November 15, 2003 excerpt Wanting a more distinct 'Set' presence on my altar, I put out a call to the Mystery. I've not seen any statue for sale on the web that would do. They were all too big and would overpower the other icons. Today Julia and I had fun tromping in antique shops in Old Town. I had that 'gut feeling' something would be there. I found a long tin titled 'Egyptian' on the back, 'exclusively for The Gidumal Organization', made in China . . . . . . I suspect it originally contained sticks of incense. 9 7/8 in. by 2 3/16in (25C by 5 1/2C) Most of the 'big names' in the Egyptian pantheon are present. Notice who's at the far left of the line up, however . . . . . . What surprised me is that I should be so surprised. I DID put a call out to the Mystery and I was answered. I have a genuwine, bonified accurate Set image, quite in relation to the others in the pantheon, which is what I wanted. I was looking for this desire to be answered in some other way, like a statue of Set. But this answer serves well.  . . .

Work on a photographic scavenger hunt next ensued, and I had great fun with that. On the weekend, I also rejoiced in a bit of 'good timing', a rather magical thing in itself: November 22, 2003 excerpt . . . I had a long nap and woke refreshed in time to check several of my discussion groups and then get ready for the Thirteenth Annual Colorado River Balloon Crossing's nighttime 'Desert Glow'. You may remember I've captured pictures of last year's early morning balloon rise. However, it was too windy for the balloons to be displayed at night. Many years ago, Laura and I had gone to such an evening event at the UofA's 'Spring Fling'. Balloons in many sculptured shapes were standing stationary. All that could be done this windy evening was to have the balloons' fire devices shoot tall flames into the air. Now, eight or ten shooting, dancing feathery flames were of some interest, but not what we expected. Julia had forgotten to wear a hat, and the cold was making her suffer. The announcer said they were going to move up the fireworks display, but Julia didn't want to wait for it, so we walked back to the car. Our timing was perfect, however, and as soon as we got into the warm car, big exploding expanding 'flowers' of fire began to rain down over us. We were in the perfect position. I felt as though we were directly underneath the marvelous explosions. I waited until I was sure the last fiery bloom grew and shrank for us, despite Julia's complaints of a full bladder. Then we exited the parking lot, and met many cars entering. No doubt those people, unaware the fireworks had been rescheduled for an earlier time, were about to be very disappointed. But we caught them, and in the most perfect non cold and windy place to see them! More rejoicing: November 26, 2003 excerpt . . . If I want to start listing the things for which I am grateful, it could be a long list: new experiences, loving looks, tender kisses, easy smiles, happy laughter, triumphant rushes, pretty flowers, true love, good memories, good mind, good appetite, good friends, good conversations, beautiful sunsets, rainy days, cool breezes, deep breaths, long soaks in the tub, good music, beautiful artwork, absorbing worlds in books, engaging others minds by whatever method, getting feedback, refreshing sleep, awakening with thoughts that need explored, kindred spirits, accomplishments both small and large - the deck of cards life has dealt me has been a good one . . . Thoughts of 'kindred spirits' and the connections between them followed: November 27, 2003 excerpt . . . The following Norman Cousins quote was read responsively in last Sunday's Unitarian/Universalist meeting: "I am a single cell in a body of six billion cells. The body is humankind. I am a single cell. My needs are individual but they are not unique. I am interlocked with other human beings in the consequences of our actions, thoughts, and feelings. I will work for human unity and human peace; for a moral order in harmony with the order of the universe. Together we share the quest for a society of the whole equal to our needs." We can debate about this 'moral order in harmony with the order of the universe', but on the whole, I like this quote. My needs may not be unique, but I am unique. To be aware of our relationship to others does not mean we lose our sense of uniqueness. To those who think people on the Left Hand Path 'are only in it for themselves', Don Webb offers this challenge: ''Since the Left Hand Path is centered on the self, there is always the temptation not to enter into exchange with these levels, to be some sort of vampire that merely tries to absorb without giving. Such pathetic creatures may attain a certain level of power in this world, but they remain small and twisted, they can not partake of the fullness of being that fair exchange allows.'' Of course, it is these individuals that help foster the idea that those embracing the darkness within are 'evil'. But it is up to us who know better to get the word out that this is not so. We can set loose an encouraging word, which rumbles along the highways of this underlying rock bed, and it will bring its liberating air to others.  . . . My mind was piqued regarding about what I might do to further increase a 'fair exchange'. Then I had a strengthening of a concept: November 29, 2003 excerpt . . .  THIS is the day in which we create our own reality. That's what my horoscope fortune cookie told me, ''You have the power to create your own reality.'' But not just Scorpios on the 29th day of November in the year 2003. EVERYone, EVERYday is doing this, whether they are conscious of it, or not. The trick is to get conscious of it. Then we unlock the door to the kingdom of the whispered 'magical' hopefulness and fulfillment. We all do it! We all CAN do it!  . . . But I'm not always in such an upbeat mood! December 2, 2003 excerpt . . . What can I do when I feel 'sulky'? And more importantly, what do I feel sulky about? This is stream of consciousness ramble, apologies offered for the mish mash. Hypocrites, liars, white washers of the truth, timid lurkers in the shadows, oh gosh, I'm dishing almost everyone. Well, not Everyone, just quite a few. I'm sure I'm in there, somewhere too. Lurker, too, and white washer, at the very least. How plain can we make the 'awful truth'? Oh, we don't want to scare the 'muggles', but just how closely focused can we put that lens?  . . . Not to carp too long, I was back into the 'attitude of gratitude': December 3, 2003 excerpts I saw this pendant yesterday and couldn't resist. The three dragons seems to symbolize the triad. Laura definitely had her 'dragon' power. Not lacking for pride, it was she who came up with this description of herself: An Elemental Force Loosed Upon A Tame And Tawdry Mundane World! I like to think I possess a little of that myself! Julia is not so 'forceful'. Maybe her inner dragon is only a baby. But she was born in year of the Dragon, so she counts, too! . . . . . .  I shared deep thoughts and revelations with Julia today. How wonderful it is, she loves ALL of me, even those parts of me 'that go bump in the night' and winding tendrils of thought and other such greedy little tendrils. Ever so tenderly, though, those tendrils. Anyway, I shout it loud. She loves me for me, not because I'm 'phat' like Cindy Crawford, or whatever those pop song lyrics I can't research now. I'm just fat like Joan Lansberry. She loves me for me! What greater gift can one have bestowed upon one?  . . . December 5, 2003 excerpt . . . it is Friday, and so weekend plans continue apace. My divine self may be showing up in as yet unexplored territories. That is, if they'll have me. But how could they refuse ME? . . . A bit of inspiration via a TV show: December 7, 2003 The Sunday morning news show featured a story about a Rembrandt exhibit in Boston. Particularily fascinating were the artist's self portraits. As a young man, he drew himself as very princely. As an older man, he drew every wrinkle and soft skin drooping, sparing nothing of these details. Still, the older artist looks out at the viewer with a nobility of bearing, no less dimmed for the realism of age. This inspired me to sit before a mirror and attempt a sketch. This morning, I am not at my best. A sinus headache causes me to tense the muscles around my eyes. Still, I, like Rembrandt, wanted to capture the reality of the moment: Yes, I did capture the reality of the painful moment! I did better with quick sketches of opera singers:

December 10, 2003 excerpt . . . I was inspired by their expressive faces to sketch what I might of them while they sang on a PBS special. Going to the channel's website to learn their names, bass René Pape is at left, Russian tenor Daniil Shtoda at middle and Georgian baritone Lado Ataneli at right, if I've sorted them correctly.             If you would like to see them large size, I have a page for that.

Much fun with art, an extremely lively debate on one of the discussion groups, and then the finality of sad news: December 12, 2003 excerpt "Julia's Mother Dead" I can't of any other way to begin this, but bluntly. Julia received in the early evening a call from her brother informing us her Mother, who had been ailing with lung cancer, was at the edge. So Julia was prepared at best she could then for the late evening call. Her mother, Shirley Bell, passed away at 11:35pm Eastern time December 11, 2003. "a reserved and refined lady" . . . Not of a mind to wax eloquent at the moment, I just bluntly record the details . . . After this, I was 'seeking serenity' and I knew getting out in nature would be good for Julia, as well:

December 14, 2003 excerpt Both of us were in need of tranquility. . .  We found it, and I got a few good pictures, as well. Yuma Conservation Gardens

After the serenity, I was back at the deep philosophical thoughts and considering ''Goals For The 'Willed Conscious Evolution' based on the epiphany I'd had at five years old: ''I'm here to do great things, to make the world a better place. Oh, I know it!'' I analysed each word of that statement using the dictionary to refine its meaning. Then an analysis of skepticism, and realizing Laura was not entirely a skeptic, however much she claimed to be: December 17, 2003 excerpt . . . Laura didn't deny the appeal of magical callings, she just wanted people to use their OWN MINDS: "However, if you really want the biggest bang for your magical buck ... make your own, do what appeals most to you, satisfies your nature, thrills your heart ... for then, if there is a Mystery, and it keeps putting so much magic in my life that it is hard to remain a skeptic, it takes delight in experiencing the joy you bring to your life and things will happen, good and bad." ''Hard to remain a skeptic,'' Laura did not deny the mystery . . . What an odd bit of serendipity! Julia and I ate at a Chinese restaurant receiving fortune cookies, and then we watched a movie in which fortune cookies played a role: December 21, 2003 excerpts . . . I forgot about the fortune cookies that arrive at meal's end. The dark haired slender waitress brought two on a small rectangular dish. I was trying to decide which one I should grab when she decided it, placing one before Julia and one before me. I, knowing the significance of the fortune cookie as device of the Oracle, was especially curious as to its contents, and quickly ripped open the cellophane wrapper and cookie folds to get at the little paper: You maintain a sense of balance in the midst of great success. Well, I am certainly encouraged to read that, and I eagerly anticipate that 'great success'. I have been given yet another sign. I must add that while I look forward to future success, I am certainly grateful for all the prior successes I've had. I may be so much richer than I even suspect, in all the areas in which it counts. It continues to impress me that I don't fully know all the hardships under which many people struggle. So, yes, this moment, this 'now', is a 'success'. Julia's was also encouraging and inspired some conversation as to its meaning: Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it. The absence of Laura has sharpened our love for her in our memories, for we know so well why we miss her so much. It has been nearly a year and a half without Laura, so we've had some time for that love to be sharpened. On the other hand, Julia and I enjoying each other's presence have found our love strengthening through out the years. . . . . . . We just finished watching an amusing show called Freaky Friday. In it, a mother and daughter who are at odds receive some enchanted fortune cookies. At midnight, beginning of Friday, they switch bodies and wake up very puzzled. It's an entirely cute story. It's funny watching the sedate middle aged lady loosening up, and the teenager suddenly getting very conservative. It makes me wonder if I could pull off acting like a younger person. I wondered about this once before when I was writing vampire fiction. I had a dream in which my 234 year old Michael was in a high school, and not doing very well at passing himself off as a 17 year old . . . . . .  In one of [Rice's] Chronicles, Lestat muses on how he could always tell the age of the vamp by how they dressed. I think that would be very true. These words I write here could only be written by a middle aged woman in the early 21st century. But I hope there are things which go beyond the limitations of this time. I dream of people centuries from now reading my words. They, inevitably, will carry the time stamp of this time era. But hopefully, there is enough of 'the universal' that my words will still seem fresh and vital. Today, my own pleasantly NOT 'freaky fortune' foretold 'great success'. This desire for lasting, 'fresh' words is just one of the things for which I wish that 'great success'. You, better than I at this moment, may know how much success I've had with this. July 13, 2004 "45" December 22 2003 - February 13, 2004 December 24, 2003 excerpt . . .  Can I smile and learn patience? Ever never patient, I learn it now in this true releasing. What better can come of it?  . . . Do I EVER learn patience? I don't really know. Maybe I can set some piece of restlessness down for a while, but then I pick it up again first chance I get. December 29, 2003 Priestess January 2, 2004 excerpt . . . Ah, am I getting anywhere today? Or are we just going around in circles? I am getting confused. Are you getting confused? What can I do to make this better? First off, I shall not despair. That is the first conscious choice of the day. The writer who has not had much luck with Pride, can he say anyone else would have similar results? It's possible they would. I hope to avoid similar pitfalls. So how does one avoid a 'loveless' and dreary fate? Not to mention all ate up spiritually? Obviously there must be balancing factors. And my conclusions are most emphatically not 'ANSWERS' for anyone else. Do I have any conclusions? Or does today's meditation end up nowhere? How do we remain 'pleased' with ourselves, in the midst of mind boggling chaos? And how do we remain sufficiently 'displeased' with ourselves to avoid mind numbing stasis? And how do we keep a delicate balance between the two? . . . January 5, 2004 excerpt . . . I must be patient. But it is hard to be patient. Which is precisely why I must direct my energies to learning patience. ''Enlightment will come, but slowly and in pieces.'' (later note of this evening:) Nevertheless, I grow impatient. So damned impatient. And an ancient Dark Presence I love is laughing. Laughing! He is enjoying Himself. At my expense. I ask WHY the laughing. He says 'Because it is only in such frustration that I grow.' Yes, I did sign up for the 'growth plan'. I did. January 7, 2004 "Self Analysis, With A Little Help" I went around in circles on this one, 'til a certain Very Direct Voice jumped in. In the thought is the beginning. Let's see what we can find. My hitherto unseen quarters given air, do I shrink back, or come closer to look? What in me is born of fear? Why the instinct to run? 'Shy', the word is. Bunny Rabbit Scared is another. Why? Can this too, meet with Xeper and change? When I meet someone new, why do I feel so strange? No light of patter, no joke of joy, I am 'all business'. Estraño, to be sure. Humbly admitted, no pretense. But WHY? ********** Stop the fear midstream? Can I stop it before it begins lightning fast, between impulse and reaction? That's what I'd like to know What do I wish to communicate? Can knowledge of that come before the shy impulse? Look people in the eyes, and show that fear? Something needs to be changed. I don't want the darting fear, the darting eyes. But can it? Is it something I just have to live with? Can I think of something to communicate fast enough before the lightning fear? I have a slow mind. I need space and time to think. I don't see any way around this. Too many variables in the 'strange' situation. Can I just be this way? Is it easier to resign to shyness? After all, I've done it for forty five years. I am the thing devoid of skin, I shrink back into the quiet. "Are you trying to please others, or are you trying to please yourself?" I don't know. I didn't like the veil off the unconscious motive of raw shy fear. "What didn't you like about it?" I felt incapacited for the brief moment it struck me. I had to wait for it to pass, then my head clears only enough 'for business'. "Is it bad to wait?" No, it isn't 'bad', it's just that... I wish I could be like those of easy chatter? Those women never shut up! Do I? Not really. Most often I am content in my quiet. "So what's 'wrong'?" Certain parameters of operation that others have are unavailable to me. I feel 'retarded'. "Why is that 'bad'?" It means I operate on an entirely different wavelength. Am I human? (Ah, of course I'm human.) But am I a mutant? "And WHY is that 'bad'? So you have to think before you speak, so idle conversation comes not easy to you, just what more could you do with this that you don't do now? That is, of WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO?" I just want to make 'pretty' pictures and poems and share them with others, who receive them in the same solitude in which I created them. "If that's what you REALLY WANT TO DO, then why are you bothering with frustrations over shyness?" Because I thought I should be different, taste the world of politics and intrigue, know these subtle machinations, in which those princes reside. Why? Maybe I was just curious. "Is that all?" Maybe. Yes, that's not 'my drummer', is it? "No, it sure as hell isn't! You have so MANY talents, do you know how many people are envious of you? No, you don't. You waste your energy on trifles. Let THOSE princes rule in THEIR realms, You rule in yours. Paint your pretty pictures, poesy your flowered words, sing songs to Me, and whoever you wish. And don't forget to SING THEM TO YOURSELF. You WILL NOT be ALL others expect. Only a fool tries. There be many fools on certain well trod pitiful paths, leave to them the 'rightness' of their delusions. YOU know better." Yes, I do, Thank you for cleaning out the 'snakes of Illusion', once again! "No problem! Hah!" January 11, 2004 January 11, 2004 excerpt . . .  'Coming into Being' is an inch by inch process. Only when we look back, do we know the distance travelled. I certainly know the truth of that as I've taken the slow amble through my past. Set With Lightning Flash January 25, 2004 January 29, 2004 "Tiny Holes Of Illumination" Things being what they are, today is a day of contrasts. This morning, oh so groggy and slow. This evening, quite revivified and renewed. I shall resolve to get more than four hours of sleep tonight. I've had a good start with a two hour nap. The morning was a mish mash of craziness. Julia made one pun that is almost worth recording, ''Why did the chicken cross the road half way? She wanted to lay it on the line.'' This morning, lost in black fabric comprising a coat. Lost, hopelessly lost. I stared at the blackness punctured by tiny holes of illumination, eyelets through which I could see beyond, and my thread encased the raw edges slowly, as if mesmerized. Slowly, yes slowly, which the boss noticed. It broke my peaceful reverie, as I had to kick myself in gear. I really, truly avow I will get at least eight hours of sleep tonight. It is so amusing, the message in the bottle cap of my mango SOBE drink today. Imagine the voice of that little kid from The Sixth Sense as he says, ''I see dead people,'' when you read the following: I SEE LIZARDS Not so unusual, that. Of course you have to know where to look and be in the right place to find them: I saw this lizard... and then... Leapin' Lizards, It's Leapin' Wizards!!! On this day of tiny amusements and large amazements, some of which I may tell you about on another day, I conclude this entry and will talk with you again soon. (It's 11:14pm, and I've really, really got to get some sleep!) February 6, 2004 "Julia Dreams of Laura" Julia reported that upon waking, she remembered a dream in which Laura appeared. Laura was happy, looking good, having lost some weight, and she hugged Julia. There was a distinct Laura presence, but it was just as if no time had gone by at all. That's the sense I get from 'the Mystery', on why we have so few Laura sightings. She never had a good sense of time in real life and now absent from body, she still doesn't. Why she appeared to Julia and not to me, is because Julia is the one in need of re-assurance more than I. I am finding the universe is opening up to me with surprise and wonder every day. The magick which with her spirit was filled exists on a plane where the daring and willing can find it. Laura's appearance in Julia's dream only underlines what I sense: if Laura WERE to walk in to our living room this moment, she would tell me herself that she is well pleased of me. She had said before she passed, because I knew her so well, that I would be able to know in any situation how she would react and what she'd say. As I look at the image of her smiling face that I've placed in my sacred space, I feel her love and pride in me almost as if she were to tell me while housed in a human body, and with human vocal chords. February 8, 2004, and I experience ''The Cutting Edge of the Mystery''. February 8, 2004 "excerpt" . . . Then I came upon the oddest thing, a collection of four steak knives, all of a cast piece in stainless steel. I liked that they were all of a piece. I wouldn't really know until I felt one in my hand, but it seemed that just carrying the package felt good. It wasn't a huge financial investment, being just ten bucks for the set. Should this not work out, we could always use more knives! Once out of the plastic casing, one of them felt good in my hand. The handle is designed to fit the shape of ones hand. I did not feel fearful holding it. It was NOT a frightening and foreign 'dagger', it was an instrument which in other guises, I have used to 'cut and isolate' all my life. And I have three spares! Then I thought, I'll let all four be for the altar. I didn't want to confuse one for mundane usage with one for sacred purpose. Who knows, I may wish to hold one in each hand. And then all four together could symbolize throwing knives. And there's the most curious thing. Remember when I shared with you the story of acquiring a piece with a gen-u-wine historically accurate picture of Set on it? One knife fits inside [that] rectangular metal box just fine. I'm sure two will as well, and I haven't tried it yet, but I think all four will fit, as well, the whole 'Set'? In this box, with Set's image, fits the 'dagger'(s), which symbolizes His aspect as 'cutter and isolater'. Now isn't THAT a fine piece of magick! February 14, 2004 "Butterfly" July 14, 2004 "45" February 14 2004 - April 19, 2004 February 15, 2004 "excerpt" So last night I was reading of . . . [the aim] to clarify and laser intensify [our focus], like a telescope focusing on just one of the many possible stars in the sky. I was reading. And this morning I woke with an epiphany. Last night, I thought, well I can focus that telescope here, here and here, as one does with a physical telescope, that 'here, here, and here' being writing, art and spiritual/magickal/philosophical concerns. And then I remembered the words of Michelangelo. I had remembered them anew last July when considering my 'lifework': Michelangelo's Declaration: My eyes longing for beautiful things, together with my soul longing for salvation have no other power to ascend to heaven than the contemplation of beautiful things. Michelangelo declares firmly his art is in service of the Divine. For him, the Divine is expressed by the concept of Beauty. And then I thought of what is 'Divine' to me, and a huge, big Black door opened for me, and I am standing before it, absolutely awed. The Divine for me is that which brings Nobility to the tribe of Man, that which uplifts, edifies, shows us our own Divine place in the starry heavens, that which brings freedom and . . . As I relate this to past and present art epiphanies, the first time I created a mandala as creating a spell back in April 2002, and more recently when creation of a mandala became a creation of a 'gate' for an experience of which words fail me, I can definitely see the many possibilities of art. Another result of 'automatic drawing': Tea With The Ancient Spirits February 25, 2004 And another... A Growing Thing March 7, 2004

We Are The Living Laura, long gone, and I cannot reclaim her. She is oft to where? Best in memory, no reclaiming hand can otherwise fetch her.       Best her spirit fly free. I know not where else she is needed, so she must fly free, though my heart break. All that I am or will ever be has been touched by her love - that must be enough. Osirus is the God of the Dead, and We are the Living. Let us hold now the gift that we have and say it again, "We are the living." Hold in memory our dear treasures, maybe a candle light there, But We are the living. Let us then live and hold fast to what we have. We are the living. It is only we who can sing the songs of the dead. They are gone. But we are here and these songs are ours. Let the flame burn within. We are the living. Let nothing else avail - we are the living. This day and always, we are the living. And when we are gone, another will sing this song. JAL, 3 - 8 - 04

That was a poem of healing, so also is the following working of understanding I undertook regarding an unhealthy habit which has long plagued me: March 9, 2004,  March 11, 2004 "excerpts" So what things cause me to pick at my finger tips until they are really really sore? Dogs have been known to scratch themselves raw, for no other reason than nervousness. Is that really all that's going on here? . . . . . . The ease of understanding works much better to simply know some humans are prone to nervousness. We just are. I got it from my grampa, who passed it down through my Dad, and then to me. Now I don't feel like such a freakin' ass failure. Some things just are. Okay, I've established that much. Now, can I again see nice fingers, not torn up and bloody, for MY SAKE, not because I'm ashamed to show them to a nail technician or hesistant to have Laura all angry at me. Can I please be LHP about this? . . . *   *   * . . . So I say to myself, can I evince any changes here on this physical plane *I* inhabit? Will I succeed in 'beating' this finger picking habit? I will say the epiphanies gained in last meditation are helpful. I think the energies sent towards it after a big 'woosh' may prove useful. Now I have my priorities straight. I used to think the picking was 'unnatural' and any attempts to curb it were 'natural'. I now know otherwise. 'Natural' is going with the flow. 'Natural' is just giving into the genetic heritage coming from other finger pickers in the family. 'Hail Grampa!' Hah! 'Unnatural' is recognizing it is an 'unnatural' act of will to say 'I will go against this'. All of Set, the trend to say 'I will go against this or that.' Now some understanding can be obtained and of what further value can there be in that? Only time will reveal it. Only time will reveal if my fingers are able to heal, based on my own efforts for my own self, and NOT to please others. All else fails, has failed, and would only continue to fail . . . More epiphanies came my way: April 4, 2004 I enjoy reading Julia's Mensa magazines when they arrive. I'm going to quote one paragraph in it that confirms what has been my experience as an introvert. The introversion is not due to 'social anxiety'. I've been suspecting this: Quoting from an entry of January 7, 2004: I have a slow mind. I need space and time to think. I don't see any way around this. Too many variables in the 'strange' situation. In that entry of self-analysis, I concluded, "It means I operate on an entirely different wavelength." The Mensans have studied the current research on introversion, as the majority of their members have this characteristic. My analysis is indeed borne out via science: "Now we can actually see the brain in action. Thinking literally takes a longer route within the brain of introverts. The parasympathic branch of the autonomic nervous system is dominent in introverts. We have more trouble sleeping because we have more active brains, but we also have more ways to protect ourselves. Introverts are not as prone to slow down or burn out at midlife. It is believed that introverts live longer..." (Mensa bulletin, April/May 2004) A page on neuroscience for kids, thus easy to understand, explains the three parts of the automatic nervous system, and the differences between sympathetic stimulation and parasympathetic stimulation. As mucus production is increased and heart rate and force decreased under parasympathetic stimulation, those with that part of their ANS dominent would be more likely to have sinus headaches and low blood pressure. Both of these are common to me. The lower blood pressure may be the thing that enables introverts to live longer. As I've sensed the different wiring of my brain, so also I've noticed I am not keeping pace with many middle aged folks. I've heard several say they feel 'old' and they are nearly the same age as I. For me at age 45, I still feel young. Okay, the joints may not be as limber as they used to, but my mind is as agile as ever. I do not think I shall ever grow senile. I see myself always learning, always growing. Knowing now that this characteristic is related to that 'dominent parasympathic branch', I can understand my 'shyness' more, and be more at ease in social situations. The 'anxiety' only comes when we do not understand ourselves, and expect ourselves to react as extroverts. As ever, the best advice is to 'be true to ourselves'. I had further epiphanies relating to this, while reading an article on Zazen meditation: April 19, 2004 "Spine Wise" excerpts URL: The Shinji Shobogenzo, the version translated by Gudo Wafu Nishijima, and Introduction to Buddhism and the Practice of Zazen by Mike Leutchford based on the teachings of Gudo Nishijima, available in PDF form from http://www.windbell.com/download.html Quoting: "...right conduct is always a balance between two factors: activity and passivity, optimism and pessimism, tension and relaxation..." This to me sounds like the alert state, ready to spin into action. The upright posture of Zazen may be useful for attaining that state: Quoting: "In Zazen we sit on a cushion on the floor with both legs crossed, and with our lower spine, upper spine, and head held straight vertically. Keeping the spine straight has a direct and immediate effect on the automatic nervous system that controls many of our body's functions. Its effects include control of heart rate and force of contraction, constriction and dilation of blood vessels, contraction and relaxation of smooth muscle in various organs, the ability to focus the eyes and the size of the pupils, and the secretion of hormones from various glands directly into the blood stream. The autonomic nervous system is composed of two subsystems: the sympathetic and the parasympathic nervous systems. When the sympathetic nervous system is stimulated, our heart rate increases, arteries and veins constrict, the lungs relax, and our pupils dilate; in short, we become tense and alert. When the parasympathetic nervous system is stimulated, the opposite happens; our heart rate decreases, arteries and veins dilate, the lungs contract, and the pupils constrict . . .  . . .When the effect of the two systems on the organs is is balance, we are neither ready to fight, nor ready to run away', we are in a normal state." "The parasympathic nerves emerge from the spinal chord at the base of the spine (the second, third, and fourth sacral vertebrae) and through the cranial vertebrae in the neck, whereeas the sympathetic nerves emerge from the spinal chord through the middle vertebrae in the back (the T1 to L2 vertebrae). Keeping the spine normally upright, with the head sitting squarely on the top of the vertebral column minimizes the compression of the nerves of these two systems at the points where the nerves emerge through the vertebrae, and ensures an uninterrupted supply of blood, allowing them to function normally. When the parasympathetic and sympathic systems are both working normally, they function in opposition to give us a state of balance of body-and-mind; not too tense, and not too relaxed, not overly optimistic or pessimistic; not too aggressive and not too passive. It is this physical state of balance in the automatic nervous system that give rise to what we call a balanced body-and-mind." By this understanding, perhaps our parents were right when they told us to 'sit up straight, stand up straight', but for more reasons than they might have known. I find it curious that the crossed leg position called Half-Lotus Posture is quite comfortable for me, and I can maintain it for long periods of time as I sit at the computer or do hand sewing. it is more comfortable than sitting in a chair the normal way. Though I do admit, the full pretzel of the Full-Lotus is quite difficult, and I can't maintain that very long! So I take away from this article that that straight back posture with everything aligned is indeed beneficial to mind as well as body. What is beneficial to mind will be beneficial to emotions, as well, the totality of oneself. This is 'news I can use'. As I think about this now, the body language of a person with poor posture often suggests a person with poor self esteem. Perhaps in this state of poor posture, they are not able to be alert as they might, which furthers their condition. Therefore in all situations, but particularily social situations, for my own maximum relaxed awareness attention to posture is helpful. July 15, 2004 "45" April 20 2004 - July 15, 2004 April 21, 2004 "Of Cats And Humans On noticing a distinct, acrid and unmistakable odor coming in through the window, Julia declared: That cat, so damn assertive! He wants to be recognized. He wants to make his mark upon the world. He wants to say, "I, the great cat, have been here!" As with cats, so with humans. I, however, hope to leave a more pleasant smelling mark! Book Like A Door May 2, 2004 The caption on the picture asks ''Where Shall We Go Today?'' Indeed, a whole world awaits me in those yet unexplored books. However, some revelations are of the seemingly most simple kind:

May 10, 2004 "A Simple Epiphany" Ah, a simplication and a revelation: Am I speaking because I think I 'should' speak? Am I silent because I think I 'should' be silent? When I could simply: Speak because I have something to say, And be silent when I have nothing to say. The motivation is from within!

May 14, 2004 "Something For Which To Aim" "Beautiful Illuminaria of the keen senses at the center point of her emotions, aware of interlocking influences, aims far ahead."

BW - May 19, 2004, Colored - June 5, 2004 "Stitching The Dreams" It is always a good thing for me to see other artists' works, for I usually get inspired. Tonight I was looking at rather dreamlike and fanciful images, some of them quite detailed. My 'automatic drawings' are dreamlike, but not very detailed. They are rather doodlelike. I would like for some of them to have more detail, but I get a very specific feeling when I should quit drawing. So when I get that feeling, I end the picture. Although my much more greatly detailed colored pictures show more realism and skill, there is something about the compositional quality of my automatic drawings which is superior. If I could combine the detailed finess with a pleasing movement through out the picture, I'd be on to some real improvement as an artist. However, I'm happy with tonight's image, Stitching The Dreams. Obviously, my daytime activities have also inspired this image. Should anyone not know, 'Dual Duty', as I've labeled the spool of thread, is an actual brand. Its use may imply a sort of 'dual duty' at work here, as well. It is also quite obvious that if you didn't know the gender of the artist who did the above picture, you would know a woman had done it. I wonder in how many other ways the subtle sign of my gender makes its way into my images? The artist tells many secrets about herself she does not yet know? Stitching The Dreams - BW version

With my hands, I stitch fabric as I stitch the dreams. With my hands, I touch the pulse of life: May 21, 2004 "Touching The Pulse" The pulse of life is all around me. I feel it coursing through the air. Night sky rich with stars, and the Watcher watches. . . . JAL June 14, 2004 "I Embrace Darkness" June 13, 2004 Returning to the Center, I embrace Darkness and Darkness embraces me. With a deep breath, I return to the Center and embrace Darkness. A calm quietness enfolds me. I enjoy the sensuous sense of being alive. I breathe deeply and drink in rich energy. I breathe it into my pores and enjoy the reviving feeling. I breathe slowly and deeply, slowing my heart rate, relaxing all muscles. With each deep breath, I return to the Center and embrace Darkness. I enjoy the sensuous sense of being alive. JAL, 6-14-03 June 27, 2004 Set Slaying Apep July 5, 2004 "Energy Flux" July 6, 2004 "Abstract Aesthetics" excerpts The title comes from today's horoscope, which informs me Neptune is quincunx the Sun. Aesthetics have indeed, been on my mind recently . . . . . . Not too far off the subject of visual perspective, Julia reported an odd sighting this morning. Not wearing her glasses, she isn't entirely sure if she saw what she saw. But she thinks she saw a lizard skitter across the living room floor to hide under our sofa. Perhaps there is much nourishment there in those hidden depths for a small critter! While our imperfectly clean house may feed small critters, crickets most certainly, if Julia DID see a lizard, it rather fits with the spontaneous drawing I made last night. Okay the identity in the middle is a symbolic creature, yes abstract. He could be lizard. He could be snake. As snake, he could also have Setian elements, for Set has been associated with snakes. This image, plucked from the 'subconscious' regions of my brain, hopefully is evocative of an energy flow. These are the significant passage points in my life so far... Xepera Xeper Xeperu ~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~ next section, from July 15, 2004 to December 31, 2004 Book Of Life Index © JAL: X B G D M