What Lies Beyond, Part Thirty

Past The Wall Which Has Blocked My Understanding

Joan Ann Lansberry

July 11, 1999

© JAL,1999

I took this photo when we went to the San Diego Zoo last July. Maybe it appeals to me because I feel like a caged bird today.

Frustration This large ache, what is it composed of? If I examine it more closely, will I know it better? Will I know each crease and crevice? If I poke it with a pin, it will not deflate. If I hit it with something heavy, it will only become denser. No, I can't poke it, prod it or push it away. It's here to stay. I don't like the look of it, the feel of it, the weight of it. I don't like it at all. But it sits heavy on the shelf of my soul, And I can't do a damn thing about it. JAL, 7-11-99

July 12, 1999

In this quiet morning, a soft light gives hope. How gently the hand holds it.

July 13, 1999

One Hip Lady! Laura's Mother came over this morning, with tears in her eyes. She'd been up all night without sleep. Her wrist hurt so bad with shooting pains up her arm. Carpal tunnel syndrome, we know this enemy by name. I brought out one of the wrist stiffeners I'd bought a couple of years ago, in hopes it would help her. We got to talking. Laura showed Mom her own left wrist, with elastic bandage on it. "Everyone seems to hurt, everyone I know," Mother exclaimed. It did seem the case, from physical to emotional, one way or the other or both. Then Laura told her just how her own wrist got damaged. She told Mother matter of factly, as if it were nothing unusual. My mouth dropped open as Laura spoke of all the delicate intimate fingering demands her 'harem' had been giving her. It began a very frank talk about sexual matters, in which Mom revealed a few secrets of her own. Oh yes, she knows of orgasms, clitoris's and so forth! Eighty one years old, she is one hip lady! I was surprised. I'm not sure I could even talk to my own Mother that openly regarding such things. But then I've never tried. Maybe I should.

July 19, 1999

Patient, Then Here now, I am quiet. Only on this small altar of my heart, remain these small treasures. I'm still a child in a world of sophisticates.                It's not how you always think it is. Patient, then I'll be. Wait, all has not been revealed yet.

July 23, 1999

Love Always Fits This is not the first time you've ever come to a wall and stood before it, like its door would not open. But you've always known what the key is. The wide love fits the narrow aperture just right. It will ease what restrains the boundaries, it will ease, and the hard wall can be behind you. The key is in your hands, love always fits. JAL, 7-23-99

July 27, 1999

The Ancients Have Studied This For Centuries Going deeper then, past the wall which has blocked my understanding, It has always been so, even if I did not see it, how the hard grasping only causes heartache. If I had only thought first . . . always the grief for escaped greed. But if I am not to be a battlefield, in which more than me is the loser, then I must learn. And how am I to learn? The ancients have studied this for centuries. JAL, 7-27-99

August 6, 1999

Simply Know Too shy to stand in the streaming glory? How long do you think you can go on like that? The light will not splinter you, it will subsume you, permeate you, radiate you until you at last are freed of the shadows. You will glow like you've never glowed before, you will know that excellent freedom, that large living, full to the edges of life, splendid openness . . . And what must I do to receive this blessing? Simply know you are worthy. JAL, 8-6-99