What Lies Beyond

Fear Dissolves in Tasting the Wisdom

Joan Ann Lansberry

November 26, 1998

Happy Thanksgiving

One thing I am thankful for is all the good people in our lives. Friends and family are so important.

Laura's Mother wrote the following message on December 30, 1976, for her children and their families in the advent of her death. While going through the last of her packed boxes, she found it and brought it over to us. She'd rather us read it while she's still alive.

The message is beautiful, and has strong echoes of my recent epiphanies. I asked her would she mind if I put it in the journal. She happily agreed to share it.

"Within you there is something great that guides you in all that you do, there is love in you, and good, and wisdom, and knowledge. There is anger at wrongs and hurts done by others, there is sadness, and joy, and delights, there is remorse for wrongs that you do and most of all within you is the ability to believe in yourself and stand on your own two feet, the ability to do anything you desire to do. All this within you makes you what man thinks of as God, but most men don't perceive it this way; that the power within you is great, that the power is you. If you believe in yourself you are fortunate, because you know yourself, you know you are unique, and wonderful, and precious, and a part of the universe. And you will always walk the world as a giant, ten feet tall. And as you see yourself, you will learn to see others. Love forever, Now and Eternal, Eleanor Jeanne Lansberry"

November 28, 1998

I woke up at 5:00am, full of ideas to refurbish old journal entries. After eating left over mashed potatoes for breakfast, I got dressed and began work on two lustrous pale gray satin bridesmaid dresses. I'd only begun fixing the shoulders of one, when a fine sweat beaded on my forehead. My eyes felt sticky and watery. My left ovary painfully reminded me I'm female. Three ibuprofin didn't help.

I got the alterations done, thereby saving yet another wedding from disaster. As the iron was already fired up, I ironed a couple of blouses. But I was feeling overcome. Laura saw me and urged me to turn the iron off and rest.

Our plans to go walking in nature shelved, Laura thought a trip to Cost Co. would be enough of an outing for the day. The gray sky was hinting of rain anyway. It was after twelve, so we ate first at Boston Market. Along with the tasty chicken, green beans, and creamed spinach, I swallowed one of Laura's hydrocodone.

Was it a sugar pill? I didn't notice much effect. My joints, especially my left knee, ached like a toothache. Laura, too, was feeling 'under the weather.' It was just too rainy and cold. We turned right around and headed back home.

After two hours under the covers with the heating pad and listening to Russell Oberlin's gorgeous natural male soprano caress old Spanish cantigas and John Dowland's lute songs, I arose to go web surfing. I downed three more ibuprofin along with the news.

UA Researchers Find Aspirinlike Drugs May Delay Alzheimer's

By Mary Fan
The Arizona Daily Star

Neurologists have long known that many arthritis patients don't develop Alzheimer's disease.

That observation pointed UA researchers toward drugs that could delay the onset of Alzheimer's.

``It turns out that arthritis patients take very high doses of aspirinlike drugs,'' said Gary Wenk, a neurology and psychology professor at the University of Arizona.

Last year, Wenk began examining the effects of two aspirinlike drugs on rats with one symptom of Alzheimer's: brain inflammation.

His preliminary results show that anti-inflammatory drugs he calls ``super-aspirin'' can ease inflammation inside rat brains.

``By preventing the inflammation, you may slow down the progress of the disease,'' said Beatrice Hauss-Wegrzyniak, a UA postdoctoral student who carried out the experiments.

"Tis good news on a achy rainy day. when I'm old and a twisted up pretzel, barely able to push the 'mouse' around, at least my mind won't be twisted up and disjointed.

Time to swill more anti-inflamatory drugs!

November 30, 1998

It was inevitable, really. Anton and Cynthia were the first ones to show us their new 333 speed computer. We began eyeing them at Fry's Electronic's and Office Depot. I played with the models to get a feel for Windows98, which will be easy to learn. After the difficulty of Windows95, this is welcome. Then within days of each other, Glen and Mother got a new 300 speed computer, as well as Helina and Shayna.

Laura started saying, "If I lose weight by the end of next year, I want a new computer." That, of course, prepares us and opens Julia's and my mind to the concept of a new computer. Then, it's "Whether I lose the weight or not, by the end of next year, I want a new computer."

From there, it's just a short step to, "Let's go to Fry's Electronics and LOOK at new computers." Once there, it's"Look at these great deals! We'll never see such a good deal again!"

We have a Compaq Presario 2266 with 300 speed, 56K modem, and a color printer. They don't number them sequentially, as its weaker sister is a 4112 model. The fast printer produces clear copies. It has stereo sound. I overheard Glen saying, "We won't see much of Laura for a while!"

 

December 1, 1998

Sad News Item of the Day . . .

Fear of Wild Things. . .

Eleven Mexican gray wolves were recently released into the public wilds of Arizona. The plan to introduce wolves back into the wilderness has worked in other states. However, apparently we are too savage here, for five of them were shot to death, and one pup, helpless after its mother was killed, also died. So six of the original eleven are gone.

I am sad to learn this. The wolf has been a sort of totem to the triad. Julia had a dream prior to meeting Laura and I:

". . .I recall a powerful January dream ... I'm standing on the threshold by a doorway. The space is misty white. Two figures approach from the shadows, large silver-white wolves, one a little smaller. They are my shamanic teachers to appear soon in the next phase of life. The elder one comes directly to me, placing her huge paws upon my shoulders. Her grey-blue Athena eyes gaze intently into mine as she kisses my lips and chews playfully on my tongue. Fear dissolves in tasting the wisdom of this powerful and charming pair of wild creatures, entreating me to follow. . ."

We were her "spirit guide(s) for the next initiation! Since joining together, we often make the sign of the wolf, and howl together.

Ah-h-O-o-O-o-W-w-W-w-W-W!

We howl in mourning for this senseless loss.

Laura's Father did this copper etching of a wolf.

December 2, 1998

Tired of four walled places, the three of us spent some time out in nature the weekend before last. Laura and Julia posed for me with a cactus, proving tree hugging's for WIMPS!

However, while we might joke and play like we're hugging a sahuaro cactus, whose relatively meager spikes are still quite sharp, no way would we ever willingly get near a cholla. The plant in the preceding link may look soft and cuddly. In fact, one version of the cholla (pronounced 'choy-a') is called a 'teddy bear' cholla. What a misnomer. For the thing is anything but cuddly. Fifty percent of it is devoted to its defense system: thorns! No way would we ever willingly get near a cholla. Those hundreds of little thorns burrow their way in, but you can't get 'em out. I think in the competition for water in the desert, plants get 'vicious'.

Still I like that pic because never did I see a cholla with such a disorganized mass of wildly growing arms. It looks like it CAME FROM SPACE. The vegetation is definitely different out here. Maybe that is why I'm drawn to this unique environment.

December 5, 1998

Early Morning...

I'm feeling yucky, 'pmsy' I know. It's been calculated. I have a 24 day cycle and I'm due. I feel weepy, apt to take offense at anything. This is Not a good day for Julia's county employee work party at the Pinal County fairground. Julia expects Laura and I to go. I wasn't going to go and still might chicken out.

Mid-morning. . .

"We'l take the blue car, that means you might have to drive some.", Laura declared.

Guess that means I have to go, as Julia can't do stick . . .

I 'spose I should get ready. At least I have a new blue denim skirt that comfortably fits my fat belly. Laura is pleased I finished her black with red roses blouse, so she will proudly wear that. It looks great on her, as the fit is perfect. Usually the sleeves of her blouses are too short and she rips buttons off the tight cuffs when she raises her arm.

Later this afternoon. . .

The entrance to the fairgrounds gave evidence of Pinal's rural status. The arched sign over the entrance was adorned with a bull and a pig. It started to sprinkle, so we went directly to the tin building where the lunch was being served. All the large buildings were of corrugated metal, partially disguised with colorful paint to look they were from the old west. In the largest, long tables were decorated with red and green plastic tablecloths. A large stereo broadcast Christmas tunes. On the stage which held the stereo and a green Christmas tree, a small white gazebo was decorated with red and green. Perhap Santa was to arrive later so all the kiddies could have their pictures taken with him. However, the turnout was sparse at first, because of the cold weather. Julia introduced us as 'family' to a few of her co-workers', which is true enough.

Grilled chicken and steak were the entrees, along with yellowish potato salad, and macaroni salad. The beans were the tastiest thing, but even they could have been improved if cooked with a bit of cilantro. Still it wasn't a bad free meal.

It was good we made our appearance.

December 6, 1998

At 7:42am, the short mercury in the thermometer read 38 degrees (3C). It's COLD! That didn't keep us from going to Boyce-Thompson Southwestern Arboretum later this morning. Glen and Mother followed us in their car. I layered the sweaters on. Julia even wore gloves. We just stayed on the short trail, but I took lots of pictures. I'd scanned an old photo of cacti last night, but couldn't remember where I'd seen them. This mystery was solved at the arboretum greenhouse, for I recognised the three "astrophytum ornatum" clustered together, only slighter larger.

We would have stayed longer if it weren't so cold. Laura's mother was the only one not to complain of the weather. However we were only a mile or so away from the arboretum when the gray clouds began sprinkling. Shortly after we got home, their output increased into a constant pouring.

*      *      *      *      *

As you know, I've been wishing for a digital camera. Glen has an old digital camera, but has been unhappy with its clarity. Well Christmas has arrived early here, for after we got back from the nature outing, Laura and I went with Glen and Mother in their car to Fry's Electronics. Julia was too chilled to venture into the deluge. But it didn't deter the rest of us. What's a little rain compared to the force of greed?

I spent the evening reading the manual. The batteries are being charged now as I type this. Tomorrow, there will be pictures, digital stills as the book calls them!

December 7, 1998

A sleepless night, I was filled to overflowing with one half wild anticipation of taking new pictures, and the other half wild terror at having spent so much money for this spiffy new camera.

But in the morning, after my first results, the fearful guilt has melted away. I'm just thrilled!

Digital Julia, and only 28K!

Continue Forward in Time...
"What Lies Beyond" Index, Book Two of the Journal
Main Journal Index Page