What Lies Beyond
The Ascent Upwards
Joan Ann Lansberry
October 23, 1998
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October 24, 1998
'Tis the weekend, and I plan to relax. I got all the necessary
sewing projects done, and the happy customers came and got them.
I won't touch the sewing machine again until Monday.
Glen sat up in bed yesterday. He's not in such excruciating
pain as he first was coming out of surgery. However Laura's
Mother called this morning, and he's been having heart and blood
pressure problems.
Laura got her bloodwork done yesterday, and was given new
eardrops to try. Last night the three of us went to the SCA
feast. Laura was well drugged, having taken four aspirin, some
hydrocodone, and secretly nipping 'Cask and Cream', a
cream and brandy drink. She wasn't feeling any pain. They gave
me those hydrocodone pills after my gall bladder surgery. I only
took one the first night back from the hospital. It turned me
into a zombie. Julia used the rest of the pills for headache
relief. We all react differently to medications. I'm unusually
sensitive, for even anything with the artificial sweetener
Nutrasweet (aspartame) in it will make me feel drugged, like my
mind has turned to slow moving slush. On the other hand, I
become manic on cough syrup.
Laura is to call Monday if there is no ear improvement, and then,
and only then, call they approve a ear, nose and throat
specialist.
" If you, like me, read too many journals (and I think you do) you sometimes get the feeling that people all across the world are feeling the same things at the same time. The last week has seen an epidemic of ennui." (Oct. 23 pick)This becomes more apparent when you're reading journals of people in regions far from your own. What's going on? Astrologists have a too easy answer for it. But there is no doubt we humans are connected in mysterious ways. It's a sort of comfort.
I did a good job of lazing around this weekend. I spent it all in
my nightgown. Sunday I mostly played with old journal sections, trying to make them
prettier and easier to read. I got the first 'book' done, and the
first two sections of "What Lies Beyond". Most of my efforts will
be lost on those few people still using browsers older than
Netscape 3.0, though. It was relaxing, for it doesn't take a
whole lot of thought to figure,'Oh I want a grayish purple
border around that sunset picture, and I'll put the poems in a
colored table, etc.' But eye-candy is fun.
I've been eating enough real candy... Laura got these soft
caramels, some of which are filled with chocolate. I've been the
main consumer!
While filling out a list to join an e-mailing list of a
journalist
Laura's latest cartoon is really cute. Her son Anton provided the basic gag line, and Laura went with it, and added some of her own touches. She's taken on the pen name 'Seladore' as she dreams of one day having them published. Meanwhile there is the web.
October 29, 1998
Warning! RANT ahead!
Now is the season of slow time.
Weakness has made it so.
Spirit-strength I seek,
For patience I need.
Much rest will feed bones and mind
`Til illness has given its test.
I relax my tight grip
For I'm in Heavenly Mother's hands.
Is the life teeming on planet earth a precious lone accident in the cosmos? Or is there a Divine plan? Does it matter? It used to matter for my security. I can't console myself anymore. The only consolation is that no one else knows any more than I do. And we are all in this together. That could be an illusion, too. When Matthew Shepherd was being beaten to death, did he feel a sense of unity with anyone else? Did it matter that millions would mourn his life? Maybe it would have, had he known. But he didn't know, and most likely he felt very alone and very frightened. He didn't feel any warm glow of a Heavenly Mother taking care of him.
I've been grieving the loss of faith for some time now. It hurts to lose that security blanket. But it's just not there anymore. And I won't pretend. So what lies ahead in the mental landscape? Exploring it now, without the blanket, is chilly. But it's all I have. I will claim each cold, uncomforted minute, for it's real. Pain at least let's you know you're alive.
I finished the picture of the beagle last night and stayed up late to scan him. The strongly diagonal streaked background I'd used distracted from the dog, so I made it painterly in the digital version.
later this evening...
Laura came home early because she was having trouble breathing. Although Glen was released at 10:00am, he had to wait until 1:00pm to get his pills. So James stayed and drove the van. Glen looks thinner. He said the hospital food was awful. It must have been. While James was there, he tried the cafeteria food, but couldn't even eat it. James is not a fussy man. It's strange, for the hospital I worked in when I was nineteen had good food. When we'd deliver the food to patients, we'd raid the trays of patients who'd already gone home for tasty desserts and so forth.
October 31, 1998
Last night was cold, so Laura let the dog in. He's generally mellow and just lies content. But he doesn't want us to forget he's there. Julia made a comment on the rhythmic thumping of his tail. It, too, is a "Tail Told With Time."
(For an earlier day of food delights, see the April 22, 1997 entry)
Breakfast:
Dinner:
Late afternoon:
early evening:
mid evening:
late evening:
Food Delights in One Day of a Gourmand
glass of Orange Juice
sliced banana with milk and sugar
glass orange juice
chicken breast with barbecue sauce
pinquito beans in a sauce with onion, garlic, cumin, and chili
pepper (and salt and sugar) SW makes this
fiesta vegetables (broccoli, carrots, small white beans, kidney
beans, garbanzo beans, italian type green beans, and red
peppers)
this is easy to cook frozen vegetables, seasoned
with a bit of butter
huge bowl Dreyer's "homemade" chocolate chip ice cream
(featuring dark unsweetened chocolate chips!)
apple
mug of 7-up spiked with one capful lime juice
another mug of 7-up spiked with one capful lime
juice
November 3, 1998
While in Tucson, we went to Bookman's, the used book and CD store. We had Laura's prescription filled at the adjoining Walgreens. The pharmacist couldn't read the doctors writing, so she had to call him. We figured we were in for a lengthy wait, but it's easy to pass time at Bookman's.
I like to peruse photography books in search of images to inspire my art. So I sat crosslegged at Bookman's examining several. LIFE's LEGENDS: The Century's Most Unforgettable Faces and POSITIVE LIVES: Responses to HIV - a photodocumentary should have at least one or two people I will draw. A photo book of drag queens had a good picture of Quentin Crisp, but none other that intrigued me. I didn't want to spend twenty eight bucks for one good drawing, though. Besides there were a dozen of those books there, anyway. So if I change my mind, there'll be one there later. POSITIVE LIVES features some drag queens in it, as well. The photos of a certain Whitney undergoing transformation aren't particularly memorable, but it's his words that impress me.
| "I am fulfilled on a daily basis - sometimes I'm broke and sometimes I'm depressed, but every day I have another chance. For some people, when they are ill, they count every day as one day less in their lives - for me it's one day more. It's an addition as opposed to a subtraction." |
Sunday morning Laura and I sat outside with Glen and Mother. Glen is real glad they got the cancer all out, and that he's been given a second chance. He doesn't want to ruin it, so he's quit smoking. He's so happy, he was even in tears. And I just think of how none of this would have been possible had Laura not been there that day he first got the bad news. He was so depressed, he wanted to kill himself. "Give Mother a week", she pleaded. So there are blessings.
