sideways, and an 'on the street' interview by a TV reporter (in which Julia was quite articulate, but I was not), we went to Yuma Landing and had delicious barbecued ribs. Then we rushed home to watch the news. My mother must be out for Thanksgiving, as she did not answer her phone. I hope she is having a good time tonight...

My hopes were not to be...

November 26, 2004 "My Mother Is Dead!" Oh my god, I can't believe it. While I was at work, my half brother Dan called. He never calls, so when Julia told me he called, I knew it had to be bad. But I thought, "Let's not panic and make assumptions," all the while my hands are shaking. So I called my mother's house first, however the phone ringing had an empty sound. Then I called my brother. Thursday, he'd called Mother at noon to make plans to pick her up for Thanksgiving. Mom said she didn't feel well, and wasn't up to going. Then at 3:30pm he got a call from my mother's neighbor. She found my mother fallen on the ground at the foot of the steps to her back door. It was snowy, and maybe she slipped. Or maybe she had the stroke first and then fell. The next part is unclear. Anyway, my Mother ended up at Loyola Hospital, and they spent the rest of Thanksgiving and this morning with her. But the doctors could do nothing for her. She died at noon today, which would have been 11:00am our time. I feel so bad. I was going to go visit her this summer. I was determined. I'd already bought her Christmas presents. One vest, like the ones I've been enjoying and a button front vee neck sweater. The berry color would have pleased her as would have the green of the vest, the same as the one I have. Now her skinny little body has no need of warmth ensuring garments. She was so skinny. She was trying hard to get some pounds on her, but I don't know if she got past 100 pounds. I feel so bad. I feel so stinking bad. We just talked so recently, and she sounded fine. She had the same ol' aggravations like car troubles and what not. But she sounded healthy, she sounded fine. I feel so bad. I wish I'd have gone with my original plans last summer, to go to San Franscisco and then to Chicago. But travel was scary, and so I just did the one set of planes. I wish she'd have hung on one more year. I'd have made it up there, I would have. I feel so bad. I took this picture of Mom when I came home for Dad's funeral in 1993

November 27, 2004 "Coming to Terms" Last night was spent dealing with the shock. I'd felt as if my head had been physically injured. Now my head is clear, and doesn't feel 'injured', but I feel sick and shivery all over. My throat hurts. I hope I don't get sick. Today, my brother will call regarding the funeral plans. All sorts of memories are coming to me. The difficult ones, too. The ones of the divorce and a wailing Mother, and . . . and . . . She'd say sometimes if she knew then what she knows now, she'd have done so many things different. Of course she would have. Of course we all would have. I'd just like to know what a future Self would be telling me about NOW, the best way to handle it. Future Self, current Self? Where are you? Eclipse all, the consuming grief. Fireflies fly over the death, gathering gloom weaving it into brilliant tapestries. Why? Because it is their nature. Death can be transformed, transforming. She will journey on. But will her journey be easier in the future?   That is for her to decide. Will she? I'd like for her to be happy. That is for her to decide. Meanwhile stands now a gate and a gate. Mind ye which ones you take. The others may be too late. Saved remembrance is saved treasure. Gather what you can, apply it to your world. Save the treasures, discard the rest. Set your mother free. Let her roam her new path. All you can do is say goodbye. JAL, 11-27-04

November 28, 2004 "Coming to Joliet" Well, I'm all packed and I think I haven't forgotten anything. All our coats were too heavy to haul around. Some were also too big. I won't be borrowing Julia's coat, even though she kindly offered it. So I went to Sears and invested in the coat version of the fleece vest. It, doubled with the vest, should be quite warm, and it rolls up nicely into the carry on bag. A few months ago, I got a nice Eddie Bauer bag, with zillions of compartments. It is so much nicer than that big yellow boxy thing I hauled around in S.F. I've spoken with Dan and Cathy, and they know I'm coming and when and where to meet up. With all this done, and me freshly bathed, I feel much better. During the day Tuesday, we will be going to Mother's house and going through stuff. This is good, for I very much want to do this. How strange and empty that house will be! I will be saying goodbye to it, as well. Well, growth is a process, and this will be a process. I will be meeting myself, too, in odd corners I hadn't expected. I will be meeting old versions of myself, ghost like apparitions of selves that used to be. In all of this, much dust, I expect. I need to do this, I know. And knowledge of that need, and means to accomplish it will make this all come into being. Forth into the unknown, forth into the known, forth into what has been and what will be, and I am on the threshold of it all. I will bid my mother a good journey into her dark unknowns.

November 29, 2004 "Coming to Joliet" I'm dressed, my bags are packed, I shall be leaving soon on the mechanical winged bird. I shall return again with new tales. Until then, take care, stay well, and may peace, wisdom and strength be yours. "Oh majesty of SET, hear me, look upon me and go with me upon this journey!" PLEASE?

December 1, 2004 "Home!" 9:57pm I've been back a few hours. Julia cooked peas and made me a grilled cheese sandwich. I was quite hungry as there was no time between planes to eat. What a mad dash I had after I realized that plane 1 arrived just when plane 2 was loading. But fortunately, there was a slight delay and I had a chance to catch my breath. So glad to be back. I did need to be there on so many levels, but now it's good to be back home...

December 2, 2004 excerpts 4:55am I lay awake, remembering scenes from Joliet. In particular, my mother in the casket, looking as natural as a dead person can. They made her red and bony hands look even toned and not so bony. They made all of her look not so bony. She never had sizeable breasts in life, but they gave 'em to her in death. The pink sweater that was chosen became her well. The preacher asked me what my mother was like, and I had hopes he would use the information in his address to the loved ones. He didn't. But I told him about how my mother was always so fiercely inquisitive about everything, always reading books to learn new things, constantly seeking the mysteries on both the physical and metaphysical planes. Indeed, in her house, I found many tall towers of books stacked up... 6:50am Oddly, I feel more like the mythic vampire, who watches all the mortals he has loved die, while he remains. This sorrow will always be a part of life. This bitter sadness, always. But as time goes by, I'll find more of the sweet. I know from past loss, this is so. For right now, I'll just trust that memory.

December 3, 2004 excerpts 5:59am I awaken with busy thoughts on a wide variety of topics. Part of them were of my Mother. I will always have a Mother-shaped hole in my heart. I will always have a Laura shaped hole. This is just the way it is. I wouldn't want to not have this reaction to the death of someone I love. To love deeply is part of life's richest treasures. I have a vast heart and there is plenty of room for those 'holes'. There's lots more in there besides 'holes' and all of it makes the complete picture. The inner door of my mother's house.

December 4, 2004 excerpts 11:53am My mother was so pretty in this picture: This is how I shall remember her.

December 4, 2004 "Dark Eternal Prince" On this night most cold, inside me I am needing the Heat. Dance with me, Dark Eternal Prince. Let within me the Flame rise! All around me, mediocracy and complacency. Rise within me, the Flame! If I am sad, let it not be a weak sadness. Dance with me, Dark Eternal Prince! If I am an orphan, Nuit is still my mother - Dance with me, Dark Eternal Prince! JAL, 12 - 4 - 04 SET, the One with 'the Ears'!

December 9, 2004 "excerpts" 5:28am I feel lighter and happier than I've been. It is a good sign. I think the cathartic work I did yesterday in the journal helped greatly with my understanding...

It was the private journalling that was so greatly helpful. I wrote many things I would not want for public eyes, but that were necessary for me to process. The sense of hurt and anger gave way to understanding and a sort of acceptance.

December 9, 2004 "Farewell" Seeking the Depth Within, I sat down with paper and pencils. My mother's recent death is reflected here, as her spirit ascends skyward. I stand on the shore and wave goodbye, as does Seti. I'd originally meant to draw his forked tail, but it looks like he's waving goodbye, as well.

December 9, 2004 "excerpts" 1:38pm must say I am feeling much better now... being creative does that for me... Yeah, maybe I'm growing through this process after all...

December 9, 2004 "excerpts" 8:34pm Dan and I talked and I am to get the big box of Mom's ashes. I just thought the sorry thought, I only visit when shes dies, and she only visits when she dies. Lame, huh?

The next piece was a real stretch for me. The goal was to come up with an invocation that is usable in a group setting. It was quite scary, and I didn't have much confidence in myself. But I managed a first draft. With a little judicious editing, it became a workable piece. So I am proud of this effort:

December 18, 2004 "Invocation" INVOCATION Be still, the noisy places of our minds! Quietly, we enter the sacred space and in so doing,   declare ourselves full ready. Come, then, arise sweet perfection of Mystery, Allure us with your hidden secrets, Nuit, you are Mother of the Gods. You are the diamond studded sky, your arms extended wide, embracing the stars therein Thus, we are enfolded in Darkness. In Darkness, our brilliance shines. Everything begins in Darkness. Set, Son of Nuit, who tore your being from your Mother's womb, We call to you this night. You, 'Before Whom the Sky Shakes', dazzling with power, Who is within us tonight. See through our eyes Move within us, No stranger to us Strength personified and magnified. You lit within the divine spark, You exalt with us the Will to Come Into Being, and exult our Pride as we do yours. Together, shall our glory be known, and we declare our Will. We declare the Design. Pattern and Power and then Creation! Xepera Xeper Xeperu! JAL, with some good editing help from BN....

A conclusion I reached in this 'examined life':

December 20, 2004 "Excerpts" From a post to the local pagan group: Does it seem in looking back at meditations and workings I return to old themes, old issues, old thorns in the flesh? Ah, but it the path ever spiralling upwards and for each return to a theme, I find an increased ease of understanding and skill concerning it. I am at once the same as I was many years ago and yet very different for such increase. All the seeds of what I will become are contained within me now. Nuturing healthy self development, these seeds spring forth from the hidden depths to emerge into new growth and creativity. These are the joys, sometimes difficult, but always rewarding for those of us who awaken to our potential.

December 25, 2004 "Excerpts" The movie we watched this afternoon was satifying. I was fearful Jim Carrey would mess up his role of Count Orloff with his manic behavior, but he kept it restrained to the role. The Lemony Snickets movie is delightfully gothic. I loved the scene of baby Sunny playing with the big, huge but harmless snake. The meal we ate later was satisfying. I've never seen the Mandarin Palace so packed. The traditional foods of roast beef and turkey were fresh and tasty. The pumpkin pie didn't look appealing, but I had a generous portion of chocolate pudding. But after we got home, I felt awful blue. A sort of let down infused me. I wanted to call my Mother and tell her about our delightful day. And then the weepies began. After indulging them for awhile, I decided the best thing would be to get out of the house for a walk in Smucker's Park. The first sight and sound that greeted us was a drummer drumming on top of a ramada table. He wasn't a little drummer boy for Christmas, but he was a drummer, and we enjoyed his music: By the time we walked by the drummer again, still steady with his beat, I felt in much better cheer.

December 26, 2004 "Excerpts" I can never be the true 'orphan', for love has found me, as I am and taken me in. Even though I am now without a mother, I am not a true 'orphan', for I remember that she did love me. She used to say that her two kids were the best things in her life. Her life might not have gone the way she wanted it to. She often struggled with sadness, and yet she rejoiced in being parent to two children and all the promise of our lives. Yes, I carry her love with me, I do. And I carry Laura's love with me, always, as well. She communicated it to me often: "I can never, if I lived to be a thousand years old, tell you enough about how special I know you to be." I carry her love with me in my heart, and thus it cannot be lost. And I have Julia along beside me, now. Her present love is precious. We have a good life together. With these treasures of the heart, I am among the wealthiest indeed.

December 28, 2004 "Excerpts" I can't imagine the great devastion from the earthquake and tsunami that has claimed more than 25,000 dead, and which may claim that many more due to complications from the aftermath. Coastlines were swallowed all the way from Indonesia to Africa. "Images from around the region presented a tableau of unrelenting grief. Fathers and mothers wailed over drowned children." One third of the victims are children. It's hard to wrap my mind around that much death. I know what it is to lose my Mother, Laura, Gramma . . , and I try to multiply that by 25,000. But I am not good at math. I only can understand that this trajedy, one of the worst natural disasters in recent history, is really, really, Really awful. Note of December 30, 2004: CNN newsreports now say the death toll is at 118,000 after Indonesia reported 80,000 people were killed in that country alone.

Is there something about the scimitar like things in the middle of the mandala below that they seem to twirl with a tsunami-like energy?

December 31, 2004 Excerpts 12-31-04 When I felt the call of a mandala last night, I didn't know what I would get. As I played with the color selecter, none of the colors seemed right for the background. Then I clicked on black and it was the only color that felt right. Next, I played with the spray tool, and I drew a question mark. Why was this symbol calling to me? But it did. There's something in that mandala saying the Unknown can be scary. It can be exciting, but it can be scary. What does the new year hold for us? More senseless war and devastating natural tragedy? The Unknown can be scary. It's perhaps even sane to be a little wary. I'd like to keep it there, at a little wary. Otherwise anxiety gets out of control. But if we don't acknowledge our fears, they eat at us in a hundred unseen ways. I want to get them out where I can keep an eye on them.

~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~

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