What Lies Beyond

Eerie Full Moon in Cloudy Sky
Laura captured the sky view at Chauncey Rancy, south of Prescott

We Humans Keep Plugging Along

Joan Ann Lansberry

October 13, 1998

Vantage Point

I stood at the edge of my mind
And looked out over the horizon.  

Before me, the vast empires,
Each with its ruler lay,

And me so small,
Seemingly at the center of it all.

What can be gained or lost,
And for what cost,
By surrendering the crown?

I return to the center,
No empire, this, my cottage,
But, mine, all mine,

Mine.

JAL, 10-13-98

This poem came to me, each line 'dictated'. The fuel for the busy Muse were my thoughts on popularity and fame. "Surrendering the crown" means to let other peoples values and opinions rule your life. You might be more popular, but was is the cost? I was reading The Guinness Book of POISONOUS QUOTES. The stings famous authors, poets, artists, (and critics) have given to others esteemed in their fields were fascinating.

For instance:

Lewis Morris( on being overlooked for the poet laureateship): It is a conspiracy of silence against me -- a conspiracy of silence. What should I do?

Oscar Wilde: Join it!

Even William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616) was not exempt:

Never did any author precipitate himself from such heights of thought to so low expressions, as he often does. He is the very Janus of poets; he wears, almost everywhere, two faces: and you have scarce begun to admire the one, e'er you despise the other. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - John Dryden (1631 - 1700)

If Shakespeare had caved into the opinion of the day, and altered his vision, he would not created the works which endure through the ages. Who was John Dryden? How many people know who he was today?

October 15, 1998


In Memoriam: Matthew Shepard
Dec. 1, 1976 - Oct 15, 1998

Matthew Shepard was a gay college student in Laramie, Wyoming, who was lured from a campus hangout, beaten and lashed to a split-rail fence. The attackers told him they were gay in a pretense to get him to enter their truck, when the beating began. The bicyclists that found him in a coma at first mistook him for a scarecrow. His skull was so badly smashed that doctors could not perform surgery. He died five days after the attack.

Vigils have been held all over the country. Shepard has become a 'Cause Celebre ' as political groups lobby to get hate crimes bills passed. Even Republicans and some Fundamental Christian groups have spoken out against the horror of his murder.

Here is a small quote from the remarks of Walter Boulden , Matthew's friend, at the DC vigil

" Matt once told me that someday he was going to be famous and that he was going to make a difference in the area of human rights. When I look out at all of you and reflect on what is going on in the building behind us, I have to think he had no idea how true that statement would be.

Matt is never going to hop off my couch and bounce off to class or to meet a friend, ever again. But I have to believe that his eyes are dancing as he looks down and sees how he has touched the heart and soul of the people of this nation.

But please remember, no matter what good may come from all of this, THE PRICE WAS TOO HIGH.

The price was too high. "

I agree, the price was too high. Each of us who live our lives openly must deal with the fear that one day it could be us that suffers a similar fate as Shepard. Each of us who live our lives openly counts the cost, and knows to do otherwise would be to let the psycho hatemongers win before they even lift their fist. And we won't let that happen. So we live with the fear, and with each one that is attacked and killed, we hope,"Oh god, may this one be the last."

See Matthew Shepard Online Resources for more info.

October 16, 1998


silver antoninianus of Elagabalus, c. 218 CE

Elagabalus was a teenaged Roman emperor whose reign only lasted four years. His reputation was quite a bit worse than Bill Clinton's. The things said of him were outrageous. Elagabalus wasn't his birth name nor his ruling name. It referred to the religious cult of which he was enamored of. Rumors spread of the rituals concerning it. He also was a promiscuous gender variant who wanted this monotheistic religion spread in order to unify Rome. However the Roman soldiers wanted none of it, and cruelly murdered both him and his rather ambitious mother.

It's a sad story. Perhaps if his mother hadn't have schemed to get him into power when he was only fourteen, his fate would have been longer and happier.

Anyway, his story is featured in our historical section. Julia, who collects ancient coins, was thrilled to see a coin featuring him for sale through an online coin dealer. The silver antoninianus arrived today.

October 17, 1998

This morning, I had a crisis of faith. I feared that things would not get any better, that nothing would change, except towards the worst, and that I was powerless to do anything about it. I was submerged deep in this mood.

At 7:30am, Laura and I had agreed to do some exercises together. Richard Simmons, via his Disco Exercise tape, was our leader. I started stiffly moving, aping the group he had assembled. I was still in my wretched state of mind. I noted his teammates were of a wide variety of sizes. That was encouraging. I don't like to see only thin ballerina types. But when I saw some there heavier than I am, it gave me hope that.maybe I can do this stuff. So I'm moving, lifting those legs and arms, back, forth, up, down, move, move, move, and I'm still feeling sucky, maybe even a tear or two forming occasionally, but something seems right about this movement. It seems we're going somewhere, don't know where, but movement is better than to stay still. Staying still, this mood would only grab tighter onto me. And so I move and shake along with his lively team. Laura does what she can. She's still getting over that ear infection. And in the midst of it all, an epiphany...that the most beautiful thing about us humans is that we keep trying, we never give up. It isn't necessary to have great amounts of faith...what did Jesus say, a mustard seed's worth. Maybe that's just the tiny bit it takes not to give up. So help me God (or inner resources, or whatever) I'll hang in there. I'll push through this thing.

October 19, 1998

Julia's birthday was yesterday.  We went to Ray Rd. and had a nice outing to celebrate.  We went to Barnes and Noble books, and we each bought something.  I got two calendars, one with all sorts of colorful birds (you might have gathered that I like birds, as I draw so many!)  and one with dogs.  There is a beagle in the dog calendar I want to draw.  He has such a lively look of intelligence...if I could capture that, I'd be really pleased.  Julia got a book on translating hieroglyphics, and Laura got a couple of joke books.  We ate at On The Border afterwards.  They have unusually tasty smoked chicken chili rellenos there. 

Laura's ear is still bothering her.  If she takes four or five aspirin, it's not so bad.  But without the aspirin, the pain is still intense.  She's going into Tucson again after dropping Julia off at work.  She feels they can too easily ignore her if she just calls them, so she wants to be there in person.  She figures they'll have to do tests.  It's not like any other ear ache she's ever had, and now we're wondering if that's even what it is. 

I've got customers coming today, and so had to stay home.

*      *      *      *      *

Whosoever.org is a website for LGBT Christians. I often go there as it has appeal for any spiritually minded person. They have a prayer request form to fill out and submit. I felt moved to fill it out today:

Your Prayer: A sick spouse, she has an earache that won't go away. Strange thing is, it hurts on the top of her head. Maybeshe's got a tumor in there. That's how my worries go. Anyway, she's gone to see the doctor again. My faith seemsto have dwindled, and that is another cause of despair. Well, we humans keep plugging along, somehow, God or no God/Goddess. But I miss my faith. I hope my spouse gets well. Maybe someone else's prayers will do moregood than mine... Thanks for being here.

*      *      *      *      *

Well, it was a good thing I stayed home.  Last night the water pressure was low, but we didn't think too much of it.  Maybe Laura's Mom was doing the wash, maybe James didn't turn it on hard enough, after the plumber fixed a tiny leak in the mobile home related plumbing last week. This morning the water pressure was still awful.  James took a look and saw the water meter spinning around wildly.  No tiny leak, this, for great puddles of water are in the yard. Meanwhile Laura's not here, since she's down in Tucson.  So James and I had to decide this thing.  We called the plumber. The plumber, who had to call his supervisor in, said it's not the mobile home plumbing itself, but the plumbing buried underneath the trailer and concrete parking area which is the source of the spew. They'll have to dig it up to get at it. That's the details as of this moment.  The supervisor's estimate was $1359 to $1950.  Glen, who didn't know Laura was gone for the day, told the man we'll call back later as to what to do.  I luckily got a hold of Laura at the doctors office.  There's not a whole lot of choice.  The old pipes are all corroded and sprouting finger size holes all over, it seems.  They'll all have to be replaced.  Laura gave the go-ahead, and I called the plumbers back.  They'll call back with the scheduling.

What a day, and it's only 9:40 am!

October 20, 1998

We have access to news from around the world, from every big city, but because we don't get the local news, which only comes in PAPER (how archaic) we haven't a clue as to what's going on HERE! We first heard from a friend about the e-coli tainted water. Later yesterday, Laura's son James was informed at work in a bulletin that Casa Grande's water is filledwith coliform. Juice production at a local juice plant has been halted. So for those who livein this area or who visit in this area:

Don't drink it! Don't cook with it!

I learned from a net search that "If coliform bacteria are present in the water supply it is an indication that the water supply may be contaminated with sewage or other decomposing waste." Possibly these bacteria could have hastened the destruction of our pipelines. And no doubt triggered Laura's ear troubles.

Laura says she's becoming enured to the pain. The nurse rinsed her ears out yesterday and pencil eraser size gobs of ear wax came out. She says she can hear much better. I knew she couldn't hear too well the other day when I heard the strains of a screeching soprano's aria wafting into the living room and Laura made no comment. She's to call the doctor Thursday morning if there's no improvement.

*      *      *      *      *

Laura had a more immediate health scare yesterday. She was exhausted and sleepy, but she thought she could keep herself sufficiently alert by singing as she drove home from Tucson. She sang loudly in deep tones all the songs she remembered. One of her favorites is Ghost Riders in the Sky.

"An old cow poke went riding one dark and windy day,
Upon a ridge he rested as he went upon his way,
When all at once a mighty herd of red-eyed cows he saw,
Coming down a cloudy draw . . ."

. . .huh? . . .

Cattle hooves don't sound like THAT!

THAT sound she heard was the sound of her car going off the road! Her singing was so sweet and dulcet, she lullabyed herself to sleep. In her dreams she saw the mighty herd of red-eyed cows, and it took her a second or two to realise she was not in a bovine filled field, but behind the wheel of a car. She braked, and stopped the car just scant inches from a tall telephone poll.

Heart pounding wildly, she was certain she was much too frightened to fall asleep again, and pulled the car back on the road homeward. She'd never fallen asleep like that before in her life. Possessing of an iron constitution, she always was able to fight sleep off. But her iron constitution melted under the heat of all the recent stresses of life. We've decided that she'll not make such a long trip solo again, especially when so sick.

*      *      *      *      *

One thing Laura has discovered that eases the discomforts of life is a sense of humor. Now that she's applying herself in earnest to the art of cartoon making, she has begun to search for the humor in every situation she experiences. Whether inspired by reality, or imagination, she's setting to image and word her funny epiphanies.

October 22, 1998

Laura is still struggling with her earache. We drove all the way down to Tucson, a two hour trip, to go to the doctor today. She thought she was going to get bloodwork. However after having her ear looked at, "Yes, it's red inside," they gave her some new pills, and she thought they were done with her. So we headed back home, after a tasty meal at La Parilla Suiza. I always get a 'number 37', grilled pork on tortillas and chilequilles. With the freshly made hot crisp tortilla chips, I shoveled three kinds of salsa, green, red, and chunky, into me while waiting for the entree to arrive. I hadn't had any breakfast, so the taste was even more superb, due to the seasoning of hunger. This hot spicy food makes me almost high. I've heard it said that 'muy caliente' food can do this. They have even made a capascin extract from chili peppers to use as an arthritis rub. All I know, while I was under the glow of that perfect meal, I wasn't feeling any pain.

But when we got home, Laura felt worse than she had before. The new pills, Lorabid, are as good as sugar pills. At least the erythromycin was keeping it on an even keel. Not getting any better, but not getting any worse. So Laura called the doctor back. Actually she is dealing with the nurse- practioner, as Laura's doctor is having triplets. The nurse was surprised because Laura WAS supposed to have stayed for bloodwork.

But THEY didn't make it real clear. They must have figured Laura already knew. So she has to go back tomorrow, for the bloodwork, and an extra 200 miles on the car. They'll likely refer her to a ear, nose and throat specialist afterwards, but the HMO first requires these tests.

*      *      *      *      *

At least our plumbing is all fixed.  There were three separate lines that had to be replaced.  It's good just to be able to wash oneself and flush the toilet, and wash the dishes the normal way. The coliform should be out of our water, by now. They say.

*      *      *      *      *

Glen was operated on today. Laura's Mom said he's in a LOT of pain. But that's to be expected, as he's missing three ribs and a good chunk of his lungs. Most importantly, they got all the cancer out.

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