What Lies Beyond
The Eye of the Tornado?
Joan Ann Lansberry
September 28, 1998
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"For books are not altogether dead things, but do contain a
progeny of life in them to be as active as that soul was whose
progeny they are." "Give me the liberty to know, to utter, and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties." ---from Areopagitica: A Speech for the Liberty of Unlicensed Printing, 1644 by John Milton, (1608-1674), an English poet and man who would have loved the World Wide Web.
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September 29, 1998
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So tiny to make such noise, Smiling moon rises high. JAL, 9-29-08
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October 1, 1998
Last night she spoke of this, and thought she'd destroyed them completely because of my reaction. I was horrified to hear that her creations might no longer exist because of something I said. Even if I had said they stunk, she should never have gotten rid of them. Today she got out her old tattered green notebook to see if she'd remembered correctly.
To my relief, they all were there. Her best one was written when she was in her twenties:
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When a man is sick of body,
If an arm is broken on a friend,
When will all the little people
Perhaps you feel as others do,
Let me remind you once again
But if you can't heal a broken arm
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October 3, 1998
odd observations. . .
October 4, 1998
the wedding. . .
Three pairs of couples drift dreamlike in rhythm down to the focal point. The pulsating music pushes towards the apex, when the bride, on arm of Father, floats down to meet her blushing groom. The three bridesmaids await, on the left hand side, in elegantly simple black sleeveless dresses accented with white veils over their arms. The three groomsmen are at the right in matching black tuxedos and red vests. Kevin wears a similar tuxedo, only his vest is white. Jody looks radiant in her dress. My alterations were perfect. The small dark-haired flower girl, in a red satin dress with short sleeves and round neck, squirms more than the ring bearer, a boy in black pants and red vest. His furry pillow only has plastic representations of rings tied to it, I learn. When the rings are needed, Anton fishes them out of his coat pocket.
As the preacher, also in matching black robe with red trim, pronounced them wed, all are joyfully relieved. Jody has her first dance with her Grandfather."Tell Me about the Good Old Days" the song begins. The song for the first couples dance was also appropriately chosen. They do look so in love.
All of us who know that transcendent bliss of souls in union wish them lasting happiness.
October 5. 1998
I went out to get the mail at 3:30 this afternoon, and found the
86 degree (30 C.) temperature just delicious. In the box awaited
my USWest phone bill, plugging their advertising "life's better
here". "Yeah, it is," I thought. We've paid our
summer dues and now have the most gorgeous weather on the planet.
People in other climes northward, such as Canadian and English,
are thinking already of the cold winters that await them.
But the moon that hung precariously close to the horizon early
this evening is still the same everywhere, fat, round and
orange. It looked like I could pick the juicy thing out of the
sky and eat it.
We had a Primestar satellite dish put up last Friday. We are
splitting the cost with Glen and Mother, as we each have a TV
plugged into it. The images and sounds are very clear and crisp
as the original source is digital. Yet I felt ambivalent as it
didn't appear that our favorite shows would be obtained through
it. No longer, as WGN, originating from Chicago, has
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dawson's
Creek airing two hours sooner than the local source.
Gratification two hours sooner is even better!
October 8, 1998
12:30 am
The sinus medicine has left me restless and so I rise from bed to
capture some of the thoughts flitting through my head.
We watched Dawson's Creek last night. Dawson's
and Joey's tender first kisses evoked feelings in Laura and she
asked us what we thought as we watched them kiss. I said I
wondered what the people who were playing the characters felt
about it as they were not likely to be in love in real life.
Laura asked which character we identified more with, Dawson or
Joey. She identified with both and it kept switching in her
mind. Julia didn't react to it and said she had no kisses in her
teenage years.
Laura recalled her first kiss. She was on her parents' back
porch sitting on a swing when the girl spontaneously
surprised her with a smooch. It was sweet. Laura was only
twelve.
When Thelma was little, she was considered a tomboy. When she grew
up, she was a bit wild. Later, Laura heard she died in a car
accident. Thelma was not even out of her teens. The people she was riding with were drunk and the car
went over a bridge. All six people in the vehicle were killed. Laura still wonders if there was something she could have done to prevent it from happening.
She was a sad girl. I played a record of Scott Joplin rags for her. I liked them because I found them cheerful. But Jen sensed the sadness within the spritely tunes. Sadness was close to her, for often she didn't feel like living. She mentioned how she'd mark time, saying that she couldn't bear to think of so many years ahead of her, but if she broke it down into smaller chunks, she could handle it better. I wonder what ever happened to her. Did she ever find the happiness that eluded her?
My next romantic experience was with another girl also trapped by depression. We had a tender kiss in the rain. My senses were so alive and it was incredibly sensuous. I couldn't understand why Carola had thought of turning her back on it all. She excused herself by saying her suicide attempts had just been pleas for attention. I didn't know how to help her. Shortly after that, I fell into my own worst depression and had to leave school.
Later in the Evening, (which seems like the next day...)
Laura sits at her computer, playing Might and Magic
VI, trying to distract herself from the pain of a
tremendous earache. She says the battle scenes have become all
too real, for every blow of the enemy can be felt on her ear.
She cries out from the pain, it is so bad. I wonder how long it
will take for the antibiotic to have a noticeable effect.
I am mostly free of sinus pain and look forward to a good
night's sleep.
I did sleep well, and it would look like we are all on the mend, except that Julia now says she feels like she's coming down with a cold.
A lucky black cat has crossed my path * * and so I'm getting in the mood for Halloween!
* *
* * *
And Laura has a new photo of herself that she actually likes. I like it too!
* *
* * *
Julia has today off from work, to celebrate Columbus' discovery of America. We are all in a holiday mood. The antibiotics are easing Laura's earache considerably now, so that is a relief. The three of us took to shopping. I'd been looking without success for basic full length flannel nightgowns. Everything is made of tee shirt fabric these days. I've tried some of these nightshirts, but they aren't comfortable. Nothing will do but the soft feel of cotton flannel for my hide. I finally found some at Mervyns, and bought one of each of the four floral fabrics. Now I can retire the thin patched ones.
Julia found a good smelling perfume by the name of Nokomis.. She had been using some awful stuff that made us flee when she'd put it on. Perhaps its ingredients had deteriorated after a few years.
The next stop was for Laura's interests. At the old house, Glen and Mother had a small zoo with two indoor cats, three outdoor cats and two outdoor dogs. Homes had been found for all the cats, but they had left the dogs in their old yard. The roofer is beginning repairs on the roof, so they brought the dogs down. Anton and Cynthia claimed Sandy, the smaller dog. Max, the big black Labrador mix was to go to James. But Laura happened to it.
It was just to have stayed in our yard for a couple of days until James' day off. But, as I said, Laura happened to it. She came into the bedroom early this morning. Julia and I hadn't shaked off the last sleepiness yet. Laura had bright eyes and a pleading smile. I can't resist that look. Julia can't resist that look. We have a dog.
Actually it will be good for Glen and Mother to still have one of their old pets, as well. We'll share the dog-care with them.
We were at Petsmart, while Laura got a 'pooper-scooper', a leash, and some doggy treats. I had fun observing their dog groomer trim a small tan Cocker Spaniel. She was very well behaved as the lady skillfully styled her fur. Maybe the groomer had a way of putting her clients at ease, as well.
Petsmart has everything the devoted pet lover could ever want, including Halloween costumes for dogs and cats!
October 9, 1998
October 11, 1998
A delicious cool calm is wafting over me like a gentle breeze.
This ease from worries may be the eye of the tornado,
but for the moment I enjoy it.
I let tensions, like too tight garments, fall to the floor
and I take on a spacious roominess.
Undoing hair ties, I let my hair loose to drape upon me as it will.
I take a deep breath, letting myself expand.
I release burdens.
I do not need to carry them.
Right now is time to rest. I take another deep breath.
There is time.
I let this delicious cool calm waft over me.
Sinking into surrender,
I float in this.
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